Hello ladies,

It's been a minute since I've been in touch with any of you, but you all know how life can get in the way at times. This past month has been a rather hectic one, to say the least. My 13 yr. old son has been missing school at least one day out of every week for the past month. He's been complaining about a sore throat, so about a week or so ago, I took him to the doctor. They said it was allergies and were supposedly setting him up to have allergy tests done on him. It's been a whole week and I still haven't been called bad to setup an appointment. In the meantime, some other things have been bothering him so I took him on another appointment to a different doctor today. We're having to have lab work done now. Apparently, his symptoms of fatigue, nausea, sleeplessness and all over body ache are symptoms of mononucleosis, including the swollen tonsils and swollen lymph nodes that suggested he had allergies. Something else for me to worry through all weekend...

That's just for starters. Last November, I had requested from my doctor that I see a therapist, because I felt like the stress level in my life had become overwhelming. I also had asked that my daughter (16) see one as well. During our first session, my daughter revealed that my ex-husband/her stepdad had molested her from the age of 3, when I married him, to the age of 12, when I left him. Of course, that sent our lives into a tailspin, resulting in a court case that stripped him of all rights to his only son (the 13 yr old): the only child that he and I had together. During that whole process, it was ordered by the court that we attend therapy for that situation, and ironically, at that time, I was diagnosed with being clinically depressed. Depression is actually something I've been suffering with all my life, but because of everything that's been going on, it all came crashing down on me all at once. I decided to file for disability due to the depression. I'm actually torn between going through with the process, because, for now, I seem to be doing better with the depression. Not only that, the paperwork and questions I'm having to answer just seem like a complete waste of time. I feel like I have to be balled up in the corner, drooling and unable to function at all in order to even be considered for the disability. My depression does affect my daily life at times, but not to the point that I can't take care of myself and my kids; but I feel as if that's EXACTLY what they want me to be in order to qualify.

One of the main things that has overshadowed me all my life is the fact that my own stepdad did the same thing to me. The difference was that I was 18. People may think "well you were an adult, so you could've said no", but it wasn't that simple. My stepdad is one of those who knows how to have a certain mind control over people. He had me feeling like I had no choice. As a result, I had 2 children by him. It's a very long story to say the least, and only those who have been through something similar would be able to understand. Of course, it's the last thing I would want happening to my daughter, so to find out that all those years, thinking I was married to a man who would never think about doing it, to find out now that he did EXACTLY what I feared...I was totally devastated. It made me feel as if I had failed as a parent and at protecting my daughter. It even made me question who I thought I was as a woman--a person and every major decision I have ever made when it came to my kids, and to theirs and my wellbeing.

I know there's no real question in all of this, but if any of you can relate, please feel free to share. I just felt the need to "vent to the girls". It just seems like I'm always having to struggle with something in life or that things seem to come harder for me than others. I know that's not the case, however. I know there are others out there who have it worse than I do.

As far as the alopecia goes, I still haven't left the apartment with an uncovered head, but at least I'm now to the point where I no longer scramble for a bandana or wig when someone knocks at the door. So far, it's only been my son's friends who've been at the door (sigh), but I feel the momentum building and the dramatic music in the background...LOL