How do we get "there"...
I know most of you have gone through these things before, but I just now am facing them. I've been doing a lot of thinking about grief. Not just the horror of losing a person that is near to your heart, although truely devistating as that is, I'm speaking of the horror of losing something that for most of us has been w us from the earliest stages of life. I try thinking about these things from a rational stand point. However, I feel like I have no rational thought about "it". Aditionally I'm a very rational person. Hair. Dead cells. Fibers. A colection of dead things that for years I have taken for granted. I feel as though the more hair I lose the more emotionally naked I become. Like my hair has been the veil to my heart. I hate myself fore the feelings I have towards me. Loathe. Despise. Resent. Anger. Fear. Insecurity. I feel small. Helpless. Insecure. Intimidated. Embarresed. "Over emotional". Out of control. Shameful. Ashamed. Of me. The second round of this disease started on my head...but didn't stay there long. My eyebrows are getting thin. I got so infuriated! Like couldn't it just leave my eyes alone, let me just have that? Bouts of hysterics. Bouts of illusionary inderference. Denial. Irritation. I feel like it's comming. If not this time...eventually. All of it's gonna go. Leave me. Desert me. I feel betayed at just the thought. Well I already feel betrayed. What will I feel if "it" continues on the path it's on? Terror. Horror. Someone on this site said that some people never reach exceptance. Never. Never. That's a long time. I do not want never. I want to except. I understand I have to deal w these feeling to acomplish exceptence. I just don't know how. Maybe that's denial. Maybe just the simple truth. Not that I truely ever was okay w me, but I was working on it, but I need to get there. I will get there. Now I'm gonna send this before I change my mind.