Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on June 23, 2008 at 12:13pm

Personally, I think that I needed a fine balance between, not making my alopecia a big deal and still acknowledging it. I needed a subtle, safe introduction to my scalp. For example, if we were watching a movie lying on the couch, no word were needed, just perhaps gently caressing my head. If I am still struggling with self-acceptance, I may try to push you away, try not to give up on me or the process. I am probably going to need you to offer your hand for me to get out of my current situation, but I may be fearful to both ask and receive it.

If I was in a new situation that bought up certain feelings in me. Perhaps I need someone to just listen to me, let me vent, sometimes my venting is just allowing me to get my feelings out in the open so that I can figure things out on my own. Sometimes we hear enough advise from well meaning family, friends, co-workers, even people on the streets try to give us advise on creams, foods to eat, rubbing things on our scalps or methods to hide our alopecia (that just confirm our skewed thoughts that we are not ok how we are), there are times that we just want you to listen.

Other times I may ask for your advise and need to talk things through with you, because I may not be seeing things from a realistic, positive perspective, but a fearful, vulnerable one that just wants to hide. What I truly needed from my man is his willingness for me to be all that I can be, that his desire is that I am at my most and whatever that may mean to me. When we are alone I want him to see the "real" me and relate to the real me. Take the time to look in my eyes and speak to me when I am not wearing a head covering, encourage me to stay in your presence and not rush to cover up when we are alone. Let me see that you truly see and love me.

I know I have a lot more to say, but I will keep adding my thoughts and feelings as this discussion continues.

Permalink Reply by Steve on August 13, 2008 at 3:57pm

It is so different for women in our society, our alopecian society, and it's not fair to them. I remember wondering if I could ever find someone who could just ignore my hairlessness. It was a tense time emotionally for me. But, like a guy thing, when I stopped thinking about alopecia everyone around me seemed to stop thinking about it, too! When I was nine years old my parents offered to purchase a wig for me. I was extremely depressed at the time and school was more of an all day torture chamber than a learning institution. But I told them that if it wasn't MY hair on my head, I didn't want a wig. Years later my father told me that was the day he stopped worrying about me. In the late 60s, a young man with a naked head attracted a lot of attention!

But as I've said, I'm a guy. It's very accepted nowadays for men to be bald. I'd like to say that society can welcome a woman the same way, but evidence does not support this. I'm guilty of this myself to an extent. When I see a woman without hair I do tend to stare, I can't help it! In my mind, when I see a woman who can do this I am filled with so much respect for her, and joy that she has attained that confidence level in herself!

Recently, in my travels around NYC, I noticed a woman in an office environment who was obviously an alopecian. I felt a strong desire to meet her and congratulate her but when I asked if she would speak to me and I tried to introduce myself, I suddenly realized that the ONLY reason I was speaking to her was because she was hairless! I was tongue tied. We exchanged a few pleasantries and I asked if she had heard of Alopecia World, and she had and she's been to this site, etc. I did manage to say that she looked good. She said thank you and said she felt good. We smiled at each other and that was about it. I walked away hoping I hadn't made a complete fool of myself!

Thnking about that encounter later on I realized that, of course, we are all just regular people going about our lives and sometimes a little random friendliness isn't a bad thing.

iAMrj, thanks for inviting me to this group! I really don't mind alopecian women! If they can put up with the likes of me I can certainly return the favor!!

I agree with several of you about the support and listening that a woman may (WILL) need from time to time. In ninety-nine percent of her ways she's just like any other woman, just one dealing with the loss of a certain part of her person that 99% of the rest of the world can't conceive of, or understand. I've been married for 26 years and I love my wife dearly. When she cries, I hold her. When she's angry I try to understand why. I listen to her and she listens to me. It's a partnership, a life-long partnership, and I love this relationship!

Geez, this is getting long! I'll shut up now. More later it any of you thinks this helps!

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on August 13, 2008 at 9:42pm

In ninety-nine percent of her ways she's just like any other woman, just one dealing with the loss of a certain part of her person that 99% of the rest of the world can't conceive of, or understand.

Amen, Steve. Amen!