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I found the one
I found the girl I'm going to marry. I went out and met her for just dinner the first time just to meet. The next day which I would call our first date I took her for a whole day to St. Louis. We live up around Springfield so on the way down she told me that she has an auto immune disease and it causes her to lose her hair sometimes. And I said "oh well your hair looks great" and then she says "its not my hair." I was like oh really? I never thought wigs could look so good. She can have any kind of hair she wants and change it at any time. We talked about it off and on throughout the day. At one point I asked, "So you mean that if I called you up on the way home from work and was like, 'Hey, I'm hot for a redhead tonight.' You can just put on a red haired wig?" And she said, "Yup!" with a huge smile. She was thrilled and I was thrilled! How many other guys get to be with a girl who can just change her hair at will? I see her alopecia as a huge plus. I love it. She only has 5% of her hair so she shaves it. She usually wears scarves and hats around her house. We went out a few more times and she wore the wig and then she asked me if she could just wear a scarf to the next date. I said sure! I saw her without her hair and I loved that too. It's been a while and she hasn't worn the wig since she asked me if she if she could not wear it that first time. We haven't really talked about the hair since till a few days ago. A few days ago, I asked her if she had a blonde wig. She gets all defensive telling me that if I accepted her alopecia I wouldn't ask about a wig. I dropped the issue immediately. I do accept her alopecia. I love it. I love her bald head and I love her wig. Now I'll tell you that she told me that it's only been a year since it got so bad she had to shave it. I am wondering if she is having problems herself accepting her alopecia. I'm wondering if she got all defensive about my accepting it because she is projecting her own unacceptance of it on me. (Yeah my dad is a psych professor) i sometimes wonder that maybe she hasn't accepted it or maybe she has but hasn't embraced it. So here are my questions. How can I show her that I do accept her alopecia and embrace it? How can I show her that I see her alopecia as having it's upsides? How can I ask for different wigs or ask her for a scarf or ask her to be bald without putting her on the defensive? How can I get her to embrace her alopecia? I love this girl! I just want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on
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Life's complicated and so is having alopecia.
She's the one to sit in the "Drivers Seat".
I hope it works out for the both of you.
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Permalink Reply by Michelle on
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Wow. Great for you to post this. Yes, I think your probably right on about your assessment of her AA. I have had it since 23. Now 43. In the beginning and even now sometimes I go through phases of unacceptance. She has not had it long. Be patient. I also think that requesting wigs at times from her may make her feel like she is being asked to perform or be a certain way for you to be attracted to her. If this is not the case for you then don't bring it up for a while. Let her get comfortable with the idea of changing it up to spice it up!
Best to you both.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Do not ask anything of her. Just appreciate what SHE chooses. Put a photo of her in her favorite look on your desk at home (not work) so she knows you appreciate what SHE feels is "her." Change it as she changes what SHE likes and accepts, or puts forth, about her head.
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Permalink Reply by GardenJess on
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I just have my own perspective to offer, which is probably different from hers, but I also am still adjusting to alopecia and what it means in terms of a relationship. It has now been well over a year since my hair loss got serious, and several months since I shaved my head for the first time. Because this condition is so unpredictable, I didn't know whether to think of a wig as a short term solution to carry me through until my hair grew back or whether I was actually going to be a bald woman going forward. At first I was thrilled to get a wig. I got my hair back! I looked normal or better than normal! But wigs aren't perfect, and I'm not someone who wears them easily or who feels I ought to have to wear one. I have been married almost 10 years, and I know my husband prefers me with a wig over another head covering or my bare head, but I am still sorting this out for myself and definitely don't want to feel it is up to his approval or disapproval. If it were up to him, I'd be wearing wavy blonde tresses halfway down my back all the time (well, perhaps with a bit of flexibility for household work and childcare). He won't push for that, and, at this point, would be happier if I just wore any wig more often, but, for now, I don't. I put on a wig for dress up or if we are heading out to dinner, but in order to feel accepting of myself, I find I am not comfortable feeling I have to put on a hot, uncomfortable wig. Clearly not everyone feels this way, and I may reach a point where I just want to look my best and get the last laugh at alopecia by being a regular wig wearer, but in the security of my own home, I don't want to feel I have to cover up. In the heat of summer I seem to go bare headed inside, and when it is chilly, I am wearing hats, caps, scarves, anything to keep warm and be comfortable. I would like to welcome my husband's input as an outside view of what looks good on me, but I can't say I am truly ready for that yet. To him, it is simple. Get a wig and the problem is fixed. To me it is much more complicated, involving everything from unattainable ideals of feminine beauty to covering up feeling at times like I have something to be ashamed of. You may be quite right that your girlfriend hasn't completely come to terms with alopecia herself. I don't know myself how long that takes. It sounds like you have reason to take your time in all aspects of this relationship. If her alopecia isn't a deal breaker, then I agree with just leaving it alone. I would be happy if my husband gave me a beautiful scarf or a cute fleece hat, or a gift certificate to a store with head covers, but even a playful wig would be too much like salt in a wound at this point (unless perhaps he got one for himself too? :) ).
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