Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 16, 2008 at 10:02am

Fetishism according to Psychology Today's Diagnosis Dictionary:

The term "fetishism" was coined in the late 1800s. It originates from the Portuguese word feitico, which means "obsessive fascination". There is a degree of fetishistic arousal in most normal individuals who find particular bodily features attractive. However, fetishistic arousal is generally considered a problem when it interferes with normal sexual or social functioning and where sexual arousal is impossible without the fetish object.

Fetishism is characterized as a disorder when there is a pathological assignment of sexual fixation, fantasies or behaviors toward an inanimate object -- frequently an item of clothing -- such as underclothing or a high-heeled shoe -- or to nongenital body parts -- such as the foot. Only through use of this object can the individual obtain sexual gratification. The fetishist usually holds, rubs or smells the fetish object for sexual gratification or asks their partner to wear the object during sexual encounters. Fetishism is a more common occurrence in males, and the causes are not clearly known. Fetishism falls under the general category of paraphilias, abnormal or unnatural sexual attractions.

The sexual acts of fetishists are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, with the focus being exclusively on the fetish. Non-fetishists may at various times become aroused by a particular body part or an object and make it a part of their sexual interaction with another person, but they do not fixate on it.

It should be apparent from this definition of fetishism that a bald fetish is not a mere preference, but a pathology; for it isn't just deeming a woman to be bald and beautiful in your eyes, but obsessing over her baldness and attempting to use it for your own sexual gratification. The obvious problem with this is that it reduces the female person to what she possesses -- from someone to some thing! -- and, as Yokasta pointed out, results in vulnerable alopecians being preyed on rather than genuinely praised, approached, and appreciated for the pulchritudinous and phenomenal women they really are.

In light of this clarification, I'd still like for us to discuss how Men Who Don't Mind can avoid treating or making bald or alopecic women feel like some fetish. As a man who doesn't mind engaged to a lovely alopecic woman, I believe the key is to find her "altogether lovely" and make sure that your actions speak this much louder than your words. Even more to the point, the alopecian woman must be assured that her personality, lifestyle, and unfeigned love for you is as much an aphrodisiac as any of her physical attributes, including her bald, shaved, or patchy head. You must be genuinely attracted to her spirit and not just her shell and clearly demonstrate this, not just by what you say, but how attend and respond to her whole person.

I could say more, but I hope this prompts more Men Who Don't Mind to think about and contribute to this important discussion.

Permalink Reply by Drew on June 16, 2008 at 3:53pm

See to me I always thought that a fetish was a sexual obsession to something that isn't 'normally' sexual. The example that comes to mind is a foot fetish. To me if someone had a bald fetish they would constantly want to be touching your head or rubbing it and would constantly talk about you being bald. I think there is a difference in finding someone who is bald beautiful and having a fetish too. I don't think there is anything wrong with a blad woman and she is still beautiful, but I don't fixate on their bald head and get sexually turned on because of it.

I know I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty confident in saying that if a guy kept commenting on a woman's head being bald, then that would be enough to send up red flags and turn off the woman. Maybe I'm wrong because I haven't been in the situation but isn't it fairly easy to tell if a guy has a fetish or he just finds you attractive in other ways and doesn't mind the fact that you're bald?

RJ you are engaged to a woman who is alopecic but you don't love her just because she is alopecic. If she had hair it wouldn't change anything you would still be in love with her right? I think that fact right there is a way you keep her from feeling like you're with her because of some sort of fetish.

It's always seemed like a fetish is something strictly sexual, and applies to situations that are only sexual, not romantic or being 'in love' with someone. You can NOT be in love with someone because of a fetish, but need to have a deeper attraction and understanding of the person. Without that deeper understanding and attraction it is just lust. Expressing that deeper attraction to them is what will continue to reasure them that you are a man who doesn't mind and that it's not a fetish.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 16, 2008 at 5:45pm

No, Drew! If my fiancee's hair grew back, I'd drop her like a searing hot skillet!

Ok, I'm just kidding. ;-)

Indeed, you are right: Although I believe Cheryl is beautiful with patchy hair as well as a bald head, none of this is a prerequisite for visual or sexual gratification. In fact, her hair (or lack thereof) is, and has always been, a non-issue to me. So, obviously, I'm not a bald fetishist.

However, I also cannot deny that there are times when she simply looks scrumptious bald, shaven, or with her extremely low, patchy hairstyle! It goes without saying that this is one of the reasons I enjoy shaving her. Nonetheless -- and the following is a critical point! -- I do NOT need her to be bald or shaven in order for me to want her. As I stated elsewhere in this discussion, it's because she's "altogether lovely" to me -- heart, soul, mind, AND BODY -- that she's so immensely delectable and desirable to me.

In other words, unlike someone with a bald fetish, I am attracted to my fiancee as a person and NOT merely addicted to something she possesses. I take incalculable joy in her and not some preferred condition of her head. And I compliment and caress her alopecic scalp, not so much because it's bald and beautiful in itself, but because the phenomenal women of my dreams makes her baldness look so beautiful to me.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 16, 2008 at 6:21pm

Jack, not mentioning a woman's baldness or alopecia seems more like a catch-22 to me; for just as a woman might assume that you haven't mentioned anything about her baldness or alopecia because you're attracted to her regardless, she might also conclude that you haven't initiated any discussion about it because it IS an issue for you.

I think the only way to clear the air and avoid unnecessary confusion, fears, and apprehensions is to broach the subject early, tactfully, and candidly. As far as I'm concerned, it's one thing for a woman to not want to discuss what I like (or dislike) about her; it's quite another thing for me to leave her guessing or thinking that I'm evading an obvious issue. ;-)

Permalink Reply by kastababy on June 16, 2008 at 6:33pm

Touche, RJ!!!

I think the issue of mentioning it or not would all depend on the woman in question's comfort level herself.

Interestingly enough, I think that maybe we should have had this discussion before the one we had on how and when to tell someone about your alopecia. Does anyone else see how closely this subject parallels that one???

Permalink Reply by kastababy on June 16, 2008 at 6:43pm

OMG, is there such a thing as too normal???

Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on June 17, 2008 at 1:10am

Is there any wonder why I love this man?!

This has been quite a discussion and I don't really know where to start. But the most important thing that rj does for me is that he does not treat my head any differently from the rest of my body or treat the rest of my body any different from my bald head. He will touch my head the same way he touched my hand, the small of my back, my legs or the sides of my face. All receive equal amounts of attention. So I never feel like he is singling out my head when he a touches it. I guess you can call it balance. But at the same time he does not ingnore my head, which would send up other red flags with me.

What would make me feel uncomfortable would be if a man concentrated solely on my bald head and everything became about my bald head and nothing else. IE: can you take your hair/hat off, can I touch it, can you send me pictures of it, can I watch you shave it... It does not take a woman/man long to know when only a part of him/her is getting all attention.

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• Next ›
• Page