Alopecia World
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I'm an alien
I have a 7 year old daughter who is used to me with a wig. The other day she pushed me soooo far with some nonsense that I actually pulled my wig off my head and said, "Do you see this?!?! I am sooo stressed out right now that all my hair is GONE NOW!" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "whatever, you look like an Alien!"
By the time my jaw got back up off the floor she was sleeping and my husband reminded me (calmed me down) that I'm "human" and can't say anything stupid in retaliation. "When she gets up we'll talk to her."
So when she got up I asked her why she said what she said and she replied, "because you look weird and you won't get mad at me so I said it."
Wow, my own kid is bullying me....
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by ebecker on
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You have to realize that you used your own hair loss as a tool to manipulate your child into feeling bad for you, you didn't get sympathy which does hurt but you brought it upon yourself. Living without hair is hard, waking up each day bald is hard, the mirror itself can be scarry.
But you cannot use your alopeica as a social tool. That would be like a man in a wheel chair gets to go to the front of the line just because he's in a wheel chair, technically it's not fair that he has a condition but it is up to others to recognize that he could cut in line because they feel bad for his situation but that doesn't mean he's earned or deserves to be in front of the line.
We can hope for love and support from strangers but sometimes we don't even get it from our family and we can't be mad about it. It isn't your daughters fault that you have alopeica, her existance didn't give you a disease - she didn't deserve your outburst.
I hope this didn't come off as "mean" I only meant to be helpful, outside the box perception sometimes is the best.
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also, throw her ipod out the window :) thats what I would have done. maybe not so violently but you have the power to take away just as you do to give.
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Permalink Reply by Miss Erica on
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I don't think you're coming off mean at all! I obviously lost my cool, and my daughter is really not a little monster, she just uses mean comments to get out of doing things (which is so messed up). My daughter would never, ever say those things to anyone but me. I joined Alopecia World to hear other peoples situations, share my experiences and to get advice. No Dr. could tell her what to feel or how we should fix this...I am hoping I can learn that from how my peers dealt with similar events.
PS The ipod was confiscated and after my son fell asleep, she did get in a lot of trouble.
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I had AA for 5 years and AU for one of those years, I'd have dreams a lot like what you just described, I remember going to bed upset with work then having this dream where I did sort of what you did, threw off my wig and yelled at my boss and he just had a smartass comment.
I felt better after it happened in my dream but I've had outbursts with my hubby where no matter what we were fighting about I'd throw in my Alopecia and how stressed I was but unlike my dream, I never felt better after doing it.
It's hard to share an opinion on this. I also remember getting mad at my parents about my siblings but as children we view our parents as mom and dad and not as people. I still think your daughter is wrong and deserves punishment but it is so hard to know how/what she is thinking or why.
I'm also not a parent (yet) so if anything doesn't apply just skip it :)
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Permalink Reply by Alanna on
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From the mouths of my babes - my 10, & 11 year old wanted to share with your daughter these thoughts.
"There is nothing weird, my mom has been bald FOR like EVER. There is nothing wrong with it. It's just natural." Amanda
"It's just as if you had a different eye color. Nobody really cares. Blonde, brown, bald, dirty blonde hair-it's all the same" Tyler
As a mother to 3 young children, I was always afraid of what my future children would think of me. My husband reassured me to not wear my wig, and just be "The Cool Bald Mom". After a lifetime of struggle (about 40 years), I now have embraced it, and all the kids know me as Mrs Powell, the cool bald mom. If you ever want to chat, you can find me at www.boldlyme.com -
I hope that these stories and videos help you see that you are beautiful as you are.
http://youtu.be/BP8cqpj1J7gSending you much love!!
Alanna Powell
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I love it! Thank you!
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Thank you again!! I'm shocked how many directions this post went, and I'm so happy to hear everyone's responses!!
The reason I put human in quotes, was not that I feel like I'm not human or anything bizarre like that, but I was so enraged that I was certainly not acting like myself.
Just to sum this whole experience up:
First, ripping my hair off my head is beyond extreme! Extremely out of control and I can't try to get ANYONE to understand by losing my cool like that.Second, my daughter and I need to get help for her to have some respect for me. She can't always get her way, and when she doesn't she cannot attack my weaknesses.
My daughter is bratty, not a behavior problem at all and definitely not unhappy. She is amazing at school, sports, religion classes, Girl Scouts and when she goes to her friend's houses. Everyone raves how polite she is and responsible....then there's the little girl I know!! She is scared of my baldness, she is afraid, she is embarrassed, humiliated and she thinks I am contagious!
The third thing I realized but I still need opinions on, is that I need a way to make her understand, or should I just keep putting on that wig and pretending like there is nothing going on? Even if she says she is sorry and she knows it is wrong to say mean things-how can I change her from thinking that? If I walked around in front of her friends with my wig off, she would be so humiliated she probably would be scarred for life! But when I'm home and doing the dishes or homework with her and have no wig on, it's fine-I'm mom...I don't know...she has seen me struggle with this for a long time, but it is only more recent that I developed AT, she hasn't been the same since that...but would never admit that to any doctor.
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Permalink Reply by Dena on
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Have you every been to any support group meetings with her? I am wondering how her views might change if she saw other people with Alopecia. When my daughter first started losing her hair at 5, her first reaction was this happens to older people not kids. We went online and looked at pictures of kids with AA. She saw them doing the same things she does and saw them being happy and healthy. This made a big difference for her. We also look at the pictures on AlopeciaWorld and she notices that lack of hair doesn't mean you can't be beautiful. We also look at pictures of women in wigs that you would never suspect were wearing them. We also joke a LOT about it. You mentioned that she acts like it is contagious. Maybe this will help her see that just because one family member has AA doesn't mean the whole family ends up with it. 7 is a hard age for kids. Even under the best situation kids that age can be bratty. You mentioned that you have a blended family, health issues and a new baby who has colic. That sounds pretty stressful to me and I am in my 40's. It sounds like she understands how sensitive you are to this and uses it to hurt you. I know it is hard, but if you acted like it was no big deal, it wouldn't give her something to use to hurt you. And by the way my boys use to complain about having to get bottles and grab diapers too. Now they are teenagers and don't give me any problems at all. That in itself isn't that big of a thing, name calling is. I think the most important thing is to keep your cool and let her know she isn't getting to you. You are in control. Not because you can physically over power her and hurt her, but because you are the parent. You love her unconditionally even when she isn't acting very lovable. And if that means taking an ipod away or limiting priviledges that is your right and responsibility to do. When you lost control you played right into her hand. Having a 18, 16, and 6 year old, I can tell you they will go through stages where you don't like them very much, but it usually passes.
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No, I have not been to any groups, and that is a great idea!! I joined Alopecia World to get more connected to this community because until now I have tried to just blend, now I want to stand up for myself and not hide.
Thank you for you ideas and support!!
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Permalink Reply by Dielle on
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You were both in the wrong in this situation. Although based off of your description of her behavior during the incident she wasn't really fazed by your reaction to her refusal to help with the baby. She is old enough to know better and old enough to know that words can hurt people, and the fact that she went after your alopecia means that she knows your vulnerabilities and intentionally went for the most damage with her comments. I don't believe that you need to spank children to discipline them or to teach them manners. Taking away privileges and possessions is just as effective, especially if bad behavior means that the things the child loves the most are what get taken away temporarily. For my brother it was being sent to his room because he couldn't stand to be away from people, for my sister and I it was getting to play soccer or whatever toys we were the most excited about. Either way, she needs to understand that saying hurtful things is even worse than punching someone in the arm because it can hurt a lot more and it definitely lasts a lot longer. If she is willing to say things like that to her mother, whom she loves and who is an authority figure in her life, she definitely won't have any problem saying hurtful things to other kids who have absolutely no power over her. So you and your husband need to have a really serious sit down with her, otherwise she will become "that kid" that we all remember as making our lives hell in school because she doesn't care about the feelings of others.
I have been going around in public without a wig for over a year now, and I am yet to have a negative reaction. That includes time spent at college, at summer camps for kids as a volunteer, and the general public. Before I decided to go without a wig one of my friends told me something that has really stuck with me. People will respond the way that you show them to. Meaning that if you are confident, have a positive attitude, and can accept yourself for who you are then other people will respond in kind. When I am around kids that are about your daughters age I encourage questions and discussion so that they can learn about it, and the same goes for adults. I think that if you go without your wig in public with your daughter and you carry yourself with confidence that she will treat you with more respect because your demeanor will demand it from those around you. I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder in case someone says something, but I do have a few witty comments at the ready for anyone that feels the need to say something stupid that will make them feel foolish for making a comment in the first place. I also have a little talk in my pocket especially for kids that I hope will make them more accepting of people that are different in the future. So far I haven't needed to use either strategy. In fact, I get comments all the time about how beautiful I am and how much they love my "look". Eventually everyone has something that they are embarrassed about that is a weakness others can exploit, and I can't think of any better lesson for your daughter than you walking out with confidence and showing her that it is okay to be yourself no matter what. It sounds like you have the support of your husband which is great. I had the support of my entire (rather huge) family and that really helped. The way I look at it is that you can't expect other people to accept you if you can't accept yourself. If wearing a wig is how you feel most comfortable or you just like the look of it then that is perfectly all right, but it sounds like you are wearing it because you are afraid of how your daughter will feel about it which isn't a very good reason. Eventually she will get over it and accept it, and it might even open up a great discussion about your alopecia with her. The more you talk about your feelings and your alopecia with her the more she will come to realize why it is important to refrain from using hurtful words just because she feels like it. I don't agree with some of the other comments that letting her know how much her words hurt is a bad thing because you will let her know she has power over you. You can tell her sad it made you and try to get her to relate to how you felt. You can ask her how she would feel if someone said something meant to hurt her feelings, I'm betting the answer would be that she wouldn't like it. You can only learn why it is so important to "treat others the way you want to be treated" if you understand the ramifications of treating someone badly. Growing up my mum used to tell my siblings and I every day before school "if you aren't a part of the solution then you are a part of the problem", meaning that if we saw someone being bullied at school that not participating wasn't enough, we had a responsibility as a fellow human being to step in and help. It made us in to little guardians of the playground and it is a pattern of behavior that has lasted a lifetime. It is never too early to start teaching kids how to empathize with others and to encourage them to treat others well as a rule.
Best wishes,
Dielle
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