It is exactly the humiliation and depression of any affliction that is the deadly enemy. I had a dear friend once who had all his hair, all his physical capabilities, and he was smart. He could OCCASIONALLY BEAT ME at chess, but he had been to Vietnam and had PTSD. It was INVISIBLE. It was even somewhat socially invisible as well...most of the time as he was very good natured, had a good sense of humor and was always telling everybody how happy he was with his life. This was so until he began having anxiety attacks and becoming extremely depressed. This condition alternated with unnaturally high states of elation.

To make a long story short, he got some help with Lithium treatments and I saw the old "Dennis" return for awhile. This was in the early 1980's and the need to titrate treatments was not yet fully understood. One day in 1981, he left his home in El Cerrito (near Berkeley) after calling me and telling me he would be at my place (at that time in 29 Palms, CA) in a few days. He drove to Big Sur, pitched a tent and routed his car exhaust into the tent, went inside and said goodbye to life. He was one of my dearest friends and I miss him today.

What the "sugar coating" actually is may be likened to an intellectual making life itself sweeter. I think you should perhaps be a little kinder to folks who try to see their own beauty and that of others despite some socially determined standard of beauty. I agree it is not by choice. It was not my friend's choice to have an extremely disturbed mind he could not cope with. If your worst problem is AA, and you are not so hard on yourself, there are many who will love you and think of you as as beautiful as any woman if you let them. It is a better option. The fact that you work and have graduated from college indicates to me you have all the capacities to live a long and satisfying life. The fact that you shared your story with me and others indicates you value others. I do too.