I don't want to tell my boyfriend that I have alopecia

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 months and I just cannot bring myself to tell him that I have alopecia. I really want to keep it to myself and not ever tell him, that is honestly how I feel.

On one hand I feel like I am hiding my true self from him, (but my hair doesn't define who I am)...then on the other hand, I don't want to "disappoint" him or make him feel "duped" by having fallen in love with me. I know he doesn't just love me for my looks, but I know that it has a part in it. He is always complimenting me on my gorgeous black hair...and I feel bad in a way for accepting the compliments.

The truth is that I see a future with him, but I am just absolutely petrified that if I tell him, I will lose him.

I thought about telling him right away when we first started dating, but just kept putting it off because I wanted to enjoy my time with him and not discuss my issues.

I have a very low self esteem without the wig, and I wouldn't want him to ever see me without it. Even though my hair doesn't define me, I do feel somewhat "complete" and more me when I have it. I don't mean to sound vain, but having struggled with alopecia on and off for 15 years or so, and I just can't accept that my hair might not grow back.

I would appreciate some insight or perspective on the idea of telling the person you love that you have alopecia. Is it wrong if I don't ever tell him? I do a pretty good job at hiding it (although there have been 2 occasions where he asked if I drew on my eyebrows - and just him asking me that, mortified me.) Of course, I am always a little afraid of my family or close friends "spilling the beans" to him...they accept me without my hair, so why shouldn't he? Then again, I don't even accept me without my hair.

There have been times where I felt like I wanted to come clean and tell him, but I am so afraid of losing him. He is my first love and has brought me such happiness. I have so many other issues that he has had to deal with, and I almost don't want to burden him with another. I want him to look at me and think I am perfect and beautiful (now I really do sound vain.) I am really struggling with this whole concept of revealing your alopecia to your loved one. I really don't want to do it.

Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Sarah

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lexi on August 12, 2011 at 7:15pm
I just came across a reply to your posting, that I sooo agree with...now, many that I agree with. You need to tell him, you don't necessarily need to show him ...yet. If he leaves you, he isn't a man, and he doesn't love you. Find out now before you invest anymore time in this relationship. Why waste your time on someone who isn't worth YOUR time. If he stays, he may be a keeper. You can show him all in good time, when you feel you can.
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 13, 2011 at 12:28pm
Thanks Lexi. :)
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 13, 2011 at 12:29pm
Thanks Emily Jayne. All is well....for now. :)
Permalink Reply by josh on August 15, 2011 at 9:22pm
As a guy I can tell you that the sooner you tell him the better. believe it or not, we also like to know things about you girls.
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 16, 2011 at 12:38am
Thanks Josh. I ended up telling my boyfriend a couple days ago and everything went well. :)
Permalink Reply by Lucky1000 on September 28, 2011 at 12:45am
Hi, im 12 years old, i may not have the best advice. I have never had a boyfriend and i dont think anyone will want to go out with ''wiggy''. Anyway that is enough of my problems.

I personaly think that if he really loves you (which is true) he will accept you for who you are, you dont need big boobs, be skinny, tanned skin nor have no hair. He should love you for who you are.

I think that he would be a self obsesed judgemenal mean person to not go out with you just because you wear a wig !!! Sorry this is not great advice but you could use it.
Permalink Reply by Sarah on October 6, 2011 at 10:45pm
Thanks Lucky1000. All is well. My boyfriend has been totally supportive and wonderful. I am very lucky. Thank you for your comments and advice. :)
Permalink Reply by Rozi on November 15, 2011 at 3:03pm

Hi Sarah,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I was 17 when I lost my hair for the first time,it all came out within a month and was very traumatic. At the time I had a longterm boyfriend and he was there for me the whole way through it, although he never saw me without a wig. After wearing a wig for a year my hair started to grow back and I plucked up the courage to go get highlights done. Things were looking up and as my relationship ended, I met another guy who I was with for 4 years. He used to be a hairdresser before we met so I was really nervous that he would notice I was wearing a wig. It was a good couple of months before I told him about my Alopecia. Like you, I'm still coming to terms with coping with my condition. After a couple of glasses of wine one night I decided I couldn't carry on hiding my secret. I was a complete wreck in tears and shaking while telling him as I thought he wouldn't fancy me anymore but he was so supportive and said he couldn't even tell. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and it was never an issue, He did say a few time later on that seeing me without my wig would freak him out which added to my insecurity and iv never been able to take it off yet infront of a partner. I really respect everyone on here that are positive and confident about living with Alopecia and hope that someday I will feel at one myself. Hope it all goes well when you tell your partner, I'm sure it will be totally fine x

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