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Trying to understand my Mom
I'm not sure where to post this and I don't mean to come across as a whiner but I'm just trying to make some sense out of my Mom's decisions as a single parent.
I haven't seen my Mom in a couple years and seeing her today brought back some painful feelings.
Today, my Mom met my 15 month old Daughter for the first time (her own choice and I don't know why it took her so long). After being a Father and responsible for a child of my own as well as a Stepdad to a 16 year old young lady I just can't believe how selfish alot of her choices were.
My Mom is a nice person but she has a problem with not being truthful to people around her about her background and who she is.
Once I got older I saw a pattern where she would lie about her background and over time 'friends' and co-workers would catch on to her lies. As soon as she knew the 'jig was up' and she couldn't keep up the false image we'd pick up and move.
Moving is of course hard on any kid. Each time I would even begin to adjust to a new environment and friends we would move. AU made me insecure enough as a 14 year old kid and when we moved they were big moves far away from my family.
Another problem she has is that she's a bit of a hypocondriac. There's always some drama with her or some debilitating sickness. It makes it hard to talk to her most of the time because it can be depressing and always about her and it's always me that has to bring up how my daughters are doing.
The lying and hypocondria were bad enough that she would take me to enough doctors until she would find a quack that would try all kinds of 'treatments' on me to cure the myriad of ailments that I was 'diagnosed' with. This in itself has caused me real health problems now that I'm older and is a whole 'nother story in itself.
There are some good things that I have taken to heart;
1. I don't drink after seeing how it's affected both of my parents.
2. I try to be as honest as I can be with other people as well as the endless battle to be honest with myself.
3. I've worked hard to maintain a house in the same area for my Daughters so they can have the stability I didn't have.
4. I appreciate good health!
Anyways, just venting at 1:30 in the morning. Sorry to ramble and thanks for reading.
I haven't seen my Mom in a couple years and seeing her today brought back some painful feelings.
Today, my Mom met my 15 month old Daughter for the first time (her own choice and I don't know why it took her so long). After being a Father and responsible for a child of my own as well as a Stepdad to a 16 year old young lady I just can't believe how selfish alot of her choices were.
My Mom is a nice person but she has a problem with not being truthful to people around her about her background and who she is.
Once I got older I saw a pattern where she would lie about her background and over time 'friends' and co-workers would catch on to her lies. As soon as she knew the 'jig was up' and she couldn't keep up the false image we'd pick up and move.
Moving is of course hard on any kid. Each time I would even begin to adjust to a new environment and friends we would move. AU made me insecure enough as a 14 year old kid and when we moved they were big moves far away from my family.
Another problem she has is that she's a bit of a hypocondriac. There's always some drama with her or some debilitating sickness. It makes it hard to talk to her most of the time because it can be depressing and always about her and it's always me that has to bring up how my daughters are doing.
The lying and hypocondria were bad enough that she would take me to enough doctors until she would find a quack that would try all kinds of 'treatments' on me to cure the myriad of ailments that I was 'diagnosed' with. This in itself has caused me real health problems now that I'm older and is a whole 'nother story in itself.
There are some good things that I have taken to heart;
1. I don't drink after seeing how it's affected both of my parents.
2. I try to be as honest as I can be with other people as well as the endless battle to be honest with myself.
3. I've worked hard to maintain a house in the same area for my Daughters so they can have the stability I didn't have.
4. I appreciate good health!
Anyways, just venting at 1:30 in the morning. Sorry to ramble and thanks for reading.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on
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Hi
Reading you post makes me feel like you are a good person. We can't pick our parents and sometimes (sadly) we have to just survive them. Sometimes becoming who we are in spite of them. As adults we can learn from their mistakes and move on. What I love about your story is that you have moved on in such a positive way. You have seen where fault lays without taking it on as your stuff. It was theirs and not something you could control until you were older and had more autonomy. Now you are making sure that your children are nurtured in a way in which they don't have to deal with the rough stuff you had to cope with.
I sometimes think that illness (mental) such as hypochondria is thought to be harmless. It's not - I would suggest your mum needs help (not necessarily from you) to sort her stuff and be accountable for what she has done to herself and her family. Sometimes people can move on, but sometimes people stay stuck in the same old patterns doing the same old things, having the same old results. But you on the other hand have moved out of the patterns that weren't healthy to a place that is. Good on you.
Rosy.
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Permalink Reply by Happy Daddy on
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Thank you very much! I feel better having posted that.
I love my Mom very much. No one is perfect and I have made my own mistakes.
I was surprised how some old feelings I thought I had dealt with had crept to the surface after seeing her again.
Being bitter and resentful only hurts myself and those around me. It's pretty hard to stay bitter when I see my beautiful baby girl everyday and my Wife and kids remind me how important it is to focus on improving myself for our family.
Thanks again!
Tony
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Permalink Reply by Dana Kozlowski on
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Reading your story really made me think about my boyfriends family. His mother is very much the same way and some of the siblings seem to have followed that pattern with drama and being hypochondriacs. Over the weekend my boyfriends stepdad(well technically they weren't married) passed away and the family was out of control with drama and pointing fingers. I chose not to travel to Ohio for the service due to several issues, but one was the stress of people and my alopecia. I noticed other health issues seem to stir up when under stress as well. I am glad I made the choice to stay home because it turned into a big drama scene.
You are truly one of a kind in letting go of the bitterness and developing a positive outlook. Love your story and thanks for sharing!
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Permalink Reply by Michelle L on
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I admire you for making your past a chance to grow, as opposed to using it as an excuse to perpetuate the same issues. You sound like such a devoted dad and husband, so you don't need me to tell you to put your focus on your wife and kids and not on your mom. I'm not saying that you should cut her out - not at all! - just saying that on your priority list, she has to wait in line.
It sounds like your mother suffers (or at least suffered) with Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome - very harmful to kids of sufferers as you contest! I hope she can get help but it isn't your responsibility to 'fix' her.
I am glad you forgive and love your mother - what a lesson for your kids! But mostly I am so proud that you haven't let her problems become yours. You are strong and compassionate and your family are truly blessed to have you.
My mother always said this one thing that really stuck with me through life. She said that if we carry a grudge, it's like we're choosing to lug around a stinking bag of manure. It doesn't hurt the person we are angry with - they're not carrying it - it affects us! If you carry a grudge, all that happens is that your own life starts to stink! So in short, I guess I am saying I am so thrilled you have decided against carrying around a stinking bag of poo!
xoxo
Love and light!
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Michelle, I love your last paragraph. I know so many people who seem to carry that grudge and make their lives miserable. I say either rid yourself of those who make your life miserable or fix the problems.
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This made me think about my father and our relationship. My parents divorced over 12 years ago and to this day my dad still dwells on it. He is remarried, but holds those hard feelings. I went years with being disowned from his family due to my close relationship with my mother. I tried so hard to fix it even though growing up my dad was not a big part of my life. He was the father who worked and yelled. He didn't parcipate in my life nor my brothers. My grandmother passed away a few years back and that was the first time in over 5 years I even seen my dad and his family. It is a very upsetting time to talk about and I finally gave up on the whole family. My best friends family filled that void of missing my dads family. I was extremely close to my grandma and my aunts and uncles. It even was to the point where my aunt uninvited me to a holiday gathering because my dad, my uncle and aunt would not go. That was very hurtful and thinking about the years of dealing with this makes me want to cry today. I realize some people are just the way they are and we cannot change that, all we can do it try and make things better and healthy for us. I did see my dad a few months ago and gave him my new number. I live about 5 minutes away from him now. I have not heard from him as of yet, so we will see if he call on my birthday this Saturday.
Thanks for the stories it really does help healing those old wounds and become stronger.
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Permalink Reply by Joshua on
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Happy Daddy,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I have briefly read through all the replies and find that I couldnt agree more with all of you. From what I see, you love your mom dearly and wish that she could change some of her detrimental behavior/ attitude. You dont feel like giving up hope for her to realize one day, and yet time over time she dissappointed you. The constant shattering of hope on our loved ones cost us dearly especially the ache in our emotion and heart.
There's nothing much we can do sometimes except through prayers and hope. I have people like that in my family too, very heart-aching...but then I'm thankful the alopecia has lead to meet a beautiful bunch of people whom I'm proud to say as my dearest friends and second family. For all these, life is still beautiful to me eventhough it is not perfect. :)
Thank you for sharing. never doubt for a moment that you shouldnt vent your frustration here.
Joshua
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Exactly Joshua!
Thanks to all for the kind words and advice. It's much appreciated and clear to me that you all understand even though I'm not very eloquent.
It was surprising to me that after revisiting these old feelings how much I'd left unresolved but I have the support to come out a stronger person for my family.
I gotta say in this day and age of meeting people on the internet you all are really special people and I thank you!
Thank you!
Tony
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I know this is an old thread but I had to shake my head and see the humor in the last call I got from my Mother.
I decided to give her a call and after telling me about her myriad of ailments (and not asking once about how my family is doing), she said she was too broke for internet or phone so she cancelled them both and will only be able to take incoming calls after 8pm.
She then called me a few weeks later when the tsunami hit Japan to tell me that they have an evacuation plan just in case the tsunami hits her Oregon Coast town and that she should be OK...called me from her old cell number *sigh*
My wife thinks that she probably called in sick to work during 9/11 because a piece of the twin towers flew across the US and hit her on the west coast, lol.
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