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Wanting the obsession to end
Hi,
I have what is likely chronic telogen effluvium (as I have had it for far longer than 6 months now). I really want to stop thinking about my hair/hair loss. I'm tired of it consuming mental energy, of looking at it every single day in the mirror and noticing the areas around my temples where it is especially sparse, of hating showers because that's when the shedding is at its worst, of seeing those notorious hairs with the white bulbs everywhere around the house, and of my ponytail holder falling out because there's not enough hair.
It's hard being in this "in between" position as well - I am not bald, but my hair is definitely falling out and is becoming thinner and thinner as the months go on. It leaves me in the strange position of not really being sure if I want to go out and buy a topper, since the hair loss doesn't really seem extensive enough to warrant it (yet). It seems when one has CTE, it's not taken seriously because sometimes it doesn't look very obvious to others. But I *know* my hair is falling out. Sometimes I even wonder if it's something else other than CTE just because of the sheer length of time the shedding has been going on (gradually over the past few years, but it has gotten much worse this past year). Could I have some other form of alopecia? I have no idea anymore. I will see a dermatologist again in March for a hopefully more definitive diagnosis.
Sorry for the length of this post, but I want to stop this obsession with my hair. Why does hair have to be so important? I am frustrated at a society that puts way too much emphasis on it (especially for women). I don't want to internalize that kind of overvaluing of hair on one's head - I feel guilty/vain for even caring about my hair! I suppose what frustrates me the most is the loss of control.
How do you come to a point psychologically where you can just say "I am NOT my hair loss", "It's irrelevant what others might think of my hair loss", and "This doesn't have to rule my life anymore"?
I want to get to that point - where I can be liberated mentally.
Any advice would be welcome. Thank you so much for reading.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Pam D. on
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We are always hopeful, aren't we? I thought the steroid shots helped me, I was very aggressive last time, but my hair still fell out. I am on plaquenil now; it's only been a couple weeks, so nothing yet. If it doesn't work, I'm moving on and accepting the fact this condition is going to do what it's going to do. I'm tired of dealing with it as I know nothing is permanent, some of the treatments are painful, or expensive, or affect your overall health. I'm going to live with the fact knowing my store-bought hair looks better than my real hair ever did (I get complements all the time), I never have to shave again (haven't had to in 3 years), I have perfect eyebrows (when I decide to wear them), and long, thick eyelashes I never had. Sometimes I think what would I give to have my hair back? I can't think of another condition/disease I would rather have because, as much as I hate this, it doesn't hurt and it isn't going to kill me. There is not one thing I enjoy doing, either, I would be willing to trade for my hair. I wouldn't give up my horses, my sewing skills, gardening (it has to be something I really love to make it count), my friends, family, none of it, for my hair. There are many, many, more important things in life than hair...
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Permalink Reply by gerrydimz on
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Healing does not mean the damage no longer exist. Rather it no longer controls us.
We are now touched with our impermanence and we have to come into grips with our mortality. There is a spiritual path that you can take where you can find your true self and let go of your ego. I suggest you investigate a meditation practice.
Another option is to send for a free sample of a vegetable based ointment that I cooked up.
Cheers!
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