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Acceptance - One day, the world just stopped staring
Don't mind me, just thinking out loud . . .
I think the hardest part of my acceptance with knowing that I am bald and was always going to be bald, was managing how I reacted to people staring at me in public. If I was struggling with dealing with who I am, having people stare at me only added fuel to the fire.
My friends however would just see me for who I am ("You are bald, so what?") and would forget all about the baldness. If anything, I was simply part of the landscape no different than anyone else. So in my experience with them, my baldness did not exist. But when going to the store, for example, kids would point and people would stare and a few might even make a comment or ask a question. And that was hard because while my friends did not seem to make any deal about my being different, other people obviously did. In a way, I could not blame them because I knew there was something different about me, too. But did they have to stare?
Oddly enough, I do not have cancer nor ever had cancer nor is it a reality, but I cannot even begin to count how many times people would come up to me and go, "I know what you are dealing with and god bless you, you will be alright; my brother finished chemo and lost everything (hair) but he is alright now and everything came back." And they would offer a warm smile. Now if I retorted, "But I don't have cancer," there would be a look of shock on that individual's face. On the flip side, I learned that if I replied, "Thank you, that helps," they would walk away with a smile. Now is there something wrong with this picture? Absolutely, the individual still thinks I am sick. But what I had recognized and learned that was even more important was that how other people would react to me would depend very much on how I would react to them.
And here is the weird thing. One day, the world just stopped staring. Maybe people haven't, maybe they have. But suddenly one day, I realized, I didn't notice them anymore. At all.
Perhaps it was because I came to such acceptance with what I have. Maybe it was my attitude toward myself as well as toward others; perhaps I carried a different disposition about myself that was neither inviting nor intimidating, just a blend into everything else. But one day, it just all stopped.
I think the hardest part of my acceptance with knowing that I am bald and was always going to be bald, was managing how I reacted to people staring at me in public. If I was struggling with dealing with who I am, having people stare at me only added fuel to the fire.
My friends however would just see me for who I am ("You are bald, so what?") and would forget all about the baldness. If anything, I was simply part of the landscape no different than anyone else. So in my experience with them, my baldness did not exist. But when going to the store, for example, kids would point and people would stare and a few might even make a comment or ask a question. And that was hard because while my friends did not seem to make any deal about my being different, other people obviously did. In a way, I could not blame them because I knew there was something different about me, too. But did they have to stare?
Oddly enough, I do not have cancer nor ever had cancer nor is it a reality, but I cannot even begin to count how many times people would come up to me and go, "I know what you are dealing with and god bless you, you will be alright; my brother finished chemo and lost everything (hair) but he is alright now and everything came back." And they would offer a warm smile. Now if I retorted, "But I don't have cancer," there would be a look of shock on that individual's face. On the flip side, I learned that if I replied, "Thank you, that helps," they would walk away with a smile. Now is there something wrong with this picture? Absolutely, the individual still thinks I am sick. But what I had recognized and learned that was even more important was that how other people would react to me would depend very much on how I would react to them.
And here is the weird thing. One day, the world just stopped staring. Maybe people haven't, maybe they have. But suddenly one day, I realized, I didn't notice them anymore. At all.
Perhaps it was because I came to such acceptance with what I have. Maybe it was my attitude toward myself as well as toward others; perhaps I carried a different disposition about myself that was neither inviting nor intimidating, just a blend into everything else. But one day, it just all stopped.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mary on
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Well said, Martin!
Except when people do something like those I ran into in Indonesia who took my picture and laughed and pointed (I posted a blog about it), or when a child comments "Mommy, that lady doesn't have any hair!", most of the time I don't notice the staring. It's still there, I'm sure. But, when I adjusted MY attitude and accepted that being bald is MY new normal, it just receded into the background.
I think you're right - our attitude toward ourselves is paramount. When I project a confident, "there's nothing unusual about me" attitude, people seem to follow my lead. Fake it 'til you make it worked for me.
Mary
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Permalink Reply by Tuesday on
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I like that phrase, "...the world just stopped staring." I think I"ll repeat this as a mantra - I'm sure it will work. :) Thanks!
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Permalink Reply by Lorna on
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I really like your posting! Encouraging! Makes me realise I can stop noticing too or stop being ultra aware that people might be staring and tune into that. Love that you have reached a state of no self-conciousness. This I will aspire too. Thanks..
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Permalink Reply by Christa M. on
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I experienced similar things. The reaction of people seems to work like a mirror.
If they ask me about cancer, I just answer "I only have an allergy against my own hair, nothing to worry about" (smile).
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Permalink Reply by nrja on
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hey martin .....
why dont we have another planet for alopecians ... very far away from this hairy earth ..... ???
that would be heaven for us .. isn't it ?? ;P
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Permalink Reply by Bruce on
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I've been thinking about this...
If we are Alopecians, where do we come from? Where is this mythical "Alopecia"?
Is it a planet out by the Crab Nebula? Or is it a lost civilization like Atlantis and we are the lost Children of Alopecia?
And what mysterious properties, abilities, or powers do we possess? And furthermore, are we not an improvement on the transitional state of the quasi-apelike homo sapiens? I say we are a superior step in evolution! ALOPECIANS RULE!!!
Alternatively (if you follow the Star Trek canon) we're Deltans and they're supposed to be superior lovers!!! I don't mind if anyone spreads THAT myth! Please, be my guest. LOL
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Permalink Reply by Hayley on
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love this post.......its taken me 4 years,but i think i'm there!! i'm no longer self-consciousness and i have accepted ME! and as a result others seem to have......BUT,it's because i am more open about it. i'm me...and i'm bald!;0)
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Permalink Reply by Chefpam on
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But one day, it just all stopped.....I can't wait for that day. Whether it's the hairloss, the pain, the fear, the stares....I just want it all to stop.
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Permalink Reply by Martin on
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The biggest thing is being able to control your thoughts regarding how other people perceive you as being different. Once you are able to deflect people's comments and stares and find yourself "blending" into the scene, thoughts of your being conscious of other people and people being conscious of you begin to wash away. But to control the thought processes involved with being conscious of others always begins with oneself and how you perceive yourself. If you think you are fine, well, then you are. It is as soon as you begin to allow even a bit self-consciousness to creep in where you will find that "all eyes are upon you." Love yourself, treat your hair / state of hair as being something irrelevant (example, "My hair? Oh that thing . . . ) and just do what you do. The less you think about it, the less other people will seem to think about it. Not saying its easy; it does take time but you will find one day catching yourself going, "You know . . . nobody seems to be staring anymore."
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