Alopecia World
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To wig or not to wig isn't the only question
Cool Head raised an interesting issue in her introductory comment to the Men Who Don't Mind group. It's what I call a chicken-or-egg issue because, at the heart of the matter, is the question of which comes first: Seeing that man is worthy of knowing about her alopecia, or the man knowing about her alopecia in order to see whether he's worthy?
I suspect that many, if not most, people will sympathize and side with Cool Head. Since meeting my fiancée Cheryl, most of the alopecians I have encountered passionately defend the position and practice of covering and concealing one's alopecia until you meet that special person who deserves to know. And, of course, that makes a lot sense. Or, does it?
I share Cheryl's view that to wig or not to wig is a personal choice. However, like nearly all personal choices, it has its pros and cons and, thus, its consequences as well.
Consider, for example, that men who are attracted to women with hair will most likely approach women with hair. That probably means that an alopecic female who wears a nice wig will most likely attract men who like women with hair. I need not point out that, under these circumstances, it would not make any sense for the alopecic woman to be shocked by the high rate of rejection and disappointment she experiences. Her "hair," (probably) among other things, is part of the problem, not the solution.
On the other hand, men who are attracted to bald or alopecic women, or just don’t care one way or the other, will most likely approach bald or alopecic women. It goes without saying that, if a bald or alopecic woman is wearing a wig, there's a good likelihood that she will not be noticed or approached by this kind of man because, with her wig on, she has hidden herself in plain sight. Again, her "hair" is part of the problem, not the solution.
Now, I understand that the majority of women with alopecia wear wigs, not just to get a man, but also to feel good about themselves and/or placate certain folk in this seemingly pro-hair world of ours. Yet, it also seems to me that a wig can serve to distract the very kind of man she hopes to attract.
If you are a woman with "hair," then you should expect to attract men who probably won't appreciate you without it. However, if you want to attract a man who truly doesn't mind your bald or alopecic look, then consider either the openly bald and beautiful or the openly alopecic and adorable alternative.
As Cool Head also suggests, that a man doesn't mind your baldness or alopecia doesn't necessarily mean he's worthy of you. But at least your "hair" won't get in the way, either. First share your alopecia, I say, and at least you won't waste precious time on men who couldn't possibly be worthy of you.
What is your view of the matter? I would love to hear from men and women on both sides of the issue. ;-)
I suspect that many, if not most, people will sympathize and side with Cool Head. Since meeting my fiancée Cheryl, most of the alopecians I have encountered passionately defend the position and practice of covering and concealing one's alopecia until you meet that special person who deserves to know. And, of course, that makes a lot sense. Or, does it?
I share Cheryl's view that to wig or not to wig is a personal choice. However, like nearly all personal choices, it has its pros and cons and, thus, its consequences as well.
Consider, for example, that men who are attracted to women with hair will most likely approach women with hair. That probably means that an alopecic female who wears a nice wig will most likely attract men who like women with hair. I need not point out that, under these circumstances, it would not make any sense for the alopecic woman to be shocked by the high rate of rejection and disappointment she experiences. Her "hair," (probably) among other things, is part of the problem, not the solution.
On the other hand, men who are attracted to bald or alopecic women, or just don’t care one way or the other, will most likely approach bald or alopecic women. It goes without saying that, if a bald or alopecic woman is wearing a wig, there's a good likelihood that she will not be noticed or approached by this kind of man because, with her wig on, she has hidden herself in plain sight. Again, her "hair" is part of the problem, not the solution.
Now, I understand that the majority of women with alopecia wear wigs, not just to get a man, but also to feel good about themselves and/or placate certain folk in this seemingly pro-hair world of ours. Yet, it also seems to me that a wig can serve to distract the very kind of man she hopes to attract.
If you are a woman with "hair," then you should expect to attract men who probably won't appreciate you without it. However, if you want to attract a man who truly doesn't mind your bald or alopecic look, then consider either the openly bald and beautiful or the openly alopecic and adorable alternative.
As Cool Head also suggests, that a man doesn't mind your baldness or alopecia doesn't necessarily mean he's worthy of you. But at least your "hair" won't get in the way, either. First share your alopecia, I say, and at least you won't waste precious time on men who couldn't possibly be worthy of you.
What is your view of the matter? I would love to hear from men and women on both sides of the issue. ;-)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Cool Head on
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My first feeling is to share my alopecia, but I just don't seem to be able to. I have to admit it has gotten easier over the years even though I strongly believe that it negatively affected their perception of me and diminished my attractiveness to them. On the other hand, I have made a couple of good male friends. They liked me as a friend after my alopecia revelation.
Just another one of life's dilemas :) -
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Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on
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Cool Head, it seems that over the years you've been overly concerned about the perceptions and opinions of the wrong kinds of men. As I've told my daughters, others, and myself for years now, if someone doesn't like the way you look, then that's probably a very strong indicator that that simply isn't the person for you and that you should focus your romantic interests and desires elsewhere. It's sad to say, but far too many people spend far too much time trying the please and appease the wrong kinds of (potential) lovers. Life and love are so much better when we learn better than to remain interested in someone who finds you interesting for all the wrong reasons. Let me add that this does NOT mean you must lower your standards or expectations, but that you should raise them in order to hone in on, not just someone for you, but someone truly worthy of you. There are all kinds of men open to dating and loving on bald and alopecic women, and you shouldn't give a man a moment's thought if he isn't.
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while you make some very valid points, I cannot totally agree. Most women are converned about perceptions of men. That is normal. I agree that is a man loses interest because of my hair, he is definitely not the right one for me. Sometimes when just meeting someone, looks are all that we have to go by. Looks are usually the first point of attraction. If the hair issue is presented before the initial friendship starts turning toward a relationship, whatever initial connection there was can be jeopardized. While this can be hurtful, I have to respect their decision. I'd rather know sooner than later. I'm still looking for the man that not only dates and loves bald and alopeic women, but one that will date and love THIS bald and alopeic woman.
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Permalink Reply by Rajesh Khandelwal on
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Dear Cool Head,
I think any relation is long lasting when its by heart and not by looks. What I consider is beauty is for some time may be max till age of 37 or 38 years but after that it will fade. There after what a person will love you for is your nature and your culture.
You are a good person and come on sweets it’s not the end of life. Be sporting you will get your dream man in your life who will love you more then what you expect.
The person who enters your life should love you and not your beauty or money. Like Becky her hubby is aware about her and he insists on she being natural with out wearing a wig that’s called a true life and most important remember GOD is there and he gives happiness to all may be it takes time in certain cases.
GOD empties your hand for some time to make it available to grab something big. Have a good luck and a good day. -
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Permalink Reply by becky on
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Hi, my name is Becky. I have had AU for 5 yrs now. I do wear a wig as you see in my pic. My family has seen me without my wig, and so has the neighbors. My husband tells me he doesn't care if I wear my wig at all, because he loves me no matter what I look like. He just wants me to be comfortable with myself. I do run around outside without my wig, I just haven't got the guts to go shopping or to work without it. They have seen me without my wig at work, but I was at the drive through window. LOL I have been told by the ones that have seen me without my wig, that I am beautiful without it, but that doesn't help me any. When people do stare at me when I am not wearing it, I admit I get very nasty. I wear my wig, mostly so people don't stare.
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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OMG, where do I begin??
Perhaps it is important to explain to the participants of this discussion what a wig represents to me after wearing them for so many years.
To me, a wig represents having to hide who I was from everyone. A wig represents my admission of being a slave to the opinions of everyone else. It also represents an ugly truth in my life; the truth being that to an extent I also subscribe to society's definition of beauty. Sometimes, a wig represents an outward attempt to fit in with everyone else but that is just the excuse that I give -- the wig is the inner reinforcement of my own low opinion of myself at the time that I put it on my head. If I could draw or paint a verbal picture of what a wig is to me, it would have to be an inner cap of Krazy Glue (so it won't come off) and each individual hair would be made of linked chains -- because that thing is stuck to me and the chains are heavy and oppressive and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.
I'm very good at the "fake it til you make it" mentality. I present an image of self-confidence and high self-esteem that makes others jealous. Deep down, however, I know that I am not pretty and most people tell me that I am to make me feel better. I have made peace with the fact that the very type of man I want in my life probably doesn't want me back because I don't meet the accepted standard of beauty that he has grown up with. I can't help but use my past experiences to shape my opinion of someone who openly advertises that he doesn't mind my alopecia or doesn't have a problem with it. (The only exception to this is RJ, because in him I see more honesty and agape love than I have seen in anyone. Ever.) I think that those men seek out alopecic women or fat women or women who are not the "typical" woman because they want to feel better about themselves, or they do it out of pity so that they are looked up to as some sort of savior. I could write a whole blog on this, but since I'm trying to stay on point, I will go ahead and make my point.
I think that this issue is not a "chicken or egg" issue. In order for me to truly trust you, I will tell you at some point (when I think it's right) about my alopecia. I don't feel like I need to disclose that I have alopecia if I meet you and I am in a period of regrowth -- to me, that is putting added pressure somewhere it doesn't need to be, when it is difficult enough just feeling each other out under normal circumstances. If, during the course of our relationship, my alopecia becomes active again, then that is a conversation we will have. If, on the other hand, you meet me during a time where my alopecia is active and I am completely bald, then what happens happens. I am not going to hide behind a wig, but at the same time I am not going to volunteer the information either. I think that for me to open up to you about my alopecia makes you a very special person indeed, because I don't willingly open myself up to hurt and humiliation like that normally. For you to be told about alopecia and then you want to stay regardless makes you even more special than that.
So that is my opinion/vent. I hope it is insightful, considering it took me 3 days to write :) -
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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In my case, I have not been rejected for my alopecia because it is already out there. Anyone who this would be a problem for would just keep walking and not even bother to approach me. On the other hand, anyone who does is already is a position of wanting to know what is the situation with my look. Making it an easy transition to an explanation on Alopecia. Plus showing me that this is potentially a person who is willing to discuss, consider and possibly appreciate differences. So my rejection level (for alopecia) is basically zero.
Even if I was in “remission” I would still tell a prospective partner that I could not only lose my scalp hair but ALL my hair today, tomorrow or next year. Part of the reason is that he needs to know that if I lose my hair again, there is a high likelihood that I would not wear a wig. I would also make sure to show him pictures of me without my hair, so that he would be well aware of what he might be walking into.
When I wore wigs, it was one of the first things I would tell a mate. And to be honest before I started being straightforward with that information, it was a heart wrenching time between the time I meet him and the time I finally revealed “my secret”.
There is a possibility that we make alopecia a “big dirty secret”, by being shameful of it ourselves. For every time that I mention alopecia from a place of control, it was never a problem. In fact it was usually seen as strength, whether I was wearing a wig or not. As soon as you are hiding something for months on end in a relationship, you are implying that you have something that you are ashamed of.
I far from consider myself something to pitied but something to be appreciated and am look for a man that sees that in me. Not every man is going to like what he sees in me and I am not going to like what I see in every man, and that is just the way the game goes.
I am not saying that we should not wear wigs; I truly believe that that is personal choice. But either way the “best” way to find a man or woman that accepts our alopecia is to be able to accept it ourselves and not be ashamed to reveal our truth.
I know this is not what we want to hear or even want to do. But, I agree with rj, whether you wear wig or not, you need to disclose & show your alopecia early in the relationship. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for some serious pain or heart break, if the person is not able to handle your bald or alopecic look. -
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Thanks to our resident PC expert, Frank, last night I had an opportunity to see the short movie titled Hairless. It's an entertaining little flick that addresses the very questions we're discussing here. It clearly shows the needless rejection, disappointment, and humiliation that can follow when an alopecian chooses to finally take off her wig at all the wrong times (e.g., abruptly right after meeting someone for the first time, suddenly before a romantic dinner, in the middle of making out, etc.). At one point, the alopecic star of the movie even thought she had found the perfect man, but said, "I'll make him love me and, when he's completely whipped, I'll tell him the truth." Well, Mr. Perfect turned out to be a doctor who understood the disease alopecia, but also told her, while they were making out, that she's perfect except for she needs "hair replacement therapy!" While watching all this, I couldn't help thinking that it's such a bad, bad idea to wait until you're "into" someone or "serious" about someone or already dating someone to show them what your baldness or alopecia really looks like. For the sake of at least trying to keep the drama and disappointment to a bare minimum in your life, please, not only tell prospective partners about your alopecia, but clearly show it to them "soon and very soon" after broaching the matter of dating. And, of course, this also applies to male alopecians who wear hairpieces and to all the rest of us who don't have what all too many folk in our lookist society consider to be "picture perfect" looks. Clear the air soon after meeting a prospective partner so that you can breath much, much easier for the rest of the relationship.
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Hi Tamgirl
Thanks for your comments. You look beautiful, by the way. Wearing a wig is not the trauma it used to be. Most of the time, I don't mind. The hardest part is not telling people, but showing people me without my wig. It's especially hard with men, but I have to say that after sharing my feelings and reading all of the comments, (especially from men), I do feel a lot better about it. I also think it will be easier the next time I meet someone. (which I hope will be soon :) Blessings -
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Hi Felicia
I know what you mean. You can always feel people staring, even when you don't see them. Sometimes after I notice someone staring, I'll check the mirror and see that my wig may not be quite right or part of my brow is missing. It has become kind of funny. I'm not ready to go wigless as RJ has suggested, but one of my fantasies is to go on vacation where no one knows me and not wear a wig. That would be great.
You hang in there. I admire your strength and courage. I admire all women that can go bald. I also think they look gorgeous and whenever I see one, I make sure I tell them. -
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Reject? Never. I would be so flattered.
I plan to go bald one day. I think my head is kind of nice. I'm just not ready yet. I'm glad to know there are men who like bald; You give me hope.
Thank you. -
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Permalink Reply by Mari on
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Well darn I know this is a very late reply but in case anyone is watching I have to disagree Rj. There have been many many times I don't wear a wig. I only wear it to work or on "night's out" and not once has a man ever approached me when I was hairless. I would like to think that some men around me don't "mind" but I have honestly not ever found one. However when I do wear my wig- then men approach. And I will also admit that I am totally upfront about being bald. I make sure from the get go that people are aware. That is ME and I want to surround myself with people who like me, and not what I look like. This is just my own personal experience.
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