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Noticing people noticing
My daughter is 3 and a half years old and she has no hair on her head. It's not a problem for us. She isn't embarrassed, or sad that she has no hair. She only likes to wear hats outside or to dress up. I'm proud that the transition has gone so smoothly. She lost her hair in a matter of months, and now it's just a fact of life.
However, since she's lost the last of her hair, I've noticed people noticing, and acting very different. A Dad at KMart told me "good luck with everything." I was so confused, it took me a couple minutes before I figured out what he meant. He meant with my daughter, because she doesn't have hair. Because everyone assumes she has cancer. Then about a week or two later we were out at lunch and found out that someone anonymously paid for our lunch. Which was great... But I feel guilty and annoyed that we that we are getting this attention. Is there a better way to handle this? Should I just appreciate it?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by PetrinMunoz on
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I would love that a.bateman. I guess I should be grateful that all the attention we've gotten has been positive.
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If u can't see this I will send to u another way.
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I got it. Thanks! I had no idea where to start. I love this idea though.
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Permalink Reply by BaldisBeautiful on
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Hi Petrin,
My daughter had a hard time dealing with people noticing her Alopecia. We had to have an open, ongoing conversation with her about why strangers felt the need to say anything. I used to get mad, upset, frustrated, etc when people would say something to us. I finally realized that I can't stop them, but I can adjust how she views their looks.
With kids, we explained that they were trying to understand something they haven't seen before. Like when she sees a new type of flower and she asks me questions about it. Kids are curious and want to know more about the things they see around them. They aren't trying to hurt her feelings by asking questions, they are just trying to understand why they haven't seen it before.
Adults are a little more tricky. I typically try to intercept adults who ask questions, offer support, say stupid things. Some are willing to accept a correction and learn a little bit about Alopecia, others have it pretty ingrained in their mind that she has cancer and that's that. I leave them alone and just smile, say thank you, and move on pretty quickly. The ones that want to pay, I typically just say thank you and let them... it makes them feel good, and in return I let the kids pick a family and we pay for their meal. There are the people who act like it is the worst thing ever that she doesn't have hair. This is when I pull up my mom jeans and get a little pushy. I interrupt them, stop them in their tracks, and push upon them that she has Alopecia and is perfectly happy just the way she is. Then there are adults who address her directly. Those are the worst. You've got to get in there and shut them up. If you don't, that's when you deal with damage control. "Mommy what was that lady talking about? Am I sick? Am I dying?" Lord, you just want to smack those people.
Honestly we stopped going to large busy public places. The mall on a weekend. State Fair.. No Thank You. We stick to where people know us. It sounds like we are hiding, but it is easier on her, and us. Now that she's 8, she's much more confident and we go more places. The conversation with her has changed over the years, as she has matured.
You'll collect your own set of comments... Is she dying (right in front of her)? Can I donate to your GoFundMe account? Have you tried xyz diet? to High five for Alopecia! The last one is my fave. It came from the manager of our local HT who also has Alopecia. Trust your instincts... Do what makes your daughter feel comfortable. She's the one who matters.
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the title to your post caught my attention... because I am one of those who notices what EVERYONE is looking at. Yes, because I've had no hair since age 3 myself. My parents tell me I was fine with it at that age. I'm delighted to hear your 3 + year old daughter is handling the loss of her hair so well.. so far. Those information cards sound like a good idea in some cases. Other times, just appreciate the kindness.
Looking back (over 50 years), I would have handled my total hair loss much better if my parents had done a few more things. such as: find me other kids who looked like me! go to a NAAF conference if you can. When my parents decided I should start wearing a wig in first grade, ugg. it was so ugly. If your daughter does decide she wants to look like she has hair, get the best hair piece you can afford. I also had horrible teeth. I wish my parents would have fixed that problem. Braces please!! Having no hair was bad enough! So keep your daughter healthy and fit. Help her make really good friends and stay in touch. Stay in the same school. Moving to a new school was so difficult. Encourage and support something she loves and/or is good at. I played the violin. But it could have been swimming or gymnastics. They kept me away from those due to my hair loss. That was a mistake.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Annoyed? Absolutely. Appreciate all acts of kindness, even if done with a false understanding. Motive is good, so just say thank you! Keep talking to your daughter and notice if she ever changes being okay with her baldness. (I still hate that word)
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That was really insightful Rose. Thank you. I'll keep all that in mind.
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