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Girlfriend won’t tell me she has alopecia
Hey there, I just had a questions about relationships and alopecia. I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for over a year now, and she still hasn’t told me about her alopecia. Every month or so she tells me she is going to go dye her hair, but I know she’s actually going to put her new wig on that she has ordered to her mothers house. I’ve known since we started dating, my sister used to be good friends with my girlfriends sister and she told my sister years ago about her condition so when I started dating her my sister told me about it. It doesn’t matter at all to me, she could walk around without a wig on at home, or where ever. She won’t shower with me, and would rather sit in her soaking wet wig for the day after showering rather than dry it off on a wig stand. Is she ever going to tell me? Should I not bring it up that I’ve known the entire time?? She gets extremely mAd when I touch her hair and I just want to move on from all of that and make her know that she has nothing to worry about with me. We are having a kid after all.
should I just leave her be?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Christina on
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I’ve been with my husband 20+ years and although he knows about my Alopecia, he has NEVER seen my bald head and NEVER will. Just be prepared that although you both know you know, she may never feel comfortable enough to show you and may continue to wear a wet wig. Just a different spin. Good luck :)
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Permalink Reply by AbbyAndrew on
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Glad you mentioned this! It's important to remember that that decision is ultimately up to her, and that OP should remember not to be frustrated if she chooses not to be without her wig around him! It's still her decision at the end of the day.
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I agree that it can feel like a huge weight off your shoulders when you eventually show your partner- and they get used to it pretty quickly and then it just seems normal to them. But you also shouldn't ever feel pressured by your partner to do so if you're not ready (encouragement is not the same thing as pressure in this case), and you shouldn't feel guilty for not being ready to do so now or ever.
But I do agree with Susan that it can be a great feeling and weight lifted :)
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My husband has never asked me. I keep my hair done so there is never really a time for him to see it. Him knowing is enough so I’m not pretending to be something I’m not. He fully understands that my hair is weave and underneath I am now bald :)
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I’m not sure what trust has to do with this. He knows I have it why does he need to “see” it? People have all types of illnesses and aren’t asked to show it? I also don’t feel burdened. The only people who see my head are the shampoo girl and my stylist :)
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You got it lol. Are there some days where I want to be free? Sure. But it just doesn’t work for me. I’m sure if he can handle me giving birth, my bald head won’t scare him away :)
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Permalink Reply by ladyray on
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Great story,your girlfriend hasn't come to full grips with her condition. She has to be comfortable within herself before she reveals it to you. It will take some time just continue to be very supportive of her. Maybe you can find some kind of way to talk it over with her very gentle.
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Permalink Reply by JessNinoska on
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Jimmy,
It seems that your girlfriend has not yet accepted herself (physical appearance) with this condition. She is probably struggling making a day to day with a relationship and it will be hard understanding that you see past what she sees. Most of us women feel like we need to look as put together possible because that's what men "like". I understand that this is not being open or probably not even healthy, but alopecia goes way deeper that what you see on the outside. My suggestion to you is to build her security and trust before you let her know that you know. Know that people can only meet you as far as they have met themselves. Good luck.
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I think Susan's idea is a wonderful, gentle wy to handle this...good luck
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My situation, was my husband knew about my alopecia. It didn't happen until several years into our marriage. His sister, whom i've only met once, was quite jealous/envious when we first met. Basically, her husband was openly flirting/making passes the whole time we had to be around them after we were introduced. Instead of her talking to him about it, well, she blamed his ardent behavior on me. My husband, who doesn't know how to deal with other men intruding on his wife, pretended it wasn't a "big deal", and stayed quiet. Thus, i immediately put distance between myself and the in-laws for my own protection.
During that time, the alopecia set in. I was devastated. Year after year after year. My hair/face/body was one of my jobs/careers.. (Sportsmodeling/Bodybuilding).. I also worked in the medical field which damn near killed me. And due to stress, lack of sleep (being on-call 24/7), more stress, adrenaline fatigue, plus braided hair styles, extensions - which i thought were a convenience, my hair repeatedly fell out every single year. Traction alopecia + Alopecia Areata..
Whelp! Last year, my sister-in-law decides she wanted to spend Xmas with us. She divorced her (gorilla) sorry, husband.. But she still had deep seated issues. I knew her type of personality, and still wasn't ready to share with her about my alopecia. My hair was growing back, but i still had a few bald spots, thus, i still wore very natural looking wigs. I asked my husband, if he would NOT tell his sister about my alopecia, until i was ready to divulge that information, myself. He isn't known for the ability to keep his mouth shut, and i explicitly asked if he would promise to keep our secret. He said he would.
She met me, and was really nice. But i didn't know that behind the scenes, she was looking for some "damning" evidence that i wasn't a "total package".. And my blabber mouth husband delivered. She was talking about my looks, physique, and how it must be hard to have to deal with other men trying to intrude in our relationship and BOOM!! He told her.
I don't know if it was out of jealousy due to what he considered "male competition".. but he just had to tell her.
When she walked back into the house with him? She had this gleam in her eyes and a strange smirk. She began talking about my hair, and repeatedly looking at my husband, then back at me. I was mortified..
I asked him, the moment she left the room - and he finally came out and said he told her. He just volunteered the information without her being direct about it.
I felt betrayed, i felt hurt, and most of all, i felt pretty darn exposed. I don't mind being vulnerable to a friend. But that female was definitely not the "friend" type.
I will say, that if your girlfriend asks "who told you?" well, as long as she knows it's someone who cares and has a good heart? She should be okay.
If she feels "betrayed".. let her know that it was people that care about her.
Thanks for sharing your story. Your girlfriend is in very good hands. :)
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Wow..
Now THAT would have "fried my chicken McNuggets." Susan, i am sorry you went through this. I really am. "In-laws" can be annoying as hell. But here's what i like about your strength.
You still remain an individual, and did not compromise who you were in order to be "accepted into the clan".
I've seen a lot of people, like yourself, just re-shape themselves in order to be liked. Folks don't seem to realize, that when you remold yourself, there are usually bones that are broken. (Usually, the back-bone. They learn to throw that out to be what others want.).. Their dreams, individuality, hopes, and goals are set aside, for the sake of acceptance. What a bargain!! (sarcasm) I can tell you some stories about people who settle/compromise themselves in order to be "loved by the in-laws". And what's even more astonishing? THEY wind up not only being the victim, but the "manipulator" "leader" and "controller" of the clan.
Your sister in law sounds like one of those types. Just like mine. Trust me on this one, they might "feel okay with themselves" as long as everyone else has the same "mind-set". But when someone upsets that apple-cart, like yourself - all hell breaks loose. And instead of people thinking as individuals, well, they "neuro-couple" with the leader.
If you were a "people pleaser" and asked "What can i so you can like me?" That would have been the nail in your spiritual coffin. That mental sadist would have had you jumping through hoops for her friendship and criticizing everything about you from dusk to dawn. Because you pose a threat to her, you can't be friends, unless it's on her terms.
It would be so nice, if you could trust the in-laws. And yes, my husband, is so blinded by love for his family. He didn't realize the damage until after the fact. He says he's LEARNING to be more considerate in what he tells people about our marriage in general? After 18 years, i found out, the "in-laws" weren't the only ones. Thus, i figured it's best to be discriminating in what i share and don't share with him. And yes, I definitely had a chuckle. My husband, was also raised in a Catholic, Italian family.. :)
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