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Alopecia and forming deep connections
Hi everyone ! Just wanted to start off saying I appreciate everyone of us on this journey, it gives me so much strength to witness how we all experience this and can learn from one another.
My reason for this discussion is to ask what are some ways to go about dating. To be honest , how do you all go about forming deep relationships in general. I know personally ever since I developed alopecia, it has been a blockage towards my connecting with others. At first I'm so for it but to know that in order to fully engage with an interest or potential friend I will have to be prepared for those times where they either choose to not accept me or prepared for the times when they say or do things because they're not fully mature in understanding or having compassion towards the condition.
It's almost like I literally hit a road block, I'll like an individual and the person likes me back but from there it's a wall as if all the horrible possibilities flash before my eyes in regards to revealing that part of me so then I retreat. So I guess for hope and a way to go about things , how have you all successfully formed relationship with this condition. Family is one thing but branching out from there especially due to past traumas is a bit terrifying .
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on
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Dear Jordan,
I wrote this several years ago, but it's been republished since right here on AW. Hope it helps!
Debbi’s Third Date Rule!
For those of you who are dating and don’t know how to broach the subject of your alopecia with a new person, this is my BEST ADVICE. You tell them on the third date, without fail! When you go on a first date with someone, you’re just checking them out and seeing if they are worth getting to know. You definitely should not be getting so close that they need to know about your hair – right? Second date, YOU are evaluating THEM for possible future relationship material. Ask all the right questions, find out if they are good to their Moms etc. If you both like each other enough to go on to that all-important third date, then it’s time to tell them about your alopecia. For one thing, you don’t want them to put their hand on the back of your neck and be surprised that there’s an edge there, but, most importantly, if you wait longer, the alopecia becomes the elephant in the room. You KNOW that you have to bring it up, but the longer you leave it, the more difficult it is to do. If you let it go until you’re really involved and then the person can’t handle it, you feel devastated and miserable because you let yourself get close to someone who, in my opinion, is unworthy of you in the first place. Now you need a shrink to get over the experience! DON’T DO THAT. Tell them on the third date. That way, even if you get rejected, the most it takes to get over it is a glass of wine or two! At that stage, you can say to yourself, “well, I’m sure glad I found out NOW that this person is so shallow that they can’t see me for the wonderful person I am.” Anyone that is worthy of your love and affection needs to be able to cut the mustard. Anyone who would not want to date you just because you have alopecia will disappear at the first sign of trouble on ANY front. What would happen if you got seriously ill, say, breast cancer, and had to have a mastectomy? He’d be out the door. You want someone who will truly love YOU for who you are and won’t judge you if you gain a couple of pounds, wear glasses, have spider veins, a sagging butt, or alopecia! The best people are the ones who see the real you, the person who is funny, caring, strong, hard-working – all those great qualities that you have!
As to how to broach the subject, don’t make a big deal about it. Say something like, “by the way, before we go out again, I need to tell you that I wear a wig because I have a condition called alopecia areata. Have you ever heard of it?” If they say, yes, then get into a discussion of how and why and find out how much they know. If they say, “no”, then tell them about it. Tell them that you are totally healthy, that it is an autoimmune condition that only affects your hair, that one out of every 100 people will get the little round patches during their lifetimes, that you are just one of the lucky ones that got totalis! Be funny, make sure that you don’t make it a big serious thing. You’ll be able to tell by the way the discussion goes if the person can handle it or not. If they can’t, no bid deal, there are plenty of better fish in the sea. If they say, “no problem, your hair looks great!” then make another date!
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Permalink Reply by Lisa B on
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Thank you so much ... I am new to all this and it is very encouraging to see how everyone deals with all this. I have been alone in my journey.
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Permalink Reply by Mark on
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Hi, Jordan. I have AU. It's been about 25 years since I lost all of my hair. It took a year or two for me to accept my condition, but I finally became comfortable in my own skin. I am a gregarious person and that helps. The more you get out there and interact, the better you will feel. If someone asks about it, just tell them and move on. Most folks will judge you by who you are. The ratio of a$$holes to decent people is exactly the same as it was before you got alopecia. The most important thing is for YOU to become comfortable with how you look. Like any thing else, it takes a little work. Just get out there and live.
As for romance, you are a very attractive lady. My new partner has know me for about 20 years and she has never seen me with hair. Turns out, she has always thought that I was handsome. When you meet the right person, your lack of hair will not be an issue.
Think positive. I am glad that you get strength from the experiences of others on this forum. I think that is a sign that you will be fine. Some folks with alopecia never accept it. You will not be one of those. Now, go forth and leave your mark on the world!
Baldly going where no man has gone before,
Mark
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People liked me when I had hair and people like me now. I must have been doing something right, with or without hair.
That gave me comfort as I transitioned to accepting AU.
People still like/love me.
Don't put chains on yourself....
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Exactly!!! It took me a few years to accept it... But I have!! I am more than my hair...I do stand up comedy, I'm a veteran, I'm a mother... A
It took me a while to get here though! For me... As soon as I embraced and accepted... It became easy.
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Hi Jordan,
I think that it is truly up to that individual when they decide to share about being Alopecian! I've been bald for over 43 years and didn't speak about my hair loss to ANYONE for quite a while. As, I began to become comfortable with who I am as a bald person, I began sharing with close friends and others that I trusted. Honestly, while dating I rarely told a guy! Predominately, because I didn’t know where the relationship was going or if they would become an intricate part of my life long-term. Until, I met the man of the dreams! I began to realize that I was really falling for him and he needed to know the TRUE ME! I really don’t know how long we dated before I share but know it was freeing to be my TRUE SELF around him. It was tough though, but he saw ME! We’ve been married for over 25 years and together for 28.
So, I guess what I’m saying is to tell those you are dating when you feel it’s the right time to share. I really don’t believe there is a perfect “number of dates” or a perfect “timeframe.” Just, when you know you are ready to share! Stay true to yourself and the right guy will cherish the TRUE YOU!
Happy dating!
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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I tell men right off the bat. Then again, I usually don't wear a wig so they usually know something is up when they see me wear hats all the time. In the summer, I usually go bald so everyone knows it anyway. Some men love it. Some men are freaked out by it but they usually don't approach me to begin with so it works out. I have been dealing with AU for 15 years so I have gone through pretty much every phase of grief one can go through. In my experience, if you act like it is no big deal, the guy will usually follow your lead. Unless he is completely turned off by bald women but if your up front about it, these guys usually ghost out. Their loss. You have to look at dating as a weeding process. If a guy has a problem with you being bald, it is better to weed him out immediately rather than waste your time.
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Permalink Reply by Zimrie on
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If it works for you to tell someone on the third date, that's fine.
You have to remember though, that dating can't be treated like a mathematical procedure.
In my past dating experience, I notice that some men get intense in a matter of hours or minutes. They ask a lot of questions where I would not want to lie.
In times past, I did not hide my illness from them just because we've never been out before.
My next concern is that wigs are hot and even a prosthetic wig can drive you crazy.
I was on the dance floor one night when I got damp with sweat and my prosthesis started to slide backwards and gave me a high forehead. I had to go in the girls bathroom to put it back in position and my feelings were completely cut off. My "date" already knew about my alopecia because I live with him. What would a first date think if you suddenly developed a high forehead?
If I'm out with someone who I don't know and my prosthesis is too hot, I'll take it off and put on the head scarf I always carry for emergencies. Otherwise, I would make myself and everyone around me miserable.
Can you visualize being out with someone for the first time and having to taking your hair off with no communication? In some cases they might think you're weird.
A question I get quite often is, "Can you take that headband off?" Well, my fall wig is the most comfortable and dignified thing I have. Here again, there were two occasions where the person asking was a man who I didn't know. Some men will drop you if you don't tell them the truth and can also tell when you're hiding something.
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Have you tried pro alopeciata, I have hearing about lately and some have already seen results. It only available through their site www.curespotbaldness.com. It contains plant extracts and formulated in EU. Sounds very promising. Share us your experience if you try it. Good luck.
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