Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ms. Erin on April 28, 2009 at 10:05pm

Hi Twila....I can relate to this also. I am very private about my alopecia. This is not something that I talk about with boyfriends at all. I feel that I don't have to because it's my issue and they don't have to deal with it like I do. The men that I have dealt with who have found out at some point in the relationship that I have alopecia have all been very supportive. I think it's more me having the problem than them. Anyone that decides that someone is not for them because of this is so not worth it. I think I have the fear of meeting that person. There has always been such an emphasis put on hair in society, especially as African American women. I have always had a complex thinking that someone knows that I am wearing a wig. Considering that so many people wear weaves and wigs you would think it wouldn't be an issue for me but it is. I wish I was strong enough to go out in public without my hair or to change up my hair more frequently but I haven't got that far yet. However, I do think that you will find that life partner you are looking for. You'd be suprised at how accepting people can be. I know I was.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on April 29, 2009 at 6:40pm

Hi

This is a difficult condition to come to terms with both personally and with those around you. You have a perfect right to keep this private if that's what works for you and your happy with how your life is going doing that. Alopecia does make things a little more difficult until you work your way through it.

I don't have alopecia my daughter does. I don't know if my opinion is going to help at all, but I think this is a wider issue than hair. How you feel about yourself and present yourself should be two different things. The first is split into two ,self worth and self esteem which to me are very different. I feel the self esteem is what often comes from setting goals for yourself and then achieveing them - the outside world often applauds you for your efforts. Self worth is what you give yourself. What you know is true about yourself. Both of these things must be healthy to work within lifes many challenging boundaries. What you are able to give others (I feel) directly correlates with what you are able to give yourself. If you know you are ok, that you are worthy of love (giving and getting) life pretty much does the rest.

How you present yourself is just fun. Nothing really to do with who you are but just what you portray on the outside to the world. It definately has a mighty effect on people but the choice on what you do when you present yourself to the world is yours. I think what happens with alopecia sometimes is what is being portrayed to the world doesn't match with the feelings inside and this takes time to work through, choices need to be made to match the two things up. When people first get this condition the lack of control is the worst. (If you knew what was going to happen it would be a little easier to come up with answers for yourself - so first you have to realise there is no controlling AA, it does what it wants when it wants) the only thing you can control is how you deal with it.

Working on yourself is the biggest gift you can give yourself. Being the best person you can be will be one of the most attractive things you can share with someone else.

I don't believe either of you beautiful ladies will not be able to meet someone who cares for all you are.

Rosy

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Garden Girl on May 14, 2009 at 9:19am

Hang in there! Grieve the loss of your hair..it hurts so much...but think about this. Just because you have pain doesn't mean you have to suffer! I believe there are people out there who love us as we are. Sometimes it's hard to welcome them into our lives when we are crouched over in pain.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by mary on June 18, 2009 at 12:12pm

Absolutely! I had high self confidence before my hair fell out. Now I have none. Im always paranoid that everyone can tell I'm wearing a wig. I can't even look people in the eye when they are speaking to me. I hate being like this because deep down I know I have so much to give. Im 35 and single and I have not went on a date in over 2 years b/c of my AA. I'm scared to death to put myself out there just to be rejected. I have even had hair grow out enough to put in a litl ponytail, and I still feel like a freak. More than anything, I wish I could go back 3 years and be my old self, but its not possible. I try to remind myself that so many people are far worse off than me but sometimes I still feel like I want to give up and even think that I cant take it anymore. I just want to disappear. I take lexapro for depression, but I dont think its helping. For a long time now I have thought about seeing a therapist, but I'm doubtful they could help. Unless they have a magic potion to make my hair grow back! lol Has anyone seen a therapist and did it help???

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Nikki Mans on June 18, 2009 at 12:28pm

ever since my hair fell out i have been struggling to fit in also. but i never worry about finding a husband cause im only 13 but all i have to say is the right guy for you will be the one who loves you for everything about you bald head and all !!!!! so hang in there (:

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Joshua on June 18, 2009 at 1:00pm

Many people are out there being single for a life-time, for thousands of reasons and circumstances. Could alopecia be part of it? I dont think so. Some want to be single intentionally, some are single for the choices they made or choices that they didnt make. So start making wise choices/decisions...

Just be yourself, be merry, be honest, good sense of humour...thats all the quality that an alopecian has...

Even if some of us are meant to be without a life-partner...thats when we realize the importance of friendship even more...!

As for kids, personally I rather become an uncle than a father. The reason, my dream is to always be an all-time favourite uncle to my nephews and nieces, unlikely that I'll be changing toddler's diapers and managing their tantrums, no teenagers going to rebel against me, because I just want to be their favourite uncle, probably only their parents will hate me...lol.

As for struggling the similar thought? Not really at the moment or in the near future, but I couldnt predict 10 years from now. Well time changes people...dramatically sometimes...whatever life takes me, I'll always remember that my heart is not alone...because of the wonderful friends God has blessed me with...

All the best!

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Twila J on June 30, 2009 at 10:54pm

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I had surgery recently and haven't been on-line much at all. Still not 100% but I'm getting better! It helps to hear how other folks are managing.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Sam Sam on August 16, 2009 at 8:42am

yesss!! i thank God that i found this site.. having AA/AT seems so lonely. i know none who has it or maybe hides it. but dating is an issue, because at the of it all it seems to boil down to hair ... but i have not given up onlove/dating... i had two guys who i was able to tell... one i even walked around in a scarf with at home... and they both asked me too marry them... but did not for other reasons so ... stick in there you will find some who likes you for you!!

• ▶ Reply