Masculinity

Cheryl started a fascinating discussion about feminity, so I thought I'd start one on masculinity.

So guys ... what's it like to lose your hair? Women, what's it like to see a man with alopecia? How does your experience of masculinity change?

To get the ball rolling ...

My alopecia developed in 2000, when I was in my early 30's. When my hair first started falling out, I was terrified that I had cancer. Once the diagnosis of alopecia was confirmed, I decided to shave my head completely.

8 years ago, (at least in Northeast Ohio, where I live) being a bald man was a bit edgy, socially. Meaning being bald as a man was just on the edge of being socially acceptable.

One of the first things I noticed was that people seemed to equate bald with "tough." I was aware that waitresses brought my food quicker at restaurants and store clerks responded faster. It was really weird at first, because I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then my wife (wise person that she is), pointed out that people were treating me differently because I was bald.

I'm also a practicing martial artist (Aikido), and so many people simply assumed (and still do) that I had shaved my head because of my martial arts practice.


Hmmmm.

I've got some other thoughts about my experience, but I'm curious to hear what other people have to say.

Again, this discussion is open to men and women.

Cheers! :-)

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Permalink Reply by David A on May 16, 2010 at 3:51pm
Before I experienced my hair loss, my hair was ~17 inches long, dyed black and red, cut asymmetrically. I had put a fair amount of effort into cultivating an image that I felt did a good job of representing who I was. It wasn't particularly masculine, though my other features are I think, so in a way it balanced things out and allowed me to just be myself. People had to take a moment and figure out who I was. And of course to any extent that my appearance matched an archetype, it was one that generally was well aligned with my inner self.

The day I shaved my head I felt like I had woken up in an alternate reality. I was called sir more times that day then I had been in the previous ten years. Conversations that would have been casual before seemed to feel more formal after. I also felt more invisible, which is hard to explain. I'm not sure if I was just used to a higher level of attention in public and that I was now dealing with an appearance that was more 'normal' for a guy. Or if it was more about people purposefully averting their attention. Either way it felt odd.

So in my case I definitely feel that baldness made me appear more masculine, but I'm not sure that was such a great thing. It seemed like expectations about how to interact with me had changed over night. And every time I caught my reflection in a mirror, my reflection was at odds with my inner narrative of who I am, which was confusing and upsetting. I knew I was not my hair, but at the same time my hair was a part of me. When it was all gone, it became really apparent that the loss was greater than just the physical hair itself.

When people would make noise about it not being so bad because I was a guy, I think it really amplified the hurt I was feeling. One implication of that statement is that society accepts baldness in men without too much question. The other implication is that whatever suffering or loss I was feeling wasn't important/appropriate. For example, in my case, my hair loss seems to have been caused by a doctor prescribing a regime with a medicated shampoo that far exceeded the recommendations of the manufacturer. In not just my opinion, but the opinion of multiple lawyers, this was medical malpractice. However, not one of them felt that the judicial system would award damages enough to make it worth their while to take the case. Why? Because in the words of one of them, men are expected to suck it up and deal with hairloss. If I were a woman, they would have taken the case without hesitation. So whatever. I'm lucky that much of my hair did eventually regrow, but not all of it, and I doubt that it ever will.
Permalink Reply by Tony on May 17, 2010 at 6:06am
Interesting thread with some very interesting & insightful responses.

I started with patchy alopecia ~3 yrs ago. Within 2-3 months, I went from sporting a very long pony tail to a shaved head. One of my female co-workers commented that I looked 'scary'. Wow, what a slap in the face that was considering that I'm an easy going guy. She was right though as I started to notice that people who didn't know me seemed intimidated.

Roll forward to the present day. I lost my eyebrows a few weeks ago and life begins to change once more. Now it seems that people want to go out of their way for me...the no hair, no eyebrows, so I must be going through chemo thing. The girl at the feed store offered to carry out a couple of 50lb sacks of feed to the truck for me the other day. Sorry ladies, maybe I'm a chauvenist...I'd like to think that it's just my upbringing as a gentleman as I would never consider having a woman carry a load like that, especially for me. I graciously declined as I tossed one bag up on my shoulder while grabbing the second with my free hand. Think she understood. Not her fault as she was just be thoughtful but it really gets under my skin when folks treat me as less than man, or a person, just because I don't have hair...
Permalink Reply by Hilary on May 20, 2010 at 8:36pm
Hi
Have you seen the bald guy on "my sister's keeper"? well i think he's soooooo hot! and Vin diesel! he is defintiely a hottie! i actually think bald guys could look hot because i love hard manly guys, i dont know if i explained that right but i believe bald guys can be hot too.
Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on May 20, 2010 at 8:40pm
I haven't seen My Sisters Keeper. I'll take a look in to it/him
I think Bald Guys and Bald Women can be sizzlin' hot!

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