27 and covered up

Well, here it goes. The support. This is my first post--first public discussion.. I have determined, after having Alopecia since I was 4 - it has owned me. I've allowed it to limit me in ways that myself-a strong woman- should never do...I am 27 and I have never been in public without a wig or a beanie. I am ashamed...i don't know why. The looks.. The stares. I don't want to be identified by my baldness..."hey, here comes the bald girl..."...I want to be known for my incredible personality that I have developed over the years to way make up for m lack of conventional outer beauty. I don't have the balls. I am so ashamed I have not let even my parents see me bald...not since I lived at home. I'm frustrated with myself...swimming is a chore...motorcycle rides, the summers in Maine. I always feel like I'm hiding. I am the manager of a bar, so my looks alone are workplace valuable---I do not work at Abercrombie by any means...would I get fired? I just....want to be myself. I just joined Alopecia World. I am reading about everyone's "big moments of acceptance"...wonder when mine will. I am not ashamed that I have Alopecia...I am woried about how brutal people will be...like...opening up a new world that takes away my anonimity that i have created with blending in with a hat and a hood...to sticking out...explaining..."no I do not have cancer"...to those so bold as to ask me whats wrong. I am fine. just...scared. I feel so beautiful as I am. Its tasking others to accept this "unconventional" beauty that scares me. I am worried that it will be limiting...and freeing at the same time. I have some roots, and no roots. It looks funny...I shave it so my head looks like a cow hide/world map; if it were all bald it would be one thing...but its not. its mottled. I had had 3 full cycles of hair loss/growth in my lifetime. I just...want to accept this.

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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on July 4, 2011 at 7:20pm
I hear you. Don't push yourself...people in that pre-marriage dating stage who are working in a profession where Barbie-Doll looks rule have an especially hard time with this condition. I am over double your age, and had hair at 27...but maybe some things people have said on my blogs will help your search for self. Go check your "friend requests." I, too, never rode in convertibles, swam with peers, hung upside down from trees etc. when I had wigs in my teens and early college years...but now with AT, having accomplished the wedding/kids/travel goals, I am not as hung up on the alopecia. This summer, I actually got my head shaved and took my wig/hat off in some public places away from home while on vacation. No one said a word, and I even had bartenders and tourists take my photo for me that way! Who is to say where and when and with whom you can try out your INDEPENDENCE from alopecia?
Permalink Reply by Emily Naples on July 4, 2011 at 8:15pm
Thank you - I do imagine my future..and honestly...my hair (or lack of it) never is a factor. I do worry about my wedding day - how do I want to be immortalized by my children....my family...my friends...but honestly...I do feel limited. I worked at a fine dining restaurant at a world class ski resort a few years ago; my boss considered my hat a negative asset...my confidence went down the drain. I should have told him to shove it...but I didn't. I passively understood that though I am very capable off doing amazing things (and performed by job BETTER than others, no joke here)...but working in the public (which is what I Do (restaurant/hospitailty/bar industry) has inherent limitations, (which is wrong to think I know). Its just shitty to think and feel one way inside so confidently, but on the outside Im hiding. Im nervous. I hate wigs. I wore them for so many years - they made me MORE uncomfortable. Its just really shitty to feel this way. Im older, Im making more meaningful relationships both professionally and personally, and I just want to be able to be MYSELF without limiting who I am because of something so stupid as NO HAIR. Everyone HERE knows that there are no other PHYSICAL side effects to this condition that can limit oneself---other than...ones own mind. (and pitted nails that I chew anyway!).
Permalink Reply by Sunshine on July 4, 2011 at 8:55pm
Sunshine here to shine some light.

I haven't had alopecia that long its been 10 years. I have
suffred through 9 summers of hot wigs and couldn't take it
Any longer. As a women who is a stickler for good hair I had to take baby steps. I showed close friends my shaved head and took
A personal survey. I asked for honesty and was surprised but
Happy. I then went out 1 hour with no wig. The next day it was so
hot I couldn'tbring myself to put that hot wig back on and I have been
Wig free cool and happier for it. I was overwhelmed with all the positive
Responeses from men and women, people I knew and strangers
As well. I walk with my head high and glad to feel even kind of
Sexy. So take your time and do what feels right for you. Now I am a stickler
On making sure my head has a clean shave every other day. I am
Not into crop circles as some others said. First time responding sorry for any errors.
Permalink Reply by Emily Naples on July 4, 2011 at 10:04pm
Wonderful story! Thank you for your words! :)
Permalink Reply by Emily Naples on July 4, 2011 at 8:24pm
True..it just feels like...culture is pushing this way...and the reality of beauty is another. I hear ya bigtime on the "emotionally uncomfortable".
Permalink Reply by Emily Naples on July 4, 2011 at 8:26pm
Maybe I should take it off on an interstate drive - a "test drive" -- I could do it on one that has a toll booth - I could use the toll booth operator as a "single serving friend" (as Ed Norton on Fight club would say), and feel some wind. This - I could do. In my heart however, I want a lifestyle change.
Permalink Reply by Emory on July 4, 2011 at 9:01pm
I am new to this situation, I've had AU for only a few months but it progressed so quickly and I was bald, eyebrow-less, and eyelash-less within a few weeks. I'm still trying to figure out which wigs are best for me and what the heck to do in the summertime with the heat and humidity. Having said that, the only people who have seen me without a wig are my husband and my parents. I will wear a bandana or hat around my close friends who know my situation. But I am in no way comfortable going bald in public. Like you, I am in a profession where appearance is very important and I have to keep up an image. I don't want to risk running into anyone from work who would question why I have such long dark hair one day but nothing the next. I think different things work for different people. I am an extremely strong woman and I don't think that going out without my head covered would make me any stronger. Accepting my own diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else has to.
Permalink Reply by Emily Naples on July 5, 2011 at 12:55pm
" Accepting my own diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else has to." --- so true
Permalink Reply by Lee on July 4, 2011 at 8:52pm
Emily. I have had alopecia since I was 28 and now I'm almost 60. Have been wearing a wig for about 18 years. I want to like what I see in the mirror. I know wigs are hot, but it's like wearing a bra...they're not comfortable,
but you do it. If you go out without a wig there's no turning back. They'll know. Listen to your heart. You're lucky you can do something about it. It's not like a horrendous case of acne. If you wear a good wig someone might guess. If you take it off, there's no doubt! As for men, get to know them first before getting serious. If it makes them run away, you've found out what they're made of. But really, you're setting yourself up for a terribly bumpy ride in life by not wearing a wig. I don't get it when women go out with a bald head, lipstick and earrings and expect people to think they're gorgeous. They look weird and hideous.
Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on July 4, 2011 at 9:12pm
Lee,
I have to disagree with you 100%! Where do you get off saying women who go out without a wig are weird and hideous?
I just came back from The NAAF Conference in LA and had all my Bald and Beautiful Friends surrounding me.
What a terrific experience. You might want to try going sometime it will really change your life. And in you case I hope so!
Jeffrey
Permalink Reply by Christopher Blackett on July 4, 2011 at 9:17pm
While I disagree with Lee, it's her opinion. I don't think she should have voiced that particular thought on a forum for bald people trying to cope with alopecia, but there is a stigma against bald people. I often found it hard to find the aesthetically pleasing aspects of being bald when I was younger. I've grown to learn that it's shallow to think in those terms.
To Lee, it's about being comfortable in your own skin, and finding yourself to be beautiful. True beauty comes from that response. I can't speak to your response, since you've had alopecia for longer than me, and have thus struggled, dealt with, and clearly proven yourself stronger in the face of it. Yet I think you've walked away with the complete opposite response that this forum and site is trying to provide--the healthy response that, no matter what your physical appearance, beauty stems from self confidence.
That you would even post something like "They look weird and hideous" to a woman trying to cope with her physical appearance is unfortunate, cruel, and unexpected
Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on July 4, 2011 at 9:25pm
Add to the list if I may? Mean, distasteful, hurtful, and crass. I guess thats enough said. Oh wait one more Shallow!!!

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