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Support system FAIL
So heres the story the one person i thought that was my biggest support system told me this weekend while drunk that he couldnt deal with my hair loss anymore and that it was killing him. This is my boyfriend. He said that seeing me depressed was making him depressed and that he didnt want to be with me anymore because he couldnt deal with it anymore and it was bringing him down he constantly said i killed it. what did i kill? The biggest thing that upset me was that he said he couldnt deal with my hairloss. i ran away from him and started crying and collapsed to the floor. he was completely hammered but still, WHY??? i dont know how to handle this. we live together and since that night i havent seen him, i dont know how to deal with this, knowing he was drunk do i forgive him? what do i do? drunk words are sober thoughts are they not? im so heart broken and i hate this f$*king disease. i had beautiful hair and i wasnt depressed. if this wasnt bad enough i got beaten up by some skank on friday night too that ended up ripping out some of my hair. I DIDNT NEED TO LOSE THAT F%^KING HAIR I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Rodeli on
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There's a saying that when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. You know your boyfriend better than any of us. Who is the real him? The sober, caring one? The drunk jerk who needed to put a a filter on his mouth? Even so, I tend to agree with Neil. When I read your post I was under the impression that your boyfriend may be struggling with your depression over the alopecia, not so much the alopecia itself. Men like to "fix" things so when a woman complains or says she needs something, they want to fix it. Your boyfriend can't "fix" your alopecia. He may want to, and it may frustrate him that he can't, and he may not be handling that too well. The more you use him as a sounding board, it may be frustrating him more because he can't help you in the way he wishes. Men sometimes forget that all we women need is a sounding board sometimes. (No offense, guys, ;-) ) I agree with Nancy, that it might be better for you to get some counseling with a therapist who can give you coping tools and just listen with impartiality. Certainly use your friends here to sound off to also--we know how to listen and don't feel the need to fix your alopecia. We will just support you and remind you of all the good things about you and give you advice and suggestions based on our experiences. Trust me when I say that when you have lived with Alopecia for almost your entire life as long as many of us have (almost half a century or more), your coping skills change, your attitudes change, etc. Some of us don't even remember having beautiful hair--I only know mine was because my mom saved some of it for me and I see pictures. I'm sure it is much harder to lose it later in life and for those whose hair comes and goes throughout their life.
If your relationship with your boyfriend is truly important to you and he is spending a lot of time apologizing and seems genuinely remorseful, then maybe have a heart to heart about how he exactly is feeling and how the two of you can deal with this together--if that is what you both want. Don't expect him to remember what he said drunk. Deal with the here and now. If his only issue is that he can't handle your depression and expressions of frustration over having it, than that is much easier to solve once you get help. That's not to say you can't talk to him about it, but just in a different, positive way. Yes there are positives--you just have to see the flip side of the coin. And one of the other posters is right--you dissing yourself and having such a negative feeling about your alopecia, will be a real romance and mood killer. If you felt more positive about your alopecia, he will too. Instead of bringing him down as you put it and "killing it" for him, ask him if he would like to be with a sexy, hot, bald chick and I bet it will put a real smile on his face and his mood will be anything but killed--have a little fun with your alopecia. That sounds really strange at first, but it's empowering to take the proverbial bull by the horns. It's all in your attitude and approach. If on the other hand, a part of you is feeling this relationship is not going in the way or direction you hope, then move on. It's okay. Take some time for yourself to cope with your new life and focus on positive things you want to do with your life. If you focus on positive things, then dealing with the alopecia is not so bad. Remember, we are healthy people--at least most of us. It could be so much worse! Focus on the things that bring you happiness, joy, pleasure and let your alopecia take a backseat to all the good in your life. I've found that to be a great coping tool for myself. Good luck with whatever you decide and keep us posted. We all can relate in one way or another.
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Permalink Reply by Jenn on
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Well before i read any of these comments my boyfriend and i spoke and i talked to him and asked him what he really wanted from me, and he whole heartidly answered "you" he said he wanted to quit drinking for himself. not for me. but to better his health, i asked him what if i went completely bald and he said that wouldnt change the way he felt about me and that he would just love me even more and that we would deal with that when the time came. so i think he is going to be with me for the long haul. he is still very sorry for the weekend and is going to get rid of the garbage from his life. i understand alcoholisim is a disease and he is going to need support and i will be there to help him. i love him and he loves me. this is a difficult situation. i can see that he is trying to improve the situatuation. the weekend did hurt me quite a bit but he is making up for it and we are becoming closer he has never made me feel bad about losing hair except for that one time, he always tells me im beautiful and tries to find ways to cheer me up. i think it was just one of the girls that was at my house saying things to him because she knew about my alopecia. i dont know. it could have been a number of things but that weekend he was not himself. i shouldnt be trying to defend him regarding that weekend because he did hurt me alot. Over this past week he has been making up for it though. and its been amazing. he hasnt drank a drop since sunday and i am so proud of him. my dermatologist appointment is coming up and i am getting excited as well. because then i might be able to finally shave my head :D
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I'm glad you both had a heart to heart and have a better understanding of where you hearts and heads are. You are right about alcoholism--it's very tough to deal with and your boyfriend has a tough challenge ahead of him. I had a relative and an ex-boyfriend who battled alcoholism. I highly recommend you join Al-Anon in your area so you can learn to be a better support for your boyfriend. I went when I was dating a recovering alcoholic and it was very helpful. I hope your boyfriend gets help from AA--fighting alcoholism alone seldom works and it is helpful to have the help of others who know exactly what he is going through. I wish you both the best. Good luck at your dr. appointment coming up. Maybe if you shave your head you can have your boyfriend to it for you. Might be a nice bonding experience. Take care.
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I was thinking about going to an al-anon meeting years ago when i was finding it hard when living with my father(hes an alcoholic as well) and i found other ways of dealing with it and trying to be positive and not naggy towards him(my father) so far my boyfriend has been doing well on day 6 now!!! :D hes a little cranky but ive been keeping him busy doing tasks and we've been going out and doing things together fun things so its been working. its exciting actually bonding and in enjoying it, sometimes he asks for a beer and i say a root beer? sure why not lets both go get one, and he thinks im losing it but i dont know what else to do, just trying to stay positive and keeping his mind busy and off drinking. its working so far. as for the head shave for sure, if i do go that route ill see if he wants to do it, i think he will. im not going to go completely skin bald. just short. :) thanks alot i feel alot better now we had a super awesome day together today. and its turned into a great evening im in such a great mood. :D
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Be careful. I had a family member drink, then do drugs and steal from me, break down doors, etc. This is a LIFETIME disease.
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it can be but people do recover.
i used to drink alot before too.
i drank all day everyday for a couple years and i just got over it one day.
just woke up and realized thats not who i am.
i now drink occasionally.
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Permalink Reply by Chris L on
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Dear Jenn
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, I hope its not consuming you too much!! I went through exactly the same but we ended up splitting up (well I was dumped). We had just bought our first home together so thought our foundations were concrete.
With every cloud there is a silver lining - 10 months later I met someone new who loves me for who I am, helps me through my bad days and we now have a new home together. I'm now in a place where I hardly think about being hair-free, am getting back on my feet, finding work and looking forward to a great future!
I wish you all the best and hope you can gather together your inner strength to kick the depression and find a great new future you deserve!!
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I'm so sorry to hear about that, but so happy to hear that you recovered and found someone special. I'm beginning to feel a little better now that my boyfriend hasnt been drinking this past week hes decided to kick the drinking for himself not for me but for him, and that makes me happy, because if it was for me i know it wouldnt last. our relationship is so much better now and i feel happy when hes home. our house is happier. We can communicate much better and i like it.
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Permalink Reply by Joshua on
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Jenn,
My opinion is that give him another chance if he is truly apologetic for his words. Guys including myself do say stupid stuffs sometimes. The fact that he felt depressed because you are depressed says something how he truly feel about you.
If there is any abusive intent or insult from him towards your alopecia like your baldness which makes him shameful of you, and when he is no longer proud of you because of your alopecia, and not bothered to hear about your alopecia story...etc. Then, I think the relationship is not worth it...
Try not too worry so much...and take a day at a time...if there is tension in the relationship...just try to have a cool off period and see how things go on again after that...
Take care and God bless.
Joshua
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Exactly thats what i am doing. He is being sincere, and has decided to quit drinking for himself. Not for me but for him. Hes happier lately, well sort of, hes going through withdrawls, but he seems upbeat. I'm being supportive and encouraging and keeping his mind off drinking. He can't remember the weekend but i cant blame him he drank ALOT and he regrets not listening to me, but it happens. We talked about if i went bald and he said he would still think im beautiful with hair or no hair and love me just that much more which made me smile. he even kissed one of my bald spots one day which made me freak out a little and i didnt like it but that shows me something that it doesnt bother him.(this was pre crappy weekend) hes the one that wants to see how they are progressing and what not, he is a really great guy. he just bad a bad streak. Time will tell i guess. one day at a time. I'll just keep my mood up and we'll be happy together.
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A quote that has helped me is "I'm selfish, impatient and a little (a lot) insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe - and boy does alopecia challenge that one as it affects so much about us and those around us.
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