"but i fear i have nothing to give

i have so much to lose here in this lonely place

tangled up in our embrace

there's nothing i'd like better than

to fall"

constant thoughts smashing around in my head like it's a white, padded room stuffed with self-medicated schizophrenics strapped into straight jackets is pretty run of the mill in my world. on any given day i find myself wondering what might emerge if someone had the sudden, overwhelming urge to saw open my skull. i wouldn't be surprised if a bunch of tiny flying devils swarmed out hissing and trying to bite onlookers. that image never ceases to amuse me.

during the anger, pain, and hopelessness of the last few years

my crowded mind has become progressively dark and dismal. unfortunately, this is a part of my world i don't often talk about despite my awareness of the

dangers in making that choice. the prospect of releasing such a shocking

amount of  raw pain, confusion, and defeat from the hiding place where i locked it up years ago scares the living shit out of me. i have no doubt it

would cripple me, and very possibly those close to me.

these unresolved emotions I've so expertly buried have begun to affect my entire state of being. i have two choices: put my big girl panties on and deal with it, or remain a coward and suffer the consequences. i've never experienced anything i didn't have to capacity to process and work through. now, i'm faced with issues that clearly elude my capabilities and surpass my level of comprehension and suddenly i've become this useless and unsure pile of waste. the only thing i know for sure is that i cannot fix this myself, yet never in my life has it been so damn hard to simply ask for help.

admitting that the things i've been through in the past three years shook me

to my core and shattered me just inches from my breaking point was hard.

admitting that i no longer possess the tools necessary

to repair that damage by myself was mortifying.

the thought of admitting to another person i had lost the control i so desperately clung to, and now barely hold the broken pieces of my life together through the course of one day, will be so painful it's even difficult to write.