Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kastababy on June 15, 2008 at 12:49am

Wow, what a tricky subject.

One thing that I have noticed from casual observation and personal experience is that although we alopecian women do recognize in our heads that there are men who are genuinely attracted to bald and alopecic women, our hearts have been so scarred by being ostracized and objectified and being demoted to little more than an abnormal fetish that we immediately red-flag anyone who dares to reveal that specific part of his attraction to us. I'm not saying that it's right or wrong; rather I am just stating that that's just the reality of the situation.

If I had a choice in the matter, I would rather you not tell me you're attracted to me because I am bald or alopecic. As a matter of fact, I would rather you remove my hair (or lack of it) from the attraction equation altogether. If that is the reason you are attracted to me, then I don't want to know about it. Now, this doesn't mean that I want you to lie to me either. It just means that of all the reasons a man could and would be attracted to me, my alopecia and subsequent baldness is NOT one I want to know about.

I don't think that my not wanting to know of your attraction to my bald head is going to make it the elephant in the room by any means. However, please be warned that my suspicious nature will automatically red-flag you if you spend more time focused on my alopecia and baldness than I deem to be comfortable or necessary. To me, I've found it better to be overly prudent and cautious about relationships and emotional involvement than to be reckless in any way.

Would anyone agree or disagree with this assessment?

Permalink Reply by Mandy on June 16, 2008 at 4:24pm

It's definitely different for a woman because of societal views. A bald man is perfectly acceptable in today's society whereas a bald woman is not. Personally, I have always been very attracted to men with bald/shaved heads. Don't know why...I just think they're hot!! I don't think you should question a woman's motives if she digs your dome. We all know that physical appearance is very often what first attracts us to someone before we know them. So just because she thinks the bald head is hot, doesn't mean she doesn't like anything else about you...it's probably just her initial head-turner. ;)

Permalink Reply by Mandy on June 16, 2008 at 4:32pm

Ok...I should probably be careful here because I don't mean any disrespect in any way. But I know the individual's profile you're speaking about and when I first saw it I felt offended (I think it was a blog or something). I don't know why I felt this way it was just my initial reaction. (Keep in mind I am not bald headed at this time...I guess I was just reacting as if I may be someday.) While I mean no disrespect to this individual, I thought it was good to comment on here because it is a perfect example in response to this discussion. This is an example of making a woman feel like a fetish. There is a big difference between Men Who Don't Mind and Men with a Bald Fetish. Big difference. I feel that you shouldn't date someone just because they have a physical feature you're specifically looking for. Rather, there are other things more important to look for in a relationship and if the individual you are with happens to have those preferred physical features then consider it a bonus!

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 16, 2008 at 5:13pm

For the record, Cheryl and I launched Alopecia World about three months ago and I've removed at least two profiles because it seemed to me (and others, of course) that the people who created them were bald fetishists. What led me to this conclusion were the indiscriminate and inappropriate, duplicate messages that these banned members left all over Alopecia World, but especially for bald female members regardless of whether these women said they were underage, single, engaged or married. I don't recall that either of these offenders claimed to be an alopecian, but they clearly were here for no other reason than they thought there were a number of bald women here with whom they might hook-up. Not for a moment will Cheryl and I stand back and permit anyone to objectify any member of Alopecia World in this manner. We're certainly not policing our beloved community, but neither do we have the slightest intention to surrender Alopecia World to a horde of horny toes sexually addicted to hairlessness. ;-)

Permalink Reply by Mandy on June 17, 2008 at 9:50am

That's good to know. ;) Thanks for looking out!

Permalink Reply by kastababy on June 15, 2008 at 11:25am

According to Dictionary.com, there are three definitions for the word fetish. In studying all three definitions, the one word that comes to mind when I see this word is obsession. A fetish is an unnatural obsession with anything imaginable. There are plenty of people in this world (and hidden, I would venture to imagine) on this site that do in fact have a bald fetish. Their main concern is not with the personality or character of the object of their fetishes; rather, their only gratification is in being able to see, touch, feel, or otherwise use the object of their fetish for their own selfish desires.

I would like to ask the Men Who Don't Mind once again -- what sparked your attractions to bald or balding women? How many of you, upon careful reflection and thought, would honestly consider your attraction to be a fetish? More importantly, by focusing your attraction on bald and balding women, whether or not their baldness is due to AA or any other condition, have you excluded other women from your areas of attraction? If you have, I would venture so far as to say that you don't merely have an attraction to bald, alopecic, or balding women; you in fact have a fetish.

Comments? Rebuttals? Anyone?

Permalink Reply by kastababy on June 15, 2008 at 12:11pm

Like most men, I get the sneaking suspicion that most men don't like being put on the spot too terribly much. That I pull no punches and say whatever comes to mind can't be too comfortable, either! LOL

It can be a very uncomfortable process to shed yourself naked and look at your true motivations, and even more difficult to share those motivations honestly. I'm trying to keep an open mind about the responses here, so please feel free to let me know if I become too harsh!

Permalink Reply by kastababy on June 16, 2008 at 12:21am

Jack, when I compliment a bald man on his head, it is just that -- a compliment. Please do not let it be assumed that bald men are my preference, because they are definitely not. Besides, not every man who is bald can rock that particular style. Truth be told, the only hairstyles I definitely detest are afros and dreadlocks -- I understand their cultural importance, but quite honestly, to me it just looks like someone who is too lazy and trifling to keep their hair cut nice and neat. But that's just me -- it's not objectifying in the least, just stating a preference. I KNOW that most men are very sensitive about their heads -- the evidence is in all the products developed and marketed specifically to bald and balding men and THEIR self-image over the years (Rogaine, Propecia, Nioxin, Hair Club for Men, hair transplants, shall I continue?) which is why I try to refrain as much as possible. However, if you make it look good, then you make it look good, and that is that.

Unfortunately, men in general have a horrific track record in their treatment of women that precedes them. I'm sorry, but it's true. From the beginning of time itself, women have been mistreated, abused, told they didn't have souls (gotta love the Catholic Church), married off, bought, sold, legislated for and against (most often against), given their souls back (like I said, gotta love that Catholic Church!), had fashions, styles, and just about everything else imaginable dictated to them by men, and we STILL have a "glass ceiling" that we have to shatter -- and you dare to be astounded that we question the motives of a few of you? Lest we forget, it was a MAN who said "A woman's hair is her crowning glory" (I never did like St. Paul), and MEN who perpetuate the stereotype that for a woman to be sexy she has to have a 10-inch waist, a 50HHH bra cup, wear a size 0, and have hair long enough for her to sit on (preferably blond). It's because of a MAN's twisted fantasy of the ideal woman that our young women and girls starve, binge, and purge themselves to fit a standard that many of us will never, ever live up to -- and it is because of this history that we have the right to regard you with outright suspicion and disbelief when you tell us that you REALLY don't mind. Your words say one thing, but far too often your actions tell a completely different story.

I was speaking to someone else who harbors the same suspicions as I, and what I told her was this: Even in a virtual community as open and honest as this one, there are some people who are here for all the wrong reasons. These predators are the most dangerous kind, because they are preying on all our vulnerabilities and saying all the things we want to hear, which confuses and hurts everyone in the end. The trick to this is distinguishing those who are genuine and those who aren't. The person I was speaking to also made a very good point: There are so many of us who are going totally naked here in our baldness, and we are doing so on a leap of faith, trusting that our worst fear of being demoted to some man's twisted fetish won't come true. We have been hurt and rejected in the worst possible way, and so we want to ensure that this doesn't happen anymore. Alopecia World is our line in the sand, so to speak, and this dialogue is a very healthy way for us to assert ourselves.

I stand by my original answer to RJ's question. I don't want you, as a man, to mention my baldness to me unless I mention it first. If I invite you to make a comment about it, then and ONLY then should you make mention of it to me. I am SO much more than my hair (or lack of it), and I have spent too many years trying to make myself stand out and be known for something OTHER than my hair to let some human with a Y chromosome relegate me to something whose only purpose is to get his rocks off.

My question is this: Where are Frank, Gerald, Bob, the Jeffreys, Brian, Matt, Eric, and all the men on this site who proclaim in their profiles that they REALLY don't mind? Why haven't they posted their opinions yet? Have we finally touched upon a subject that reveals their true motives?? I am not trying to call anyone out, but it seems to me that the same ones who are vocal everywhere else should be just as vocal, if not more vocal, here in this group and in this discussion than anywhere else. Ladies, that doesn't let you off the hook either. There should be more of us who are giving an opinion about this subject too. Perhaps it ought to be posted in a general fourm so that those women who aren't a part of this group can read the thread and make their voices heard as well.

Marinate on that...

Permalink Reply by Mandy on June 16, 2008 at 4:44pm

Ahhhh I just now figured out that this discussion wasn't in the public forum and that I joined a group to reply to it. I would like to include my vote that this should be moved to the public forum. This is a great discussion!

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 17, 2008 at 11:15am

Frank, I don't see how your reply addresses the question I raised. The question isn't "What kind of woman do you desire?", but "If you were dating an alopecian, what kind of things would you do to assure her that you're not trying to treat her like some bald fetish?" Others also seem to misunderstand the question.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on June 16, 2008 at 9:10am

Jack, I agree with Tamgirl's answer to your question regarding reversing the discussion. ;-)

Permalink Reply by Drew on June 16, 2008 at 2:03am

For me I have never dated a girl who was bald or had alopecia. It's not that I wouldn't, it's that I've never been in a situation where that was an option. I know no one offline with this disease besides myself, which makes it hard for me at times but that's a different story. All the women I know who are bald are at least 15-30 years older than me and have lost their hair because of cancer.

I think there's a clear difference between finding someone who is bald attractive and finding someone attractive because they are bald. When it comes to that second catagory is when the whole "fetish" comes into play.

But it really is a tricky thing, because the baldness carries over to other aspects of women. Like others have mentioned before me, being bald or having alopecia affects their personality and their strength as a human being. I find a strong woman who can get through difficult times, can still find the silver lining, and who can still come out laughing with a good sense of humor a major plus. Many of the women I have talked to on here have all those qualities because of their baldness or alopecia. But in the same sense I don't find these women attractive because they are bald.

If someone has a fetish for bald women then I think it will show right away. Look at the examples people have shown on here of men going to every girls page and saying things that are pretty much the same.

If I was out on a date with a girl that I thought was bald underneath a wig, or if the girl came up to me to talk who was bald I wouldn't mention it until she did first. But then again the baldness itself doesn't play into why I am attracted to the girl in the first place. I would not however be afraid to tell her that I thought she was beautiful regardless of whether or not she mentioned her baldness first.

I guess that is the best way to answer your question RJ... I would instead of focusing on the fact that the woman is bald or has alopecia, focus on everything else that you find attractive in that woman. Tell her that she is a strong women and you admire her strength and her personality.

And I guess I fit into the catagory of "Men who don't mind" rather than "Men who like it"

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