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Hair loss affecting a marriage -- am I the only one?
I'm not sure what I'm hoping for -- advice?? Someone else who knows what I'm going through?
But I'm surprised I have not seen this mentioned anywhere, or maybe I missed it.
My hair loss has really affected our marriage. My husband says he has a hard time finding me attractive anymore, and it's obvious from his actions as well. Obviously this has all kinds of ramifications.
How do other people cope with this??
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Allie on
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I had a similar scenario with my ex boyfriend. He couldn't deal with the hairloss. It bothered him. I always felt like I had to sleep with my wig on and have it on whenever I was around him. He was afraid to tell his friends and didn't know what to do about it in the summertime. So I felt insecure around him because of it. I think that was part of the reason we broke up. I've never been married but I think your husband is being selfish. He may not like it but he vowed for good or bad. I feel he should love you either way. I agree to see a councilor but if he can't accept you you might be better off with someone who can handle the baldness. Good luck
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Permalink Reply by mluevanos on
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I believe it does affect marriage, but to a certain point. You have to be willing to put your feelings on the table and your significant other's feeling as well. Because if you're in it for the long run (marriage), you have to make mends with alopecia because it's in it for the long run too. What I'm trying to say is alopecia will either make your marriage stronger or just reinforce whatever you may feel about your relationship. I really can't help you that much because my alopecia is minor for now. I get a patch at a time, the size of a quarter or two. Bit I really hope everything turns out well.
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I feel your pain. After reading this 5 page thread, I really have nothing to say but give him time to adjust. Marriage isn't all about physical attraction. It is about physical attraction and soooooo much more. Don't you want to look good? I have the vanity gene and before I go out I will shower, wash my hair so that it doesn't smell like rogaine, put my make up on which involes using a stencil to draw on eye brows, and style my hair the best way that it can be styled. I have FFA. I have never had to wear a wig but sometimes I look in the mirror and think, omg, you look like your dad today. Having hair as a woman makes us appear softer and feminine. It also gives us confidence. Your husband may be missing your confidence, your willingness to initiate sex, your energy. Auto immune diseases can make you feel so much fatigue. Think about it, it's like funding the energy for both sides of a war raging inside of your body.
Tell him how you feel. Talk to your doctor if you are feeling depressed or fatigued. Get help. If the marriage is worth saving. Save it. If not, move on. Life is just too short to be miserable all of the time.
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Permalink Reply by leah on
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Hello Jenny, Gary and all, My heart goes out to you! Being told someone doesn't find you attractive anymore hurts and sucks. I've been told before, but am not married. I feel it lack maturity of that person who says and more shows an ugly side of them. Everyone is human, but is cruel to say and hopefully they can see error. Attrativeness really is mote than superfical and they are missing out! Honesty is good, however commitment to work thur in sickness / health a priority. Compassion and work on keeping / bldg. passion, respect part of too. Things always change and you both are beautiful / attractive! Don't let anyone make feel less than, I've struggled w/ confidence w/ alocepia & working on trying show my bald pretty/shiny head!:o) Etc. And think good relationships grow and have challenges! I wish all the best with yours-
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Permalink Reply by Cheri A on
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My heart goes out to you Jenny. My husband and I have had many conversations about this. After I lost most of my hair I kept asking him if he still found me attractive - I was really really worried about this. Ours is a 2nd marriage, with lots of chemistry, so we both valued our attraction to each other enormously. These were his responses:
Are you kidding me, have you noticed that I'm bald?
If I got cancer and lost my hair would you stop finding me attractive?
If I got in a car accident and lost a leg would you stop finding me attractive?
I finally stopped worrying and started believing him. I'm one of the very lucky ones.
We all deserve to be loved and supported and so do you Jenny.
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Permalink Reply by Alanna on
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Hi Jenny and all- I have been feeling this way too, and it is very painful. I think my situation started when I saw a beautiful young lady fling her hair, and my husband started staring at her. This hurt very badly as I felt inadequate and that I didn't have a choice in being bald. We have talked about it, and he tells me he thinks I am pretty still. But I still feel like I'm not right.
After weeks of dwelling on this quietly, I've come to the conclusion that the most important thing we do is talk, touch each other, and create a safe place where we spend time together. So, I think it's awesome that your husband is being honest and talking to you. I would focus on making sure everyone feels safe, and just telling him that your feelings got hurt. Then maybe go wig shopping together and have fun. My husband tells me that he thinks of me with hair sometimes when we are intimate, and that's ok. Try to remember the reasons why you fell in love with each other. And, it's just hair so you can easily go buy some to keep your husband happy. But I think it's great that you have accepted yourself without hair. Hoping this helps and that both of you adapt as getting Alopecia was not a choice for you or him.
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Permalink Reply by Sol on
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Hi
I understand you perfectly but for me at first my husband was supportive and was trying to understand. Well after months of support we came to a point where he had gotten tired of the whole emotional roller coaster. Best thing to do is marriage counseling it will help.
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Absolutely. My non profit helps heal many marriages,and we follow John Gottman's techniques. Gottman's techniques work- focusing on the 5:1 ratio of putting 5 positive things into the other person's life/marriage to make it life lasting really works. Another great tool is to circle te person you love, touch them,and tell them everything you love about them. Let me know if you want me to send you our booklets. They have helped a lot of families. Www.boldlyme.org
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You are not your hair. He either loves "you" or he doesn't. I honestly don't know what else to say except that I wish you the best.
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Permalink Reply by jc1321 on
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Hi Jenny:
I can not give you a sentence on how to solve the situation, but in my opinion we can not force someone to love us at all. Looking at my pass I can tell you that I had give a lot more love, than I had received. Saying that; I do not say that it is right or wrong not to love anymore a person we had chosen as a partner, but you can not blame your husband nor yourself for this new part of your lives.
My best advise to you is to look at him as a good friend who do not know how to deal with your situation, but give him a thank you for been honest, because HONESTY should be the main root in any relationship.
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Whelp,
what i'll do is compare your situation to what happened to me at work. I work with doctors. I'm extremely fit, but i don't flaunt it.
A physician that i work with, had her wealthy husband come in while we were working. Her husband was fit, and VERY attractive. Even though i wore huge scrubs and an oversized lab coat, and no makeup - he noticed.
When his wife came home one evening, he sat her down and said: "i'm no longer attracted to you since you've gained weight. I want the woman that i married back. You either lose the weight, or i'm leaving you."
She told all of us what happened the next day. She began a simple diet/starvation regimen, of one protein bar to eat for the whole day to eat + running for hours every day.
She lost the weight quickly, within about a month, she was down to a size 2/3. She got back her husband, and apparently all is well.
She gained that weight because she delivered his kid a year before (they have a nanny). Okay, she went back to work, and thought he was happy. She cried and fretted, but she made her decision to do whatever it took to "keep that man"..
I don't think love has anything to do with it, when a man basically tells his wife he is no longer attracted to her. The key word is ATTRACTED, as other have posted. His mind is made up. It's about his ego, not love.
If a woman feels she needs to CATER to that ego, okay. But that's her choice.
If my boyfriend of 13 years ever walks up to me and tells me something like that? I wouldn't think twice to tell him to go suck my hamster titties. It's because i have that kind of attitude, that actually keeps him attracted.
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Permalink Reply by youarebeautiful on
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I'm sorry for what you are going through.
Do you find yourself attractive? Focus on what you like about yourself.
Not to be disrespectful, but if he had some handicap, he would expect you to support him.
I have no advice because no one can really give advice about someone else's marriage.
I will say that you may need to slowly, surely, firmly, truly focus on what you like about yourself.
Marriages are under attack (with hair or not). I pray that your husband will change his views. He needs you.
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