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Going in public
I have had AU for about 10 years, I wear a wig every time I leave the house and don't let anyone see me without a scarf or hat in my house except my fiancé. This has been my way of coping for a long time- keeping what I look like bald a mystery even to my closest friends and family. I have felt emotionally fine about being bald for a long time now, but I think mostly because I just cover it up so it is not a topic that comes up much.
When I first lost my hair I was in college and went bald everywhere, fraternity parties, grocery stores, the gym- I did not care at all. I think I became a bit “scarred” by that time in my life because I had so much negative feedback. From little kids at the store asking if I was a boy or girl, college boys dismissing me at first sight, and even a boyfriend at the time that behind my back said he would never marry me because he would be afraid to have kids with me for chance it could be passed on (among even worse comments). My way of dealing with the negative feedback was avoiding it- so I basically became attached to my wig and have not gone out without it in many many years. I have always been an advocate that if this is how someone chooses to deal with their Alopecia and this is what works for them, there is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping it personal and private- and I stick by that. However I am sadden by the things I feel like I am missing out on lately. Friends of mine are taking exercise classes and I really want to join, but I have never been able to do so outside the home since I just get too hot to wear a wig. I have friends who want me to go camping, or some that are taking international trips they want me to join them on but I feel chained by the idea I wouldn’t be able to wear a wig at some point. I hate that something as silly as “can I wear a wig” holds me back from doing things I want to do.
So I suppose my question is- to those of you who have been bald a long time- have you gone through phases of being comfortable and being not so comfortable in public?
Also what are some small steps I can take to get back in public without the possibility of hurting my ego again so fast? I feel like I am going to need to make small baby steps since it has been so long!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Season on
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Hey, my 24 yo boyfriend had a full head of hair up until December last year when all of his hair fell out over the space of a month. He is now AU. Right from the start he refused to use a wig anything, even before I got my head around it. Since he was a social butterfly I was next to him at a lot of his social gatherings and got used the responses he got.
Firstly it generates shock and concern. What is going on? How did this happen? Why did you shave off your eyebrows? Eventually people will get the courage to ask if he is dying. Then inevitably Phil will explain the condition, explain the treatments and answer a few good questions in good humour. This has happened with all of his regular acquaintances and work colleagues. He also gets people coming up to him and explaining they know someone with AU/AT/AA.
For me, there is no doubt that he is less attractive then he was when he had hair. Honestly I also did question whether this was a big issue for me. I found when I did the sums for everything that our relationship comprises, hair is very small part of the equation. He has a very different first impression then the one he once had. He said that he actually notices a lot more with how guys react to him. I am slowly wanting to direct him towards some sort of fake eyebrows as I am sure that lack of eyebrows is a big cause of people for the first time looking at him and thinking he looks a bit funny.
However - with the friends that he catches up with daily --> every few weeks, not to mention myself. After about a week of "wtf" we see, and love him as he always was. He is invited out as much as he was before, and he tells me he literally forgets he has the condition because he doesn't look in the mirror on a frequent basis. His regular friends just put it as a part of his persona. So my biggest piece of advice is with those friends you associated regularly show them - do not worry. Yes they will react. However after the reaction has past they will see you for the same lovely person you always have been.
If you can get to the level where you can joke about it thats probs the best place to be at. We always joke about how whenever he finds hair amongst his things its always my fault.
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Hi Danielle
Wig wearing is just a choice or option on how you can present yourself to the world. It doesn't take away the fact that you have alopecia. I feel they are two different issues that often get very entangled.
Possibly your hairloss has become 'a secret' and that secret has now become more of a burden than your hairloss. I think it might be helpful if you work on how you feel about your hairloss and what you can and can't control with regards to interacting with the world.
I'm so sad that you received a lot of negativity around your alopecia when you didn't want to wear a wig. I hate that for you. The comments made to you were ill informed and totally uncalled for. Shame on those that said them to you. I feel that you already understand that even though the unsupportive comments were directed at you, they actually had nothing to do with who you were and everything to do with who they are. What I'm trying to pass on is that you can't control the world, just how you deal with it.
You have explained that you are currently limiting your life because you are scared to do things that may compromise your current public image. I feel that now you are older you will most certainly be able to weed out those that are ill informed, uneducated and rude, leaving yourself with what you deserve, loving, caring supportive friends and boyfriend.
Don't limit yourself, work out how you can do what you long to do...reach for your dreams, and don't let alopecia stop you.
My daughter also chooses to wear wigs, but she is very open about her condition verbally, she doesn't at this time feel comfortable about showing everyone her head, but for those she loves and trusts she doesn't have a problem not wearing her wig...even in public (when we sometimes run and exercise together she won't bother with her wig). She likes presenting herself with hair (for her it matches how she feels inside - as she never asked not to have hair), but it isn't a secret it is just something she has that she tells people about when it feels right for her.
Really do your best to work through the fears you have being proactive with finding solutions that work for you. Maybe talking about your alopecia may be the beginning of less concerns around it.
If I can ever be of help just pop in and say hi.
Rosy
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