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How to accept being ugly
This is going to sound majorly harsh, but hear me out.
I feel like the "bald is beautiful" is a lie we tell ourselves and others just to feel better. I don't think bald is beautiful. I think some can be beautiful IN SPITE of being bald, but it will always detract from their appearance. I don't want to pamper myself and say that if I take a bubble bath and get new clothes and work on the rest of my appearance and "do things to make myself feel pretty" I'll feel attractive, because guess what, I'm not, and I won't try to fool myself into thinking I am. I'm sorry, I realize how insulting to everyone this sounds, but looks DO weigh more than personality in the world. Unfair and sucky, but it's true and we all know it. Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves. I can't look a certain way and I can't fool myself into feeling a certain way and so normally I focus on other things, but I'm still never really ok. I go through life knowing that disgust is power, and so no one will mess with me because in a way, walking around with a half smooth half shaved head makes me look tough. But still, I know I am still not ok with my ugliness.
There must be a way to peace without lying to myself. Question is, how can I come to terms and accept that I am ugly? Any thoughts?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by pippinsgirl on
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Thank you! I guess my post was just inflammatory enough to get people talking. And while some people made me feel like shit, I look around at the vast majority of understanding people and wonder why they don't support everyone else too, because there are a lot of really smart, caring people here.
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Hi pippinsg - you are fantastic with what you started and I will never stop saying thank you to you. It's funny but alopecia is such an embarrassing thing that I never knew anyone else with it until 20 years ago (remember I have had this thing for 53 years) - I truly thought I was the only person in the WHOLE world with this condition. Not so, eh. We might never be royalty or even aristocracy but we are part of the elite!
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Permalink Reply by Denicha on
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You could simply say 'I am'. Not really a positive affirmation, and there is no judgement involved, but simply stating a fact. I am.
Don't compare and judge yourself just as you wouldn't want to be judged, and don't judge others. You'll stop caring what other people think about you, eventually. It's really only your negative thoughts about yourself that harm you. I found that the disfiguring scars I sport and cicatricial alopecia have not defined me, but liberated me.
Save your time and energy for the next big fish you have to fry.
Aging.
Start living each day in preparation for getting through it as healthfully and as painlessly as possible. Honour your body. Marvel at your strength and capabilities. There is much beauty to appreciate.
Accepting my condition seems easy in comparison to accepting other illnesses or the end of my life.
So for now, as long as I'm here, I AM.
Say it!
I AM.
Feel the power. Beautiful, right?
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I totally agree with you! It's so hard to keep moving forward everyday! I just want my hair
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Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on
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I'm off to the NAAF Conference on Wednesday, I hope to see some of you there.
It's a special time to realize that you aren't alone in this thing called Alopecia!
A time to gain strength and love!
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Permalink Reply by ketaki on
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yessss rite u r.
but whatever situation is with us, what we can do?? feel worse/bad/ugly n left our living??
we all have only 1 life. n god give us aelopecia, so what we do??
feel ugly n waste whole life?? this is not fair dear. we ourself make place for us in this world.
we have to live for us not for others. u r not ugly in yr parents eye. u also got some1 who loves u lot too.
keep faith in yrself. saying Bald is Beautiful is u think Lie, but if i feel good saying this, so why not??
In short accept yourself, whatever u r. if u accept yourself, whole world accept u. if u don't, world also not.
change yr mindset n transfer the feeling of ugliness in feeling of loveliness dear. God Bless U......<3
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Ughhhh, pippinsgirl I feel your pain. I do think that some women can pull off the bald look, but I'm certainly not one of them. I feel ugly all the time. Just writing this post makes me cry. I was diagnosed with AU five years ago at the age of 26. I lost my hair, my brows, my eyelashes, everything in a matter of weeks. I still mourn the loss of my hair although I dont think about it as much anymore. But I still feel ugly. And I'm damn sure entitled to feel that way. I hate looking in the mirror. I have put it in perspective - I didn't lose my eyesight or my hearing or my legs, or anything like that - but it's still hard. I've never been seen in public without my wig and I doubt I ever will. I sweat uncontrollably in the Georgia heat. I might as well be wearing a winter hat on my head. My once-thriving social life is gone. I haven't been asked out by a guy in five years. I worry that I'll never get married. It's easy for other people to lecture us on loving ourselves but everyone's experience is unique and everyone is entitled to their own feelings. I hope I can find the strength that a lot of these posters have found but I know it will be quite a while before that happens. Wigs make me feel better, but can we talk about how expensive it is to maintain this facade and attempts to restore our looks?! Maybe if I had an unlimited amount of money and I could afford a truly realistic human hair wig, high quality makeup, and someone to do my lashes everyday I'd feel better about myself. But I'm a single gal just making ends meet and that's just not realistic. I like my wig style but the lack of lashes and tattooed eyebrows give me away. The worst is when strangers tell me they "like my wig." Is that supposed to be a compliment?! You basically just called me out for being bald!! I haven't embraced or been very forthcoming about my hair loss. It's obviously my biggest insecurity. I constantly live in fear that people will think I'm wearing a wig. And when those fears are realized, it just plain sucks. Alopecia, I hate you!!!
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I was diagnosed with alopecia areata since I was 6 years old (I am now 21). My whole life I struggled with not only the fact that I felt ugly, but didn't feel like a real girl. I mean, think about it; it's the main identifier of a female. Just like most of you, I was also made fun of; people looked at me like I was a leper. I did the steroid shots, the burning of the scalp to stimulate it, hats, wigs, and scarves. I've grown up watching my girl friends complain about their hair; how it's boring or they don't like it, with them doing french braids and cute little things that I never got to do. I get close to people, especially the opposite sex; and I'm fearful, even still, to think about how they would really treat me if they new all about me...all about the bald part of me. I forever question peoples motives because I think, "Well maybe if you really saw me for who I was, it'd be different. You don't really love me or like me. Just watch."
With that being said, it's not my opinion that you and any of you who read this, are not ugly. It is a fact that you are not ugly. It is a fact that you are precious and beautiful. Your lack of meeting society's standards does not invalidate any of this. Your lack of meeting people's ideas or attractions does not diminish your worth. I wear wigs, and I still struggle with feeling ashamed, but I will try to walk out directly in public as I am, bald and all. To prove to myself that even if I don't feel like it, it is okay. And there is no shame! The Lord saw fit to allow for this to happen to me, to happen to you,and He works everything out for the good for those who love Him. So I may question why things are they way they are; but I know above every overwhelming thing on this earth, we are not alone, and God is sovereign and good above all. And look at this website we have to share hurts and experiences to bear one another's burdens-and maybe make a difference! Honestly, though, as time goes on, you might get used to it, but it won't be easier as in you'll never feel some struggle with it. But you can know who you are; you can cling to the truth right now; and let yourself hurt, let the tears come out. People have and will and do focus on appearance (we can even do it with ourselves and others); but that doesn't mean we have to. Beauty has everything to do what is good and life-giving; not shallow and cosmetic. At least, not real beauty. Sometimes I do want to and try to live up to the standards of society and the world; but thank the Lord when I'm reminded how futile it is! How detrimental it is!
What I end up doing is being honest when I am asked (mostly from other females) about myself. I do it, again, to remember that their is absolutely nothing to be shamed about from this; two, to be who I am (and this is a part of who I am); three, to not let this define me; and four, to be an encouragement and a testimony and a light to other women because generally, all women with or without hair struggle with their image, their worth, with who they are or with who they are not.
I pray this will serve as a help and an encouragement.
God bless you!
Love,
Rachel
xoxo
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Wow, hit the nail on the (bald) head!! I am also 21 and don't feel "like a real girl." Male or female we are meant to have hair, but being women, it is very hard to ignore that hair is huge in determining not only our presentation of gender but feeling almost like it's criteria. (I say almost because of course it's much more complex than that). not only do I feel like I'm not a whole woman anymore, I feel like I'm not a whole person anymore.
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Hey pippinsgirl.
Please forgive me if my comment at all made you feel like I belittled you and your pain. I struggle with exactly what you mentioned. I don't know what else to say, but it took a lot of courage for you to post how you feel. Please know that I am thinking about you and praying for you and would be happy to listen to you if you need it.
Love,
Rachel
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