When should I tell a date I have alopecia?

I very rarely wear wigs. I wear them once a week maybe once every few weeks. I wear hats or scarves almost daily. Usually I wear a wig for special occasions or for meetings. I went on a great date with this guy last night and I had a meeting earlier that day so I wore a wig to meet him. We both had a great time and he was very adamant about us setting up a second date before thanksgiving when we both go out of town (so I know he likes me thus far). We met online and in my photos I have two bald pictures and one fairly obvious long red hair wig photo. I realized by meeting him with the wig he could either think 

1. My hair grew out from those bald photos

2. I am bald but I wear wigs regularly.

I don't want to give him the illusion I like to wear wigs (at all) by wearing one on the second date just to fool him into being attracted to me but I also really like him and don't want to be foolish and do something drastic that may detract him from me prematurely. Should I opt for the hat or wig on the second date? I want to wear a hat of course, but when is a good time to present to him my daily head wear? 2nd or 3rd date or do you think it does not matter if he already likes me?

p.s. this is my first time actually liking someone after being bald these past 8 months. :/

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Permalink Reply by Rach1992 on November 21, 2015 at 12:32pm

thanks for the feedback Aimee. :) I think third date is a good idea to talk about the alopecia too. Only thing is I'll have to avoid the question on the second date when I wear a hat. I'm thinking of saying something like "I'll tell you about it another time but I'm not sick/undergoing chemo" and then if we decide to go on the third date I'll tell him about it then. I think I just lost it so early and the prospect of wearing a wig for the rest of my life sounds completely unbearable so I figure i'll get used to it now and not wear wigs during my day to day (also I've always been one who's wanted to chop all her hair off when I had long hair but I didn't have the guts haha). 

I'm glad you have such a great marriage. I bet dealing with alopecia has only made you guys stronger <3 

Permalink Reply by Dani on November 21, 2015 at 8:27am

Hello! Just my random '2 cents': Wearing a wig on the second date might well "give him the illusion" you "like to wear wigs". I understand "don't want to be foolish and... detract him from me", but judging by the fact he asked you out after seeing two bald photos of you, he must be fine with it. If you wear a wig, then after date #2, you'll have worn a wig on 100% of the dates. If you wear a hat, then after date #2, you'll have worn a wig on 50% of the dates, & a hat on 50%. Considering that you wear a hat/go bald the vast majority of the time, it might be worth giving him a more accurate idea of your daily look, by wearing a hat on the second date.

I also haven't 'liked'/dated anyone since being bald... for five years now. Well done for getting back in the dating game, have a great time on date 2 and if you post an update on how it went I'd be interested to hear :-)

Permalink Reply by Rach1992 on November 21, 2015 at 12:28pm

Thanks. I agree. I don't want to set him up for disappointment and I would also like to gauge his attraction level he has with me wearing my everyday look... so I think I'll wear a hat on date #2. Also, I know the feeling of not wanting to date. You will find someone amazing and will think you are the bees knees. I am 100% sure those with alopecia don't have to settle for less :) <3

Permalink Reply by cmdd20 on November 21, 2015 at 9:02am
I think you should tell him. Third date sounds about right but if he gives you an opening on the second, even better. I've had 4 relatively serious gfs (year plus relationships) between college and my 20s, and only came clean to one of them, my current, after she kind of forced it out of me (and it was after a year of dating). Long story but after I told her it made things a lot easier on me and on us. I could be open and truthful with her about emotional issues, didn't have to worry about what I look like in the morning, etc. Something I wish I would have done a while ago and truthfully would have probably made my other relationships better too. So even if you tell him, and things don't work out, it will probably make dating the next guy easier because you'll be experienced at breaking the news since you've done it before.

So don't be like this me - get rid of cable and tell the person you're dating you have alopecia sooner than later.
Permalink Reply by Rach1992 on November 21, 2015 at 12:26pm

yeah, I like the third date idea and maybe if there is an opening on the second I can talk about that. I am glad you guys worked that out :) I know how hard it is. I lied to my friends about it until I couldn't anymore. It's hard to contain that secret that is eating you away. thanks for the feedback  :)

Permalink Reply by cmdd20 on November 21, 2015 at 1:59pm
Yup. I've had it since I was 5 and wasn't really able to hide it in the beginning so most of my good friends know about it. It's gotten better and worse over the years, plus I'm pretty good at hiding it after having it this long (I'm 29 now). In the last 2 years or so it's been getting really bad so I started taking Xeljanz recently. My absolutely unqualified opinion is that there's going to be a near guaranteed treatment within 5 years. I think there's been more progress in the last two years than the previous 23 combined. Now it seems to be more an issue of getting research funding, whereas before they just didn't understand the condition.
Permalink Reply by Rach1992 on November 21, 2015 at 4:11pm
that's so nice to hear. I hope that that's true but more importantly I hope that it's a treatment that is not an immune suppressant because those are really dangerous. I want to taKe xeljanz but I don't feel comfortable taking something that can increase my risk of cancer :-(
Permalink Reply by cmdd20 on November 21, 2015 at 4:55pm
Completely understand. It took me over a year to get comfortable with taking it. Obviously it's not without risk but worth it for me given how its been impacting my quality of life. I have an appointment with Dr King in a couple of weeks, hoping he has new info on a topical.
Permalink Reply by Rach1992 on November 21, 2015 at 7:56pm

oh a topical??? i bet that would be way safer. Are they working on one? That's really exciting. Do you think I could add you and you could tell me what he says about it? :D

Permalink Reply by cmdd20 on November 22, 2015 at 9:59am
Yeah of course. My appointment is on 12/8. I read an article recently that topical jak inhibitors worked more effectively on mice than systemic (full regrowth within 2 weeks). According to my derm, issue is that mice skin is a lot thinner than human skin so may not be the best indicator as to how effective it would be in humans. Will try to find out more.
Permalink Reply by Rach1992 on November 24, 2015 at 12:35am

ooh okay. i hope something can be figured out regarding that. fingers crossed! thank you :)

Permalink Reply by cathy on November 21, 2015 at 10:55am

I think you should tell him before your second date, that way if he dose not accept you, your heart wont fully be in it. 

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