Alopecia World
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Dealing with peoples glances
In exercising my freedom of not wear a wig, I was well aware there were going to be consequences both good and bad and one of them was that I had to deal with the fact that people were going to occasionally stare at me.
To the most part, I hardly notice anymore. But everyone in a while I notice someone starring more because of their reaction. In the average case I usually flash a smile, which is usually returned with a smile, so I think nothing of it and go on with my day. I understand that people can be staring for variety of reason. In some cases, the person has come up to me and told me about their alopecia or a cancer patient shares story with me. Other times, I may have received a compliment.
But, the stares that are hardest to deal with are the ones when someone stares and you make eye contact, but they quickly look away. This stare leaves a different message in my mind. This stare still frustrates me, perhaps because this stare leaves me feeling that there is something “wrong” with me in their eyes.
I wanted to share some information that I received from an article from the Department of Health Psychology from the University of Missouri-Columbia on how to deal with staring eyes with those of us who find ourselves not quite knowing how to handle the situation. The article was written by a man who is confined to a wheelchair, but I think the principals can apply to us too. So I adapted the words to suit us. I tried to link the file, but it is no longer online, only in a cache file. But you can probably search it, the title was "How to deal with staring eyes" and it was on the www.umshp.org website.
1. Face it, you have “alopecia” – yes, you are “bald or balding” and people are going to look and treat you differently. But this doesn’t mean you have to act differently or give up on your appearance. Continue to act and dress the way you did before your injury. Keep yourself groomed and pick out clothing you find appealing.
2. People are going to stare – it’s just human nature. We are all curious about things that are different. What I have found that helps is greeting people with a smile and saying hello. And if you find an adult or child that is really looking at you for a long time, just do what I do. Go up to them, introduce yourself, and answer any questions they may have. This particularly works well with small children who are pointing and asking their parents, “What happened to him?”
3. Keep going out – the best way to overcome this problem is by facing it. If you continue to go out, you eventually will become comfortable with being in public places. Now you will never get used to people staring at you, but you will become more confident in your appearance and begin to ignore the stare of others.
And for those who find themselves in a situation that they are faced with someone visually unique in front of them. Please ignore the impulse to look away and instead, make eye contact and simply smile. Just another way to share acceptance.
To the most part, I hardly notice anymore. But everyone in a while I notice someone starring more because of their reaction. In the average case I usually flash a smile, which is usually returned with a smile, so I think nothing of it and go on with my day. I understand that people can be staring for variety of reason. In some cases, the person has come up to me and told me about their alopecia or a cancer patient shares story with me. Other times, I may have received a compliment.
But, the stares that are hardest to deal with are the ones when someone stares and you make eye contact, but they quickly look away. This stare leaves a different message in my mind. This stare still frustrates me, perhaps because this stare leaves me feeling that there is something “wrong” with me in their eyes.
I wanted to share some information that I received from an article from the Department of Health Psychology from the University of Missouri-Columbia on how to deal with staring eyes with those of us who find ourselves not quite knowing how to handle the situation. The article was written by a man who is confined to a wheelchair, but I think the principals can apply to us too. So I adapted the words to suit us. I tried to link the file, but it is no longer online, only in a cache file. But you can probably search it, the title was "How to deal with staring eyes" and it was on the www.umshp.org website.
1. Face it, you have “alopecia” – yes, you are “bald or balding” and people are going to look and treat you differently. But this doesn’t mean you have to act differently or give up on your appearance. Continue to act and dress the way you did before your injury. Keep yourself groomed and pick out clothing you find appealing.
2. People are going to stare – it’s just human nature. We are all curious about things that are different. What I have found that helps is greeting people with a smile and saying hello. And if you find an adult or child that is really looking at you for a long time, just do what I do. Go up to them, introduce yourself, and answer any questions they may have. This particularly works well with small children who are pointing and asking their parents, “What happened to him?”
3. Keep going out – the best way to overcome this problem is by facing it. If you continue to go out, you eventually will become comfortable with being in public places. Now you will never get used to people staring at you, but you will become more confident in your appearance and begin to ignore the stare of others.
And for those who find themselves in a situation that they are faced with someone visually unique in front of them. Please ignore the impulse to look away and instead, make eye contact and simply smile. Just another way to share acceptance.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Carol on
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As far as staring is concerned, pay attention to your own reactions to things when you are out of the house. You may also find that you will stare at something out of the ordinary as well. I don't usually notice this much anymore myself but like Cheryl mentioned, when people look away like they are embarrased, it does feel bad that they may be thinking you don't look right. I had a customer at work with alopecia and I found myself staring. I wanted to say something but had difficulty getting the right words out when finally I just asked them if they did indeed have alopecia and I really think they appreciated me asking rather than just staring. At least I can make them feel better by telling them I have it too and if they're interested they can always come to one of our support meetings. The best thing I find to do, is not to assume why someone is looking at you, just that they are looking at you because you are unique.
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Permalink Reply by Lilith on
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Its not only that people stare at my head, its that they make fun of a hat I really like, or say that the way I wear my scarf is stupid. Got any advise for that? P.S. I'm dealing with teenagers, and they can be cruel.
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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Hi Lilith, I had to think about this for a bit. Because in all honesty we can not control what others people are going to do or say. What we can do, is make our own path. Of all the amazing things that have been done or created, somebody had to stand out on a limb and do thing differently. So you wearing you hats regardless of what others may say, simply because you like them, shows individuality and the fact that you don't need every bodies approval. That is a good strength to develop at a young age. Real leaders, don't follow, they set the course and lead. So if you like your hats, wear them proudly.
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I actually just discussed this problem with two of my three daughters in an effort to encourage their self esteem and whatnot. My 14 year olds reply went something like: "thank you for letting me know, I appreciate you telling me to my face rather than spread it around behind my back. I like my "hat" though and if you don't like it that's just too bad. Go find your own hat to wear." The response from my 10 year old was a referral to a book she couldn't remember the name of but I remember reading to her about a girl who wanted to wear her hair in a pony tail and all the kids at school didn't like it and teased her but she did what she wanted anyways and eventually the kids got the idea and left her alone. Perhaps you could spark a hat day where you encounter these teens so you won't feel so alone or singled out. :)
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Permalink Reply by Jbkny on
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I dedicat this to everyone you are not your hair.every one is way more than what they are...stay blessed
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Permalink Reply by Pamela Rosse on
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Cheryl
I wanted to thank you for your advice. I'm starting to venture out ah natural a bit more every day. It is scary but I proceed. The first few times I did it, my husband Vince was with me. He held my hand, sometimes I squeezed it so hard but he just looked at me & smiled no words were needed (were going on 29 years of marriage) encouragement received.
I have used your techniques the smiles & hellos really do help, especially with children.
I have run into those nasty sneakers. So far I have chosen to ignore & just go on. Perhaps one day depending on the remark I may speak out, but now, now I just feel sorry for them & their ignorance.
I am continuing to venture out, head high, smile on my face. I know there will be good days & bad, but I'm betting on more good. The glass is half full.
Again I thank you, may God continue to Bless you & RJ
Pam -
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Permalink Reply by Helen Rose Kaplan on
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Cheryl, you are a grogeous person inside and out. I admire you SO much for going out in public without something covering your head. I'm trying to work my way to that step alittle at a time. You're an inspiration!! :)
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Thanks Helen, but it was not over night. It took me time to get there.
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