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A woman with alopecia in the dating the world
Reading other post about dating with alopecia has raised some questions of my own.
I'm 29. I've was diagnosed with alopecia areata when I was 4. I've never had much luck in the dating world. This is usually because of me being too insecure to put forth any type of effort, and also over the years becoming extremely independent. Most guys have a hard time dealing with that.
My alopecia does hold me back. I have yet to find a guy that I feel comfortable... And confident enough... To talk about it. I'm terrified of the reaction and what will come out of it.
However.... Most guys make it difficult for me to bring it up because I'm lot really given the opportunity. Am I crazy to think the process of dating is ACTUALLY going on dates and getting to know one another? Most guys just want to sit around the house and watch movies. That makes it very hard to actually get to know someone.. Open up. Plus, as a female with alopecia, I'm uncomfortable and self conscious the whole time. I get not having money and whatnot, but there are cheap/free things to do, but no effort is made.
Perhaps this is a bit off topic, but any words or wisdom would be much appreciated. :)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Susan McAdams on
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Hi Emily--
I am 45 years old and living single now in Los Angeles--one of the most vapid, superficial cities on the planet. I spent the past year enduring a major relapse of AA to the point where I had so little hair left, I shaved my head in December. I spent a couple months hibernating with close friends and feeling very hopeless about the prospect of dating again. Finally, in March, I signed up on OkCupid and have been on several dates. I was with one very nice man for about 6 weeks, but he left not because of my alopecia, but for personal reasons involving closure with his impending divorce and fallout from his kids. As far as others I have dated, I follow the "second date rule." I wear wigs, so when on a first date, I don't mention anything about my condition. If there is a connection and a second date happens, then I tell my date up front about everything. I would say, about half the men didn't really care, a quarter were clearly freaked out, and another quarter I'm not sure, but we didn't have any follow-up dates. That may have just been due to personal reasons or lack of chemistry, I don't know.
But I do struggle with the concept of dating. It is hard an stressful to tell the truth to my date and then observe the reaction. But like I said, even in this awful city (in terms of dating), there have been men who were not all that concerned about my AA. So I have to keep believing that there is a man out there who will not only accept my condition, but will also have the appropriate chemistry with me to venture into a relationship. I work very hard to keep my body in top physical shape. I have always been an athlete, so my body is a great asset in terms of attraction. That is something I can CONTROL, so I do the best I can.
Back in 2007, when I had my first attack of AA and was in complete confusion and despair, a good friend of mine shared something with me over drinks. She said, "You have to remember that everybody has SOMETHING." We are all struggling with our own personal issues, be it a physical flaw or psychological problem. Yet, we all just try and carry on." It was a powerful statement, and I always carry that mantra with me: Everybody has SOMETHING.
The other night, I went to dinner with a friend, and a couple in their late 40's or early 50's were seated at the table next to us. The man was clearly handicapped physically inn some way. His motor skills were very compromised, and his wife had to help him drink his wine without spilling it. My friend and i felt very uncomfortable sitting next to them because it was, as you can imagine, a messy scene. At the end of the meal, the couple asked us to slide our table over so the man could get up to leave. He sat on his seat and struggled over and over to simply stand up, failing each time. His wife stood nearby, patiently waiting. My friend offered assistance, and he politely declined. We finally asked him what was his condition, and he said, "Let me put it this way--Don't ever swerve out of the way if a dog runs in front of your car." We talked with the couple after that, and what was so amazing was the love his wife had for her now severely handicapped husband. He finally gained the strength to stand up on his own, and we all high-fived and joked about it after. Driving home that night, my mantra really struck me deeply. Everybody does have something, and if you are a good person with an open heart, there is surely someone out there for you. All of us. It gave me hope.
I have another date with a new man I met on OkCupid this Friday. I will continue to follow my "second date rule." Maybe it will come to nothing. Maybe we will have chemistry. Maybe he will be afraid of my condition. Who knows? I just know that if I don't conquer my inner fears and anxieties and hide from the dating scene, there will be zero chance I will find that man I am looking for. So I carry on. I won't let me hair (or lack there of) define me. I have so many positive traits, and that is what I try to express when I go on a date.
You are 29. You should not be with men who just want to sit around the house and watch TV. I don't know where you live, but you should be able to find affordable things to do out in the real world. Meet for drinks at a cool dive bar. Go find places that have live bands playing with no cover charge. Find an art opening at a gallery and visit it. Or just have coffee and stroll around a cool neighborhood. That's when you will find opportunity to talk. Hair or no hair, you can't launch into a relationship without lots of honest, thoughtful conversation. That's how it all begins.
I will send you a friend request, if you like, and give you my personal email. If you would like to stay in touch, we can perhaps compare notes on our dating experiences. Maybe that will help us both, I don't know. Just be aware that you are not alone in this challenge.
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Permalink Reply by Tuesday on
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Emily, I think Susan has shared alot of wisdom." You are 29. You should not be with men who just want to sit around the house and watch TV. I don't know where you live, but you should be able to find affordable things to do out in the real world. Meet for drinks at a cool dive bar. Go find places that have live bands playing with no cover charge. Find an art opening at a gallery and visit it. Or just have coffee and stroll around a cool neighborhood. That's when you will find opportunity to talk. Hair or no hair, you can't launch into a relationship without lots of honest, thoughtful conversation. That's how it all begins".
I have AU and lost hair when dating. I can say I had just as many if not more rejections when I had hair. If anything, alopecia can weed out the insincere or heart breakers. Please have faith. There are men out there who will love you and your alopecia. We all have issues sand and will need acceptance. you deserve to get out with men and explore world and each other and embrace flaws together.
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Just a little update on my front. I went on my date Friday night with a guy I had just met on OkCupid. I stuck to my "second-date" rule and did not tell him anything about my Alopecia. I wanted him to see me for ME. Plus, by not worrying about that conversation on a first date, it allows me to relax and just enjoy the conversation.
Well, the date went really well. We had a lot in common--he is very athletic like I am and we laughed and had a good, healthy banter between us. We decided to meet up again for dinner last night (Oh no--the dreaded "talk."). About halfway through our dinner I told him about my condition. I explained my "second date" rule and said it is certainly OK if he is freaked out by the whole thing, and I would not be offended at all by it. My date commented that he has lost half of his hair (due to typical male hair loss). We laughed. Then he told me a funny story about a ski weekend he went on with a group of friends and a woman in the group who revealed she had Alopecia by just casually walking out of the shower naked from the waist up and exposing her bald head. Everyone in the group was initially shocked--but more by the fact that their friend had no issue walking around half naked in front of them!
We laughed some more about that. And then my date said he couldn't care less. End of discussion. Onto a new topic as we finished our dinner. Afterwards, we shared a lovely, long kiss in the parking lot. When I got home we texted a little, and he thanked me for telling him about my Alopecia and noted how it must suck and how cool I am about dealing with it. I responded by saying I won't let it define me.
We plan to have another date soon. Now, I know, whether it succeeds or fails is due to chemistry and compatability and not my lack of hair. In other words, we proceed in the normal course of any relationship.
I hope this gives you a little faith in the dating scene. This is not the first man to react this way. And one thing I do know about him now is that he is not a superficial asshole (there are plenty here in Los Angeles!). Don't ever let your Alopecia define you. Get a great wig and get out there and be YOU.
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Permalink Reply by Emily on
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Thank you for this. Very encouraging. What an awesome story... Good luck... And keep us updated. :)
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Permalink Reply by transam9304 on
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i know im not a woman but i can relate. it is very difficult to date and when u do all u are thinking about the whole time is when should i tell him/her or if they already noticed it. and of course friends and family say its "not that noticeable" or "dont worry about it". well thats easy for them to say! i feel your pain emily. sorry i dont really have any words of wisdom but just remember not all guys are concerned about your condition especially the guys who have it. i found out 3 of my friends have alopecia after i was diagnosed and i had known them for years! if the guy u r dating is that shallow to judge u on that then he is not good enough for u anyway. but i do understand ur pain and hopefully one day it wont let it get the best of us!
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Permalink Reply by Ramesh on
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Hi,
I am a 30 year old male, I've had alopecia since I was 3. Growing up, I had similar issues in meeting up with girls in school/college. I can relate to how you feel. I never really found a girlfriend or love because of this. But I don't think it's too late. I have stopped worrying about it lately. At some point I decided to completely shave my head off and now I do it everyday. Not worrying about having to cover my head up gave me a lot of confidence. I think worrying about it gets you nowhere - I just accept it now and move on and focus on other things. Like they say,"all things come to those who wait"
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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No effort is made? By WHOM? Are YOU making the effort to come up creative, memorable meals or activities EVEN WITH LITTLE MONEY that will get the guys talking about how much fun they have at your house or in your city?
It takes two to tango. Show that you will be full of surprises throughout the relationship and years. Picnic on the living room floor. Exotic beverage and ethnic food. Surprise guest. Formal attire with a twist. C'mon...you can do this. Think of the crazy ideas they use on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette TV shows. Once the men know you expect fun, they will have to one-up you in that category to be REAL men and to beat out the rest.
Do not make it about some fantasy romance right off the bat. Get to know some male FRIENDS through the fun events. They may even introduce you to one of their friends or cousins if you are simply a GREAT GAL. Heck, I took a guy to a mountaintop, ocean, Chinatown, fishing wharf, winery, record store, 1960s soda shop cafe, Indian bistro, redwood forest, hippy park and church all on the same first date. Granted, the date was 6 days long, but even if he didn't like it, I had a blast myself!
Stop waiting around living rooms. You are 29.
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Permalink Reply by 2yv8sk37l2jbl on
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Not only have I have au since age10, but I am also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have gone on very few "real dates" unless I was in a steady relationship. you could wait for that or go on a dating site. I did this recently and put bald as my hair color on my profile. No one cared. Some didn't even notice the bald part. No one teased me. one man even said the baldness is sexy. I met one of the men that lived just a mile away from my home and ended up running errands with him since he didn't have a car and shortly thereafter deleted my account. He is my Facebook friend now. But I proved to myself that my personal problems with hair loss aren't the big deal to others that I think they are.
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