How to accept being ugly

This is going to sound majorly harsh, but hear me out.

I feel like the "bald is beautiful" is a lie we tell ourselves and others just to feel better. I don't think bald is beautiful. I think some can be beautiful IN SPITE of being bald, but it will always detract from their appearance. I don't want to pamper myself and say that if I take a bubble bath and get new clothes and work on the rest of my appearance and "do things to make myself feel pretty" I'll feel attractive, because guess what, I'm not, and I won't try to fool myself into thinking I am. I'm sorry, I realize how insulting to everyone this sounds, but looks DO weigh more than personality in the world. Unfair and sucky, but it's true and we all know it. Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves. I can't look a certain way and I can't fool myself into feeling a certain way and so normally I focus on other things, but I'm still never really ok. I go through life knowing that disgust is power, and so no one will mess with me because in a way, walking around with a half smooth half shaved head makes me look tough. But still, I know I am still not ok with my ugliness. 

There must be a way to peace without lying to myself. Question is, how can I come to terms and accept that I am ugly? Any thoughts?

-PG

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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on July 7, 2015 at 2:05am

My husband wrote this a few years ago and I think it is something that we should consider when we are talking about mates.  It can apply to either men or women.

http://www.alopeciaworld.com/group/menwhodontmind/forum/topics/why-...

Permalink Reply by JustAnotherBaldGuy on July 7, 2015 at 5:18am

I'm 27 and still trying to cope with this shit daily. Found my first bald-spot april last year, a couple months after breaking up with a long-time girlfriend and going on an exchange semester. Upon returning home and moving to a new apartment the AA progressed to include about 3/4 of my scalp hair. Beard has also gone to shite. Having vitiligo that started progressing to include my eyebrows around the same time (turning some of my eyebrow hairs white/invisible) doesn't help matters either.

After being accustomed to women approaching me and having great confidence I've now basically stopped going out. Getting this disease right after becoming single has brought me to the lowest point of my life. I've bought myself a gaming PC and PS4 and mostly just pass time on the computer. Finishing up my masters degree this year and not motivated at all to find a job, knowing well I won't be able to sport a new era cap in any job involving economics.

I feel like I have to accept becoming ugly, with my hair turning into a camouflage-like pattern that simply isn't possible to shave closely enough (despite shaving every day), and also my eyebrows becoming weird. Still doesn't feel like the man in the mirror is me. Recently read that Xeljanz put vitiligo into remission, as well as being the best bet for AA, so all I want in this world right now is several cases of the stuff. Living in Norway and having to pay out of pocket are the two obstacles I'm facing. I plan to save enough money to travel abroad and find a doctor that will prescribe the pills for me and then I'll smuggle them back home.

In the meantime though I'm left wearing caps or a beanie for all occasions where I'm seen publicly. I dye my eyebrows to try and make my face look as normal as possible. No offense to anyone with AU or AA out there, but at this point I would definitely prefer going AU (AT would obviously be the best out of the 3, but considering it's already in my beard that's not likely to happen). If I could go completely bald I'd start lifting iron and rock that style confidently, but the camouflage/world map hairdo just sucks, and I hate it. Definitely feel OP's post, and the optimistic "bald is beautiful" camp has to respect other views as well. Oh, and I'm an atheist, so I don't have any delusions of God or Allah having some sort of hidden meaning behind all of this, it's just another imperfection from nature's side that I would love to be without.

Sorry for such a long first post, tl;dr: AA sucks, vitiligo sucks, I want Xeljanz

Permalink Reply by Denicha on July 7, 2015 at 11:01am
I hear you. It sucks to have this disfiguring disease. All we can do is try to be the best we can be, on our own terms. Keep striving for the top of your game.
Permalink Reply by Andrey on July 7, 2015 at 1:44pm

But women don't care about a mans looks hahahahaha

Permalink Reply by Dehliaa on July 8, 2015 at 9:22pm
Actually when I was younger I may have. Life is short, today it's the personality and his eyes. Looks are only part of the package. I am not getting together based on looks, that could be considered superficial. Now eyes that smile, or reflect his heart...gets a woman everytime. Dench made an excellent point..."All we can do is to be the best we can ne,on 'our own terms.' Keep striving for the top of your game." I hope we are all doing that.
Permalink Reply by Xeljanzmiracle on December 20, 2015 at 9:00am
Hi, just Another Bald Guy. First of all you sound like a wonderful young man, who is very intelligent as well, to be getting your MBA. Have you been able to get your Xeljanz yet? Have you been following the posts on Alopecia Destroyed My Life's discussion on Xeljanz? Some of them have flown to Turkey where it is MUCH CHEAPER, and you can get it at any pharmacy there over the counter, without a prescription. Let me know how you are doing. I started Xeljanz last July and have about 80 percent regrowth on my scalp, and my lashes and eyebrows back, although it is not all visible on camera yet. You can read my background with getting and starting Xeljanz on my discussion called "From Totally Bald to Regrowth in One Month!". Take care
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Permalink Reply by Dehliaa on July 7, 2015 at 1:17pm
Hi, well thanks for sharing. Definately have been where you are with that camouflage/world map look.I have it on my scalp and my hair never grew back.Had it on my face and arms but over the years since age 9, it's fade, worked itself out, healed so to speak. It is what it is, and I've moved on. For me starting with it at age 9 allowed me to deal with it over time and so being different is both challenging and hard. For me it's different than being born into one race other than White. Or being different based on religion,culture, race, or color. I can speak three other languid than English, but that because I grew up traveling in with military in my background. Today no one can accept anyone being different. It's so odd. No one where I live is all of one thing but a mixture of something else but having a disease or ailment unknown to the medical field when I was 9 made me feel like I just didn't belong. So many people said or I heard them say, they can or could understand but we all know they didnt. So sure man, I can understand. As a child I had my whole life in front of me; the world at my feet, but being different with Lupus kept me isolated and in the hospital. Today it helped me become who I am today with a handful of people I consider my deepest and closest allies and friends. I am not sure what it is today, but it mimics lasting effects on one type of Lupus that effects the skin and Alopecia. In the late 60s early 70's, science wasn't sure what Lupus was. No one had it or there wasn't enough research done on it. The easy explanation...she could, might or will die is what my parents and I heard. Unfortunately for them, I never gave up, and based on my current heritage, American Indian, Chinese, and African American, I used what my great, great grandmother, great grandmother, grandmother, mom, and family traits to live a better life. Difference for me is nothing like not being the right race, color, religion,or nationality to fit in. It's using and surviving based on what you know. My son, is living differently not because he has the same traits but because his father is European and white. Similar issues, but thir affects different. I survived based on letting go and letting God. Man is just a symbol that supposedly knows what is possible, what to do, but for me no one could help then. Today, it is what it is, I don't have to be Christian or Atheist to understand that. For me I have been where so many are but have lived doing what works for me and my unique situation. Life has been a slower journey with these changes, but I met two really good men who helped me through years of pain of being different. Now more quite, live to let live because everyone in this world is different somehow. I socialize when I need to, I work when I need to, and get out when I need to.Quite frankly I enjoy me, myself and I, more than the superficial in the world. It's hard, challenging and takes a lot of energy and time however, we do what we need to do to survive. Sorry to hear about your breakup at 27, bit it's a lesson learned. Things change; and forever... isn't promised. I agree AA is challenging, not always something one wants to deal with. place to
But in the skeem of things...and sounds like we all have consciously or subconsciously survived.

JustAnotherSexyBaldGuy, your life is yours, so live it well. Just wearing a cap or hat each day, wow, that sounds pretty easy. I have to wear a ton of sun screen, avoid the sun, go out in the early a.m. or late at night to avoid the affects from the sun; wear long sleeves no matter how hot it is outside, and live in slacks to protect my skin. It's on my body in small areas now, not just my scalp, but one lives to adjust. I apologize if I offended speaking of God and my faith, but I have survived years, of pain living with these issues, and no one truly understands unless they have walked the steps each of us have. Best of luck to you.
Permalink Reply by Xeljanzmiracle on December 20, 2015 at 9:11am
Delia,bIg LOVE YOUR SON SPIRITUALITY and outlook on life and I want to be your friend. Valeri
Permalink Reply by Dehliaa on July 7, 2015 at 5:16pm
Well, okay obviously some are not as secure in themselves NOT TO CARE what society thinks or feels.
I don't listen or rather choose not to pay attention to what society thinks. Everyone has an opinion, no matter if it's good, bad. Ugly, hurtful, or uplifting. I know who I am, what "I" can and cannot do. I do not need anyone else to tell me. I am confident in myself to continue achieving what I need to get me where I need to be. A slower process. but progress just the same. At some point in life one has to make a choice and/or a decision. I like that I continue to try no matter if I succeed or not. It's how I was raised, cannot speak for anyone else, but to accomplish anyone one has to first try, and try again until they do. Who's fooling? Each and everything done first might be difficult, challenging, and/or hard work, but you keep trying don't you?I was raised to work hard to achieve my goals. Nothing is ever given to you, it's all I know.Every job, every relationship, life challege, relationsjip, achieving my Associates, Bachelors, and recently, MBA started as a dream, then a goal, planning, and attempt. What survives is the person you become.Doing the work, not waiting for someone else to hand it or give it to you. Seriously? I never grew up with feelings of entitlement.
Permalink Reply by Dehliaa on July 8, 2015 at 9:25pm
Congratulations! Sounds like you found what you needed to get around what others are figuring out. Blessings to you also. Thank you for sharing your story!
Permalink Reply by Gordon Patzer on July 8, 2015 at 6:02pm

First, I do not disagree with the many people who have submitted wonderful, encouraging, uplifting messages to pippinsgirl's message above.  These encouragements--that is, those that do not explicitly deny reality--are truly wonderful, truthful, and helpful.

Second, at the same time, I extend my greatest compliments to pippinsgirl whose message above, while heart wrenching to read, is right-on-target perfect in expressing the perspective, the reality, of many individuals and I'd say of most people throughout the population in the United States and worldwide.

While I am sure that not all things should be articulated, I am also sure that to deny or to minimize the existence of an unpleasantry (take for example, racism and sexism in the past and lookism past-present-future) does not make it vanish and, in fact, to deny and to minimize such, contributes to continuation and increasing of the unpleasantry. 

However discomforting the reality, it is ultimately helpful to acknowledge reality and, yes, how people judge us and how we in-turn judge ourselves exerts great influence on individuals from, literally, birth to death.

My compliments again to pippisgirl!

Permalink Reply by Ellyn on July 8, 2015 at 8:00pm

It's snowing here today (only snows once every 10 years here) - so I put on my 49 year old hat (I knitted it so I know how old it is) over my wig and went down the shops and felt like a pretty young girl again.  And several strangers spoke to me. Thanks snow!

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