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Anyone's husband have a hard time accepting your Alopecia and the way you look?
I've had alopecia for a little over 2 years now but it's hardly been noticeable til the past month when it all started to fall out, and i ended up shaving my head. My husband tells me he supports me (when i ask him) but that's the extent of it. He barely looks at me face to face anymore. He has bascially told me he doesn't want me to take a hat or scarf off! (He's yet to see me bald) I can tell that he is uncomfortable even though he won't admit it. I'm feeling totally rejected. We've been together for around 8 years and i never thought he would act this way...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on
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I'm sorry to hear of this rough time. It will ease over time.
Cut him a lot of slack. In all liklihood, he never thought he would respond this way either...it's rough on him too....in his own way. During this transition, be sure to get bolstered within yourself ( but not by blaming him) by being around positive people and doing positive things for other people. It fills you up at a time when a part of you feels deflated. If the relationship is mostly solid in other ways, he will come around. Use touch. Just hold his hand and say , " I sure feel crummy". He will likely take a huge deep breath ( sigh of relief) when you touch him and say that. Touch is the secret weapon to unlock his feelings. You hold the key.
At the same time, talking about it with others and deciding not to sweep the relationship issues under the rug is a good strategy. Many causes: men can feel helpless when they can't fix something; changes like this can bring submerged other issues that usually simmer up to the surface; he sees the changes in you as you see your own changed self image and doesn't feel comfortable yet with how to tread. Lots of possibilities.
Start off open ended and less personal: Just make some nonchalant, neutral statements spread out over many days. Have no expectations. leave the door wide open. Don't expect any response. Give him a wide berth to explore his feelings. Just say:" Geez, my hair sure is making life different lately." at a time when you know he's listening and not focused on anything problematic . then don't say another word about it for another 24 hours. Watch and see what happens.
Thea
baldgirlsdolunch.org
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Permalink Reply by Bluebird on
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I'm having a hard time with that too. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. He was so awkward last month when I discussed me wanting to shave my head for the Freedom wig. His first response was "You mean shave it like Susan Powter? Could you wear a wig to bed?" Not very encouraging. So basically he's the only thing holding me back from shaving my head. It's kind of upsetting because everyone's significant other here seems to be very loving and supportive of them no matter what happens to their hair. He also tells me he supports me, but I can tell he already looks at me differently. He told me he never would have noticed my hair loss until I kept mentioning it. Now it seems like he doesn't tell me I'm pretty as often as he used to. He's not mean about it, just so awkward. I think he and I would both need time to get used to seeing me bald. I guess part of that is natural. But it's be too hard to constantly hide my bald head from him. For right now,it seems like he's just trying to say all the right things he doesn't mean, but wants to mean. I know he loves me and still always tells me how lucky he is to be married to me. But we're still adjusting to everything.
I hope things get better for you. I think maybe everyone needs time to adjust to all these changes...
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It's not easy. Just hold his hand and don't say anything. He'll come around better by touching more and saying less. Most guys do. Most guys also have a harder time with change in general than women do. They need longer to switch gears than we do. In a good way, Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. You can use it to your advantage. Like said above, wives/girlfriends/ hold the key to their guys. No one else has it. Women with alopecia have more power to influence than we may realize we do at times. Woman power done gently.
i know ( i felt that way myself at one time) the feelings of wanting our sig other to wake up and see what we need. To us it seems obvious, but it's not. too often we're on autopilot expecting our partners to be mind readers. they're just not wired that way. not about alopecia, not about anything. So do a work around to wind up at the same or better place in the end. one of the best relationship guides I know is not a book about adults at all, It's Faber and Mazlish's now classic " How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk". Just substitute partner for Kids. Especially if you were exposed to toxic parenting by your own parents, their wisdom and a willingness to face up to and change personal modus operandi is a powerful combination.
I just don't believe in looking to alter and change other people as THE answer. Fix ourselves first. That's what we have 100% control over. On a parallel track, learn how to bring everyone else along for the ride. And if they never get on board, they never do. But you'll always know...always that you did your best. And you can never expect more of yourself than giving it your best shot.
Thea
baldgirlsdolunch.org
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this is really coincidental. I've been flipping through Be Heard the First Time...not recommending it really...just a technique and voice coaching book about how women ( and men) can become more aware of their voices, body language, the disconnect and the remedy between what they mean and how their voices actually sound...and there at the end in the short list of selected references much to my surprise is my favorite book again by Faber and Mazlish. Miller probably referenced it for the core lesson of learning to listen actively without judgment.
Thea
baldgirlsdolunch.org
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Permalink Reply by Dominique Cleopatra on
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Hey Deb, I was just wondering was that guy who is standing next to you in your pics, you know the one that is "Bald as a Bean" your husband? just wondering. The irony is killing me. Maybe he has some self-loathing issues of his own to deal with.
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Permalink Reply by Lucinda on
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Thanks for the replies everyone. I guess i have been a little hard on him. I think i'm just really not totally ok with everything myself yet. I just need to give him some time i suppose. I also like the whole idea of just easing the whole issue into conversation now and then. And see where he goes from there. I just sometimes get into this "why me" slump and expect him to just understand everything i'm going through. I think it's going to take some time from both of us to get back to normal....
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I would think soft smooth skin on certain parts of the body could be fun. If you have hair loss in other areas maybe try to play up the sexiness of that aspect of alopecia. Also different wigs could be fun. You could introduce role playing into your romantic encounters....What do you think ladies are you game?
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Permalink Reply by Aida Ravaie-O'Sullivan on
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Hi Lucinda,
Just would like to share my story. I am 44 years old and have been married for 15 years.
When I lost my hair in mid May this year, I didn't know what is wrong with me. Starting a bit nervous, on that time, but my husband didn't say a word about it. But I just kept going back and forth from GP, naturopath, and specialist until early July, my specialist said that I have AA. But in June, I start with lots of my panic/anxiety attack while I am driving, and cry a lot. I told my husband about this, but he just didn't say a word. Until this moment he hasn't even say, such a simple thing: "are you OK?" Nope...he hasn't say a word!!! But, thank God, my 2 beautiful children are supporting me all the time...They are the one who make me stand up and out from my "hiding" now...!!! Without my kids, I don't know where I would be...
the result of this, in July, I've made decision that I need to go away, without him!! and I told him that I would like to go home to visit my father in Jakarta, Indonesia. And what I said to him: "I am going with kids but you are not invited!" as because I was so depress the way he treated me...I booked our flights for September. In the mean time...my life really going down the hill. Lost all my selfesteem and confidence and lots of cry... I feel relief to go to work and straight to gym (with head scarf), and home around 8pm, and come home just ready for bed. One time I just couldn't handle this anymore, and went for counselling. Thank God, I did this!! And talk about all my problem and my husband. My sanity slowly returns and really don't care anymore about him, so, I just go along with myself.
Anyway, I went for 2 weeks visit my father and met my highschool friends, back home...had great time, and my family and friends really support me in anyway..., So, when I return to Adelaide, I feel I am a new person!!!
And yes...until now, he hasn't say anything, but he shows his supports in other way, such as doing things around the house, taking and pick up kids from school, shopping etc, we going out once a week for dinner out with kids...
Btw, he talk other stuff to me, but not about me with AA.
I don't need his words anymore, but if he did say something it would be grateful, however, I don't hold my breath!!!
My husband is the person who can't tolerate with emotional stuff, but I do starting to accept this, and yes I am very grateful that I found all support from the net.
For Thea, I read your comments and such a great advice. I will try to understand more about my husband.
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Permalink Reply by paul williams on
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i know how u feel i was with someone for almost 11 years 3 kids and i started losing my hair at 23 years old the girl that i was with we started to drift apart before i lost my hair then when i lost it all she did was laugh and say i was ugly my self esteem was already bad that made it worse i had worn a hat since the age of 23 now im 35 i just got most of my hair back i only have a little bald spot witch i can cover so now im hat free i use to wear a hat and everything to bed it was that bad i wouldn't even sleep without it on my head.But i know it is alot worse for the girls i have four daughters of my and would cry if they lost there hair even worse i know it is more hard for kids but guys i mean sometimes look good bald but it can take a toll on them to.but what your husband is doing or whatever the case may be he should love u no matter what that would be like someone geting cancer and having kemo and u lost your hair and your husband saying well that just nasty or not accepting it thats just wrong if he really loves u he will support u and wouldn't do that just like the girl i was with for 11 years 3 kids she laughed when i lost my hair put me down that's not love but anyways i wish u good luck have a nice day Paul
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Permalink Reply by MARGARET MCCOY on
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sometimes the ones we love dont know how to show us that they have pain for what we go through....it could hurt him to see you that way cause he does not know how to help you through this
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