Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kastababy on June 29, 2008 at 7:49pm

I joined the Men Who Don't Mind group in Alopecia World to get the brutally honest opinions of men who don't mind women with alopecia. I wanted to see that there were men who have healthy attractions to women despite the fact that they have alopecia -- not run into men who are attracted to women because they are bald or have alopecia. Honestly, that has been my expectation from the beginning; indeed, it has been my only expectation. Do I think that expectation is being met? From some of the members of this group, yes, it certainly has. From others in the group -- well, let's just say that to me, their words and statements are neither reassuring nor comforting, and every posting I see from them sets off yet another red flag.

What I want to contribute to the group is an educated, thoughtful response from the female alopecian's point of view. However, I always try to slant my opinions in such a way that shows that I am very cognizant of the fact that men and women, by their very natures, are very different and think very differently about the same things. What I want to get out of being in this group is reassurance and comfort, and naked, brutal honesty. If you think that bald women are unattractive, say so. If you don't think you would be attracted to an alopecian woman because you are an alopecian yourself, say so. Believe me, I will respect you a heck of a lot more for your honesty than I will for you going through the motions and saying all the right things but not being sincere for a moment.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 30, 2008 at 11:21am

I wanted to see that there were men who have healthy attractions to women despite the fact that they have alopecia -- not run into men who are attracted to women because they are bald or have alopecia.

A man might find a woman physically attractive for all kinds of reasons, none of which necessarily means that he has some kind of fetish. For example, I've always preferred dating curvaceous, Black women, but I can assure you that I am not addicted and do not have an unhealthy attraction to them.

Likewise, one of the reasons I'm so attracted to my fiancee is because she looks as sexy alopecic and bald as she did with own hair and a wig. Yet, it would be ludicrous to even suspect me of having some bald fetish.

I would even go as far as saying that, if her alopecic and bald looks weren't among the many reasons I found her so attractive and adorable, then I wouldn't be the man for her at all because for as long as there's no cure or effective treatment for her alopecia or, as is the case, she simply opts out of treatments, her alopecia will be an integral and undeniable aspect of who she is.

Granted, matters might be quite different with a woman who hasn't embraced and accepted her alopecia in the way Cheryl has. However, as a general rule, I'd caution alopecic women to steer clear of men who purport to be love and adore them despite their alopecia.

Permalink Reply by Wayne on June 29, 2008 at 8:30pm

I joined it simply because I don't mind if a woman has alopecia. Having alopecia myself, despite regrowth, why would I care? With other health issues (thyroid, Graves' disease), again, why would I care? Some people put an emphasis on certain characteristics -- hair, weight, etc. That's nice for a physical attraction, I guess, but when you are old and the looks & health goes, you are left with the real person -- the personality, etc.

I have to admit, when I was younger and hadn't even heard of alopecia, I would have steered clear of women with alopecia or weight issues. I look back at some of the women I dated, and, despite their physical beauty, I'm glad I'm not with them forever. It makes no sense to exclude someone due to a physical characteristic, so I don't mind if a woman has thinning hair, no hair, etc., just as I'd like to think most women wouldn't mind if my hair loss reoccurred.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 30, 2008 at 12:37pm

William, I don't think it's exactly a compliment or amounts to acceptance when you say that you don't care about a woman's alopecia because you're dealing with much worse. However, I totally feel ya on this:

"I look back at some of the women I dated, and, despite their physical beauty, I'm glad I'm not with them forever."

Permalink Reply by Wayne on June 30, 2008 at 6:42pm

You wrote, "William, I don't think it's exactly a compliment or amounts to acceptance when you say that you don't care about a woman's alopecia because you're dealing with much worse."

That is NOT what I said. Not even close. I said I was dealing with other health issues. I didn't say they were worse. You seem to be thinking that my attitude is, "I have my own health issues, so why should I care about someone's alopecia?" Despite regrowth, I still have alopecia (small spots in back, usually on nape of neck) so how could I not be accepting of someone with alopecia?

I don't know how you get that I don't care (as in not accepting) when I actually stated I don't care (as in I don't mind.)

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on July 1, 2008 at 11:42am

William, thanks for the clarification.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 29, 2008 at 9:18pm

I formed this group because I want to connect with other Men Who Don't Mind and collectively plumb the depths of what it might mean to truly love and adore an alopecic woman. I envision this to be a "support" group of sorts for Men Who Don't Mind, who are, or desire to be, in supportive romantic relationships with alopecic women.

As a member of this group, I try to contribute mature, meaningful, and moving insights as well as a listening ear to other Men Who Don't Mind. As a consequence, I hope to become further enlightened and equipped to be the best man I can be to, and for, the phenomenal woman of my dreams, Ms. Cheryl Carvery.

While I hope that many more Men Who Don't Mind will join and help this group achieve these purposes, I also welcome and appreciate the priceless contributions women are making. As the late James Brown would have said, it's a man's world, but this group would be nothing, nothing without each of the women who are an integral and vital part of it.

Permalink Reply by Bob Hershberger on June 30, 2008 at 2:15am

I recieved a request to respond to the age old question. Why did I join?? Huh?? It simple..Im a guy..and I dont mind..One of the best thing's Ive learned living with AA,is that its not my fault,,I didnt choose it..It chose me,so if Im embarresed about something I didnt even choose,then it basiclly is my fault,and thats just wrong..It took me many many years to learn just that,but it was worth the effort,and taking the long way around to answer your question,knowing how diffulcult it is to live with AA,AT etc,and the strength and courage it takes to go about AA,At etc.life, so are the rare times I see another person,or a woman going about her life with strength and dignity,and to me,I find that extremely sexy,and attractiive..That takes guts and humility..To be thats a winning hand..My views are based nothing on this "bald fetish" thing I read here now and then,and if I was a woman,that would most likely adjatate me ,but to all the great women out there holding down the fort with charm,and dignity,I applaud you,and know there are people"men" who do and are looking passed the small hair problem,and see the strength and charm of a beautiful AA,At,Au Woman..God Bless us all..Bob

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 30, 2008 at 10:19am

"a woman going about her life with strength and dignity ... I find that extremely sexy,and attractive"

Bob, I couldn't agree with you more. This certainly is how I feel about my fiancee and have let her know this on more than one occasion. Indeed, I once wrote that I'm so in love with her not only because she's bald and beautiful, but more so because she makes bald (and alopecia!) look so beautiful. :-)

Permalink Reply by Tony on July 2, 2008 at 7:24am

Over the years, I’ve grown to understand that the worth of a person transcends appearance, material possessions, and the external façade we all present. But I still have much to learn, being a work in progress as it were…aren’t we all?

I have no expectations from this group except a willingness of the members, myself included, to openly share honest opinions. I hope to learn more about the courageous women who deal with alopecia as a part of their daily lives…about their expectations in relationships both personal and professional…and about people in general as the thoughts spill over into the diversity one encounters throughout life. What I hope to share is my view of the world despite my own naïveté in matters of women and alopecia. I look forward to the discussions…

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on July 2, 2008 at 9:38am

As men who don't mind, we certainly need to be men who also understand the needs and personalities of our alopecic partners. Equally important, however, is our need to understand ourselves -- what really moves and motivates us; our apprehensions and aspirations as men who don't mind; our weaknesses as well as our strengths as men who don't mind; areas of our thinking and conduct that we should enhance or change in order to be the best men we can be in our lives and relationships.

In other words, we need to look at ourselves and within ourselves to understand, not only what we can do to meet the conceivable challenges of loving an alopecic woman, but also how our own perspectives, proclivities, and personality quirks and flaws may help create and perpetuate these challenges.

That is why this group is, first and foremost, for men who don't mind rather than the alopecic women we love and adore. As the creator of this group, I hope that each man who joins will be (or become) a man who doesn't mind interrogating and confronting self rather than a man whose transformational focus is only on his significant other.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on July 2, 2008 at 2:45pm

Gary, the group name that you suggested -- "men who don't give a @%$% about women's hair!" -- isn't doable. Got another suggestion? LOL

I'm grateful that you were able to keep things in context and "safely assume" that my views of alopecic women, including my own fiancee, are not "mainstream." ;-)

Indeed, I've written quite a bit about the irrelevance of hair or no hair. See this, for example.

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