Alopecia World
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Let's take a look at staring
Sometimes when Cheryl and I are out and about, I notice people staring at her and, every now and again, commenting to themselves or others. There have also been a few times when children or teenagers laughed at her while passing by us.
Cheryl says that she's used to such rude behavior and simply ignores it, if at all possible. But after dating her for over a year, I'm still not completely accustomed to such unwanted attention being directed her way. To be downright honest, in fact, sometimes it annoys me to no end and launches me into stare-down mode.
However, a visible reaction from me is the exception and not the rule. Most of the time, I make myself consciously oblivious to such ignorant behavior and simply maintain my usual protective awareness of our surroundings.
What about you? How do you deal with people staring at your alopecic partner? And, if you have alopecia, how would you prefer that your partner deal with such rude stares and whispers?
Cheryl says that she's used to such rude behavior and simply ignores it, if at all possible. But after dating her for over a year, I'm still not completely accustomed to such unwanted attention being directed her way. To be downright honest, in fact, sometimes it annoys me to no end and launches me into stare-down mode.
However, a visible reaction from me is the exception and not the rule. Most of the time, I make myself consciously oblivious to such ignorant behavior and simply maintain my usual protective awareness of our surroundings.
What about you? How do you deal with people staring at your alopecic partner? And, if you have alopecia, how would you prefer that your partner deal with such rude stares and whispers?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on
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Tamgirl, thanks for reminding us that "it always costs energy to defend yourself from stares, conscious or unconscious." That's why I try to expend most of my energy on making the most of the moments that Chery and I share. I would never want to be guilty of constantly mishandling situations in such a way that it only added to her stress level. A friend, indeed, is no enemy to one's health. :-)
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Permalink Reply by Roger on
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Hi RJ and all members.
Im sad to hear about the behavior from people staring at Cheryl. I would stare at her because shes beautiful ;) . If I had an partner (im single for the moment) I would like her not to care about it what other says or do. If shes with me I hope shes with me because she likes to be with me. No mather what. I am the person I am and I dont care about what people think about me being bald. Im so used to deal with my alopecia. It was harder when I was younger and a teenager.
I also wanna tell all the people I met in Louisville I miss them a lot! I miss the feeling and see you all in Houston next summer!
Roger. -
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Roger, thanks for the compliment. Indeed, Cheryl is altogether lovely to me and beautiful to you and many others. However, I understand and accept the fact that everyone doesn't agree -- and doesn't have to agree -- because beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Indeed, it would never upset me that someone thinks she's ugly, but neither would I allow such a person to violate her personal space in my presence.
The other thing that might be a consideration is gender. I'm a pro-feminist egalitarian who still has some old school ways. For example, I open doors for Cheryl, refuse to allow her to carry anything heavy when I'm around, and, more to the point, stand ready to defend her at the slightest hint of danger when we're in public or the privacy of our homes.
Despite the fact that you have alopecia, I doubt very much that your female partner would be inclined to play such en-gendered roles in your relationship. If anything, I'd hazard to guess that, even in Sweden, females generally expect their male partners to be the muscle in their relationships.
So, while Cheryl is like you in that she doesn't care and probably doesn't even notice how most people react to her, I can't help noticing because I'm socially constructed to the watchdog in my relationships with females. Nevertheless, I keep myself on a pretty short leash because it's simply dumb and lethal to roam about doing nothing except looking for trouble. ;-) -
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Permalink Reply by Carol on
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That's a good question rj! I haven't been with anyone other than my husband whilst sporting the bald doo but I've seen two sides of how my husband has coped with staring. Generally rude, laughing teens get his full blown attention and as flattering as it is to have him want to defend me, I know it's not worth his time dealing with people like that. It's like talking to the wall - really! That has since been downgraded to "the stare". Mostly he's learning how to be "oblivious" to the behaviour which is difficult for him as he's extremely observant. He's also learning how to let sleeping dogs lay, he used to go on and on about how it bothered him after which got me going too and that didn't help anyone! In our case, when it comes to stares and giggles from behind, ignorance is bliss! It's just something you learn along the way, no tricks, sorry! Cheryl is a strong woman though, she'll guide you just fine I'm sure! :)
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Carol, though I'm not impetuous, it still helps me to see how Cheryl deals with such impolite behavior. Of far greater concern to me is imposing or intimidating behavior like when that exhibited by a man downtown Detroit the first time I spent time with Cheryl face-to-face. He was sitting several feet from us, but he made sure that he made eye contact with me while wondering aloud, "What da hell is wrong with that woman!" LOL A different me at a different time probably would have grabbed something and tried to bust him wide open, but I learned long ago to turn the other cheek if no one touches the first one! ;-) I doubt very much whether Cheryl even notices the rare occasions on which I feel the need to stare someone down just to send the message that they shouldn't take their discourteous behavior too much further. Indeed, I tend to keep my cool, not only because it shows character, but also because I'm always cognizant of the fact that the first, foremost, and really sole reason I'm out and about with her is enjoy her company; not to have some silly, dangerous, and gratuitous confrontation with an idiot.
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Permalink Reply by as on
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People will prove be bad.I know a well you unpleasant views and gossip.Earlier get wrong went,for its illness.You views am also heavily bore.Therefore you I can understand.Learned am is ignore.Today go well.Thanks to you and Alopecia World am found out, that the bald women are also beautiful.I'm sorry, that the have to cognize also you bad views.I them already defy.Accompany bald lady is for me same how woman with hair.It me does not make problem.Bald women be like each other beautiful and I should be rather honored,accompany such lady.
Excuse please mine bad knowledge English.as -
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Permalink Reply by Herne Steelegrave on
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Greetings to you....
You saw my pictures and why I am protective of my wife. I will not allow any behavior or conduct unbecoming, even here in Canada where freedom of speech is acceptable. The last person who was staring was so blatantly obvious that I just stepped in front of him and asked him what his problem was. I guess he saw the tombstones in my eyes with his name on it and left the area. I stopped playing a long time ago with rudeness towards my love. I see it as a fair exchange; they take their attitude elsewhere, or I take them apart....sweet, simple, and under 3 seconds. Life is too short for any kind of crap. We also live a pagan lifestyle and I draw the line there as well...
Love and laughter,
Herne -
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Permalink Reply by Tony on
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Interesting topic rj…thanks for opening the discussion. While I don’t have a partner with (or without) alopecia, I do have a DD who was involved in a severe auto accident a few years ago. She took over 50 stitches to her beautiful face. Much along the same lines as alopecia…a change in appearance without much choice… if you will indulge the comparison.
Regardless of where we went, people stared, pointed and whispered about her appearance. It broke my heart but regardless of my feelings, it was up to me to teach her to hold her head up as she had done nothing wrong, to forgive the curious as they truly meant no harm, ignore the idiots as they were just that, and, if the situation required, not to be afraid to stand up for herself. This is far from an easy undertaking for an adult let alone a young lady on the verge of puberty.
She did well. I once over heard a young school mate taunt her about her face. She didn’t miss a beat…”I was in an accident…what’s your excuse?” His buddies laughed and began to mock him. He had no choice but to turn his attentions to his own defense. The incident was over. As she turned toward me, I could see a little grin beginning to form, proud that she had stood up for herself.
Only once did I need to intercede…a young man, perhaps late teens to early 20s made a very crude comment. I could see the tears well up in my daughter’s eyes. Emotions got the better of me and before I knew it, I reacted. I was right up in his grill yet I never raised my hand or my voice…the look on my face and my body language said it all. I simply asked in a low, calm tone if there was a problem. Apparently, he believed it was OK to make comments to a young girl but didn’t have anything to say to a man. He and his buddies stepped off, skulking into the shadows while I went back and consoled my daughter. Being the coward that he was, he flipped me off and muttered some comment in an attempt to save face once he was a safe distance away. He wasn’t worth the effort. I wasn’t proud of my actions…this is not the lesson I had hoped to teach my daughters about handling conflict. Physical confrontation never resolves anything. Fortunately, this so called man and his buddies beat feet with their tails between their legs as the situation could have become very ugly.
As an aside, my daughter is doing much better these days. Various treatments have minimized the scars, leaving most of the marks imperceptible to all except those who know. More importantly, the scars on the inside are also mending. She has dealt with her situation with courage and understanding far beyond her years. I only hope that I follow her example now that it is my turn… -
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Jack and Tony, thanks for further elucidating and emphasizing the need to exhibit, not just brute strength, but strength of character; for what will it profit a man to crush every foe and never conquer the vacuous pride and volatility that surely comes before many a downfall.
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Permalink Reply by Bogopaisa on
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I would like to start off by saying hello to all husbands and supporters!!! And of course a loud and boisterous greeting to everyone experiencing Alopecia. I found the subject of this discussion completely relevant to our own experience....let me clarify: perhaps it's not just the staring from others, but perhaps the way in which a person feels about themselves that could also produce, or heighten, the sensation of being stared at.
I cannot say I have not noticed other folks looking (not necessarily staring) with curiousity. I feel it is indeed rude, but I also know that not one odd look, not one whispered comment, keeps me from reminding my wife how beautiful she is. She was beautiful the day I met her...and she is beautiful today...and she will be beautiful tomorrow.
I know this is a very life changing experience and it has been very very hard for her. I, as I've reminded her on more than one occassion, tell her that we need to move ahead. WE need to move ahead with what WE need to do to live our lives to the fullest. That means focusing on our education, goals, and our--God willing--family! We are each other's inspiration and though there are people who may make her more self conscious, I believe that we are powerful enough to dismiss any ill-remarks or strange looks.
I recognize that there may be sometimes that she is uncomfortable wherever we may be....but I'll be there to comfort her and remind her--as she knows--of the bigger picture at hand. -
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"...but perhaps the way in which a person feels about themselves that could also produce, or heighten, the sensation of being stared at."
Ya know, Bogopaisa, I'm learning this more and more each day from my alopecic and adorable fiancee. As I indicated in an earlier reply, she handles staring so well simply by not handling it at all. It's true, indeed, that you will acknowledge what you do not permit yourself to see. -
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Permalink Reply by Katherine Green on
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Just to make comment on staring, I am not trying to justify it in any way ,but sometimes we must be careful not to accuse people of staring when they may be looking beyond you & wrapped up in their own world.
Sometimes they may be facing in your direction & may not have noticed you at all.
I can (Almost) undrstand why some people would stare if the saw somebody with AA or AU;
There is an element of having to consider the frailties of humanity, the "Oh my god, that could happen to me" "I hope its not catching" "That looks wierd" etc.
This deep rooted discomfort/fear is in all of us and it takes different situations to which it will manifest itself,One form is staring.
All we can do is to carry on with our lives and hopefully the `starer` will realise that although we may seem different on the outside, should they look beyond that they will realise that there is nothing to be afraid of.
However, Yes, i am fully aware that there are some idiots out there whom not only stare, but like to make comments too;
Such people need help !
Cheers
K.x -
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