Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
stages of grief...
How do we get "there"...
I know most of you have gone through these things before, but I just now am facing them. I've been doing a lot of thinking about grief. Not just the horror of losing a person that is near to your heart, although truely devistating as that is, I'm speaking of the horror of losing something that for most of us has been w us from the earliest stages of life. I try thinking about these things from a rational stand point. However, I feel like I have no rational thought about "it". Aditionally I'm a very rational person. Hair. Dead cells. Fibers. A colection of dead things that for years I have taken for granted. I feel as though the more hair I lose the more emotionally naked I become. Like my hair has been the veil to my heart. I hate myself fore the feelings I have towards me. Loathe. Despise. Resent. Anger. Fear. Insecurity. I feel small. Helpless. Insecure. Intimidated. Embarresed. "Over emotional". Out of control. Shameful. Ashamed. Of me. The second round of this disease started on my head...but didn't stay there long. My eyebrows are getting thin. I got so infuriated! Like couldn't it just leave my eyes alone, let me just have that? Bouts of hysterics. Bouts of illusionary inderference. Denial. Irritation. I feel like it's comming. If not this time...eventually. All of it's gonna go. Leave me. Desert me. I feel betayed at just the thought. Well I already feel betrayed. What will I feel if "it" continues on the path it's on? Terror. Horror. Someone on this site said that some people never reach exceptance. Never. Never. That's a long time. I do not want never. I want to except. I understand I have to deal w these feeling to acomplish exceptence. I just don't know how. Maybe that's denial. Maybe just the simple truth. Not that I truely ever was okay w me, but I was working on it, but I need to get there. I will get there. Now I'm gonna send this before I change my mind.
I know most of you have gone through these things before, but I just now am facing them. I've been doing a lot of thinking about grief. Not just the horror of losing a person that is near to your heart, although truely devistating as that is, I'm speaking of the horror of losing something that for most of us has been w us from the earliest stages of life. I try thinking about these things from a rational stand point. However, I feel like I have no rational thought about "it". Aditionally I'm a very rational person. Hair. Dead cells. Fibers. A colection of dead things that for years I have taken for granted. I feel as though the more hair I lose the more emotionally naked I become. Like my hair has been the veil to my heart. I hate myself fore the feelings I have towards me. Loathe. Despise. Resent. Anger. Fear. Insecurity. I feel small. Helpless. Insecure. Intimidated. Embarresed. "Over emotional". Out of control. Shameful. Ashamed. Of me. The second round of this disease started on my head...but didn't stay there long. My eyebrows are getting thin. I got so infuriated! Like couldn't it just leave my eyes alone, let me just have that? Bouts of hysterics. Bouts of illusionary inderference. Denial. Irritation. I feel like it's comming. If not this time...eventually. All of it's gonna go. Leave me. Desert me. I feel betayed at just the thought. Well I already feel betrayed. What will I feel if "it" continues on the path it's on? Terror. Horror. Someone on this site said that some people never reach exceptance. Never. Never. That's a long time. I do not want never. I want to except. I understand I have to deal w these feeling to acomplish exceptence. I just don't know how. Maybe that's denial. Maybe just the simple truth. Not that I truely ever was okay w me, but I was working on it, but I need to get there. I will get there. Now I'm gonna send this before I change my mind.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by lynne on
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hello i have read ur blog and realised i felt exactly the same, and most days i still do, but i lost my hair in april and i have only just started to go days with out cryin now, and i actually have a laugh with my friends at work, it never ever leaves my mind that i have no hair, i hate goin out with my bandana on but could never go out bald, its just not me, i dont have that kind of confidence to do that, i have always worried about wat people think of me especially as i have ginger hair, and people give u stick for that, how long ago did ur hair start to fall out, i to have thinner eyebrows and now use a soft blonde eyebow pencil to help, altho i can still see it, other people dont notice, i do have hair growin on my head so hopin its comin bak for gd, so there is hope around the corner and it does get easier, u may never stop havin those feelins as i still have them all, but ur days do get better, i hope u r doin ok, if u ever need to chat, let me know, im always here to listen, keep ur chin up, take care. speak sn lynne x
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Permalink Reply by Magan on
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Lynne,
Thank you for your response. It's so nice to know I am not alone.
This last time I started losing it was about a month ago. A little over two weeks ago I started having to wear bands...my scarfs just came in the mail...:-D I'm very excited. There is just so much more loss this this time. I appreciate the kind words. My aim sn is purplerosesMT I can not add it from the connection I'm on now...but if you want to chat I would love it. I hope you are having a wonderful day.
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hello, no problem for the message, it always helps to know that there is people out there that understand how u feel, altho u dont see these people just kind words and support helps a little more, how r u feelin 2day anyway, i had a gd day 2day, had to organise a fashion show for my work and it went really well, was so chuffed, as ive proved to my boss that i can do it, so that was a bonus, hope ur gd speak sn x
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Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on
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I wrote a Blog earlier this year. Have a read. I titled it Acceptance. You can find it on my page along with several others you might enjoy.
Hope this helps.
Jeffrey
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Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on
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Hi Magan-
Writing out how you're feeling here is very useful. I found myself doing that in a little lined journal, years before there was alopecia world or anything like this to talk to other people with aa. I never expected to read the journal notes. I never have. I never wished to show it to anyone and I never have. But the act of having a place to put the feelings and letting them out uncensored does make more room in your day and in your life to fill gradually with substitutions for the loss of your old self. There was no schedule or plan to write things down and sometimes a sketch or even a stick figure said it all. What I really liked was that sometimes there would be a sketch depicting a feeling and it opened me to up to the realization that i had even had that feeling.
It's a process and a winding, bumpy and often unpredictable road to acceptance. Give yourself the gift of time and space. Being open to the prospect of change and growth is the first step and the most important one - because the people who fail to recognize the value of growing and changing can't possibly ever get there. They tend to have an "other" and " if only " mentality. "If only' everyone else understood. It's up to "others" to be more sensitive to me.
It really starts and ends with us taking control. Getting in the driver's seat. We may never have wanted to be leaders and for many women with aa the role of leader and educator is an uncomfortable fit. But educate and lead the people we come into contact with we must if they are are know what we're about.
So continue to write here if handy.Keep your eye on the ball. Have a general sense and determination of where you want to wind up, but set no time table. Take full responsibility for your smiles and frowns. Evolve little plans week by week for the little things that can help you feel more whole and most like yourself and before you know it, the kind of life you want to have as a woman with alopecia will come true.
Thea
baldgirlsdolunch.org
Join our Group here on AW for the fastest way to get our medical blog and other accurate updates about AA, not just news for women.
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Permalink Reply by Mary on
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Hi again, Magan. Please check out my photos on my page, and my blogs, and my YouTube videos if you haven't seen them (particularly Living a Bald Life). I sense a lot of similarities in us. I went through all that you describe not long ago. You WILL get there, you WILL get through it. I did, and despite those occasional emotional moments, I'm in control of my life, and I reached a pretty solid acceptance after less than a year. Hang in there.
Mary
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I am un able to send messeges or post blogs on here. I'm on a phone...if you want you can im me on aim--purplerosesMT. I'll be back online on my house computer soon. Sorry bout the hassel. However, I'm in florida. And I'm so terribly jealous you got to swim w manatees! Where did you get to do that? I would be so elated! I gotta go to work now but I'll catch up w you later. Hope you're having a marvelous day.
Magan
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