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Explaining AU to kids
Hi guys. I have an 8 year old daughter who has been making comments about my hair loss and its really bothering me. I have explained how I feel about it to her and when we discuss it she says she understands how hwe comments hurt me yet she continues to do it. Last night at dinner with another family she began making comments to the other children at the table saying I have no eyebrows and she thinks I shave my face (mind you I have explained to her what alopecia is). Any suggestions how to go about this? Thanks
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by VanillaPlum01 on
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He's going to have a talk with her tomorrow
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I told my husband he should talk to her about it. He said he would tomorrow once we got home. Let's see
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Permalink Reply by Tuesday on
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I have AU. Not sure if you have older children but wanted to comment every child's reaction us different. My older son has been very understanding and supportive of my alopecia; he is not bothered by me wearing scarves and has apparently explained and defended my appearance to others. My younger son is 8 and oscillates between embarrassment and pity. I should add that my younger son, in general, is a much more positive, happy, kind personality than my other, more mercurial, intense, explosive son. One would expect the scenario to be reversed.
so, my point is, as parents, our children will not always act as we expect or teach. I am always amazed at the different reactions, in my two sons! I will guess as time goes on, your daughter will understand your situation.
I would take the great advice given here. Good luck!!
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Thank you
Helps to know I'm not alone
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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on
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Just one more thought - I was raised Catholic. We were taught that age 7 was the "age of reason" and from that age onward, we were expected to understand right from wrong. That is the age where we had our "first Communion" and started going to confession. While am no longer a practicing Catholic, I agree that "children" know right from wrong by that age. Parents have a right to demand respect from their children. The fact that children are allowed to say or do anything at all even if it hurts someone without repercussions, is, in my opinion, one of the reasons we have some of the really bad behavior we see in public now. It's OK to discipline your child (I'm not talking about physical punishment here just to be clear), it's OK to make sure that they understand right from wrong and making fun of other people for how they look is NOT ok.
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Thank you for your response. I also was raised Catholic bit being a Puerto Rican I think has culturally made it more difficult. We tend to not question things and raise our children not to question because its a form of disrespect. Now we are raising my daughter to ask questions about the world so that she could acquire knowledge but I wonder if in a sense it is giving her too much"freedom" to question and really bcome almost combative in public. I also am no longer a practicing Catholic BTW
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Permalink Reply by HealthCareNavigator on
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No judgment.
Either she has acquired this insensitivity over time and as this one is truly offensive as you are the brunt or she is uncomfortable and possibly embarrassed by what she 'thinks' other insensitive children might say and is not equipped to handle.
Either way, nip it in the bud! When diagnosed my son & husband were in my eyes insensitive, ignorance and just down right tackless. There intention was not to hurt, but their curiosity and conversations, were as if I had control over the loss. I was overwhelming, as I was already recovering from an accident and job loss while in he midst of legal proceedings.
Talk to her about all types of disabilities, imperfections of people, including her's. One's that can be hidden and those that cannot. Let her know that you understand that she is not sure how to handle what people might say. Try to have fun with it - do some dramatic eye make-up sessions with her or buy some wigs together, let her know that you are handling whatever comes your way, because you are strong and she should be just as strong should she deal with insensitive or bullying people.
Explore ways of having her engaged, do some research together about hormones, microbiomes/probiotics or anti-inflammatory.foods, as a way of life and possible prevention.
Then tell her to tell people, your husband thinks her look is sexier this way and she maybe too young to understand, then lick your finger and put it on your butt, with a sizzle sound. Then go in the bathroom and throw up ... you did it.
My two cents worth.
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Thank you so much for your reply. You put a smile on my face. I work with children that are severely autistic and have other medical frailties and recently some of the students graduated. I asked her if she wanted to go to their prom with me and of course she said yes. It was then that I realized I had never fully explained disabities to her. While Alopecia obviously isn't a disability, its safe to say its different from the norm. Ive been working with students with special needs for 10 years and I couldn't figure out how to explain it to her! I know its crazy. Once I explained it, she had lots of questions, I explained them all and then we went to prom and had an amazing time.
That being said, I really thank you for your advice. I think shopping for wigs with her is an awesome way to go about it.
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After being perm injured in an auto accident, I acquired chronic back pain and yes ... alopecia [inflammation ridden].
I was treated poorly by many insensitive and ignorant people in the earlier days of my disability - chronic back issues, until I learned how to mask it. I later fostered high functioning HF FASD youth and privately supported HF ASD youth.
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That sucks! Sorry to hear that
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No, the journey was tremendously hard, but the results have been amazing.
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Permalink Reply by LK on
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My daughter was about this age when she became very adamant about me coming to pick her up with my brows on. Evidently, one of her friends asked her why her mom didn't have any eyebrows or lashes and she felt insecure and embarrassed.m I never knew this til now. She's 17. Anyway I tried after that to fix myself up before I would go out of the house.
My other daughter could care less. She's 24 and pregnant with our first grandchild. One day, last week she asked me to meet her for lunch at a small cafe. I told her that I didn't have my makeup or hair fixed and she said just come anyway. We had such a relaxing visit. Everyone is different.
My advice is to just do your best to explain to your daughter how you feel and help her to know that you are not going to die from this. Also, try to explain to her that you don't like it either but that there are so much worse things that could happen to her mom than this.
I would try to fix yourself up every now and then. Put your wig or scarf on. Put some make up on. It will make you feel so much better about yourself. Just the other day, I told that same 17 year old why women do their hair, put makeup on and wear a cute outfit. It's not because we want to impress othe people but to impress ourselves and thus make ourselves feel good, thus we exude those good feelings to others. Good luck! She sounds like a sweet girl.
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