Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
always somewhere in the middle
when i was a teenager, each time i woke up and got ready in the mirror, i had less and less hair. my first solution was to close the shades on the window behind the mirror so that you could not see the light through my hair. but then that didnt work for long. then i started hanging a black towel behind my head as i got ready in the mirror, and the darkness of the towel tricked my eye into thinking my thin dark hair was full. that wasnt enough after a while either. i discovered the miracle of the flat iron, and i would iron my hair every day so that my hair was so straight i could sculpt a female combover. i wore a black headband and strategically wore it to cover up the see through parts of my hair. i was desperately afraid of the sun outside, i became a night owl. and my bedroom was so dark with dark curtains. this was all so i could hide. i was also desperately afraid of the rain. it took a long time to fashion my hair to my liking (ie: tolerance), and the rain was my nemesis. no daytime. no sun. no rain. no swimming. no sweating. no pictures. (the flash always somehow found the baldness... ). when i look back at my teenage years, well, its amazing that i was a pleasant person to be around and that people actually liked me...i say this cause looking back i was one miserable girl. i hated my self. of course with the hair loss in high school it was especially distressing attempt to come of age in a healthy way. i was equally in a constant battle with the rest of my body as well. i thought i was fat. i thought i was fat and bald at 14. not a good place to be. not hot.
in college, my flat iron broke and my regimen had to change quickly. i had to leave my dorm room un-ironed! this was frightening. i called the hairdresser that i was going to before i left for college in my home town, and drove 3 hours home to have her cut my hair off. and she did.
best thing i ever did for myself.
i started experimenting with bleached blond hair, it matched my scalp better. you could still see through it but not as much. i had found a new "mask" so to speak. and so my compulsion developed. and my mood grew more and more dependent on thursday nights : bleach hair. friday mornings : barber shop for a haircut. i also realized at this time that a barber was the best option for me, as they deal with men with thinning hair all the time, right? i found my guy. he saved the chair for me every friday morning at 8 am. lord knows i didnt miss a friday for four years. at the perfect length and the perfect bleaching, i was passing.
after college:
friends would ask if i wanted to hang out or go someplace on thursday nights, and i said no. i really was "staying home to wash my hair". i would hide in my room and bleach and then shower it off and not want anyone to see me until after my cut friday morning. lets just say this is a hard and disfunctional way to live, especially with roommates!
this was so called a successful way to live for many years to come...i was obsessed with the progression of the hair loss. more bleach. shorter cuts. less hair. obsessed.
THEN I WOKE UP.
meanwhile when all that was going on, i was missing out on life. college is a depressing blur. there were relationships/crushes requited and unrequited , and social events, classes, interships, yes. but i wasnt really there. i was in my head. i was my hair. (hairloss).
my life changed drastically when my father unexpectedly passed away of a heart attack. i guess during those kinds of events you really re evaluate your life. i looked in the mirror and wondered what do i really want to do with my life. what is it that i care about the most? i looked in the mirror and the girl that looked back at me was not as ugly as she thought. i signed up for beauty college the next day. i wanted to help and spend my time around women like me.
i shaved my head. i became a hairstylist. the irony knocked people off their feet, and still does. but my "sisters" know me as normal. it took many years for me to train and gain the experience that would give me the confidence i have today with hairstyling. i have grown to love cutting hair...real hair on real hair growing people.....its like sculpture, and if i cant have it on my head, i want a chance to play with theirs...and also....i love to cut wigs, and style hairpieces. i also love to have my private clients come into the salon and feel comfortable with me that they are among a bald headed sister. who knew?
its been ten years and i am loving my job. i like so much to be available and share stories about how we hide our hairloss from people, and that i was able to escape that way of thinking by shaving my head.
i still suffer from depression, its true. just cause i am a support for other women with hairloss, i still very much wish i had hair, and i dont hide that with any of my clients. i am just making lemonade out of lemons i guess you could say. i dont have a truly happy relationship with my body, but i imagine like so many women, that will be a struggle for time to come...the difference is that i am working on it everyday and act as if i have chosen this body, this bald head, and take it from there, one day at a time...
anyway, this is the beginning of my story. hopefully i will have the attention and patience to write more about my experience with alopecia.
so why did i title this 'in the middle'?
i have androgenetic alopecia. also called female pattern baldness. (how unpretty that sounds). the universalis girls think i am just a girl with hair over reacting. the thick haired girls think i am sick or ill. where do i fit in? yes, i could have hair if i wanted to. i could stop shaving my head and see what is actually growing there...but....the shiny see through hairs that i can count keep me in a league sort of undefined and with no allegence to a particular community. i want into all communities! i can relate to so many strifes of total hair loss b/c i live that way. i can relate the areata because i have had to "hide" my bald spots. i can relate to people with hair because i could spend the rest of my life with a bleaching regimen and a dependence on such chemicals for satisfaction in the mirror. where do i belong? there is a relating to all sides and yet also having my own personal experience with my own world, body, and life.
still looking for my "people".
in college, my flat iron broke and my regimen had to change quickly. i had to leave my dorm room un-ironed! this was frightening. i called the hairdresser that i was going to before i left for college in my home town, and drove 3 hours home to have her cut my hair off. and she did.
best thing i ever did for myself.
i started experimenting with bleached blond hair, it matched my scalp better. you could still see through it but not as much. i had found a new "mask" so to speak. and so my compulsion developed. and my mood grew more and more dependent on thursday nights : bleach hair. friday mornings : barber shop for a haircut. i also realized at this time that a barber was the best option for me, as they deal with men with thinning hair all the time, right? i found my guy. he saved the chair for me every friday morning at 8 am. lord knows i didnt miss a friday for four years. at the perfect length and the perfect bleaching, i was passing.
after college:
friends would ask if i wanted to hang out or go someplace on thursday nights, and i said no. i really was "staying home to wash my hair". i would hide in my room and bleach and then shower it off and not want anyone to see me until after my cut friday morning. lets just say this is a hard and disfunctional way to live, especially with roommates!
this was so called a successful way to live for many years to come...i was obsessed with the progression of the hair loss. more bleach. shorter cuts. less hair. obsessed.
THEN I WOKE UP.
meanwhile when all that was going on, i was missing out on life. college is a depressing blur. there were relationships/crushes requited and unrequited , and social events, classes, interships, yes. but i wasnt really there. i was in my head. i was my hair. (hairloss).
my life changed drastically when my father unexpectedly passed away of a heart attack. i guess during those kinds of events you really re evaluate your life. i looked in the mirror and wondered what do i really want to do with my life. what is it that i care about the most? i looked in the mirror and the girl that looked back at me was not as ugly as she thought. i signed up for beauty college the next day. i wanted to help and spend my time around women like me.
i shaved my head. i became a hairstylist. the irony knocked people off their feet, and still does. but my "sisters" know me as normal. it took many years for me to train and gain the experience that would give me the confidence i have today with hairstyling. i have grown to love cutting hair...real hair on real hair growing people.....its like sculpture, and if i cant have it on my head, i want a chance to play with theirs...and also....i love to cut wigs, and style hairpieces. i also love to have my private clients come into the salon and feel comfortable with me that they are among a bald headed sister. who knew?
its been ten years and i am loving my job. i like so much to be available and share stories about how we hide our hairloss from people, and that i was able to escape that way of thinking by shaving my head.
i still suffer from depression, its true. just cause i am a support for other women with hairloss, i still very much wish i had hair, and i dont hide that with any of my clients. i am just making lemonade out of lemons i guess you could say. i dont have a truly happy relationship with my body, but i imagine like so many women, that will be a struggle for time to come...the difference is that i am working on it everyday and act as if i have chosen this body, this bald head, and take it from there, one day at a time...
anyway, this is the beginning of my story. hopefully i will have the attention and patience to write more about my experience with alopecia.
so why did i title this 'in the middle'?
i have androgenetic alopecia. also called female pattern baldness. (how unpretty that sounds). the universalis girls think i am just a girl with hair over reacting. the thick haired girls think i am sick or ill. where do i fit in? yes, i could have hair if i wanted to. i could stop shaving my head and see what is actually growing there...but....the shiny see through hairs that i can count keep me in a league sort of undefined and with no allegence to a particular community. i want into all communities! i can relate to so many strifes of total hair loss b/c i live that way. i can relate the areata because i have had to "hide" my bald spots. i can relate to people with hair because i could spend the rest of my life with a bleaching regimen and a dependence on such chemicals for satisfaction in the mirror. where do i belong? there is a relating to all sides and yet also having my own personal experience with my own world, body, and life.
still looking for my "people".
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Comment by Dotty on April 5, 2008 at 1:48am
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Hi Emily,
I just want to tell you that I totally enjoyed reading your story, and that I am definitely on of "your people." The type of hairloss you suffer from doesn't even matter. We all share that special bond that I call my extended family, or my "people." You are unique, confident, and absolutely beautiful!!! I look forward to sharing some more of your journey with you. BTW.....I love your tats. Maybe I can get a better pic of them someday. Keep being you, and you will find more of your "people."
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Comment by Trina on April 5, 2008 at 11:56pm
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Hi Emily,
I enjoyed your story and we are all the same. We each suffe through this and that makes you one of us. I still have my days when I am sad and wish I would wake up with a long head of hair but hey life throws what it must. We are all your people. Heck I got more hair on my head then half of america because of the beauty supply store and I have universal look at the irony of that..... thank goodness you can buy hair at the store lol
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Comment by kastababy on April 7, 2008 at 7:11am
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Hi Emily,
I truly enjoyed reading your story this morning. My father died unexpectedly of a heart attack as well (at age 41), and I can totally identify with the wake up call you receive when such a devastating loss occurs. I will be posting my own story shortly, so you can see where I'm coming from a little clearer. And to me, it doesn't matter what type of alopecia you have; alopecia can be so devastating to the healthy development of self-esteem. Regardless of what type you have, dealing with it as a teenager can be excruciating. Keep sharing your thoughts and feelings -- they are helping more people than you know!
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Comment by Yvonne~Yhoney on April 8, 2008 at 1:40am
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Hey Emily,
Girl we are family here...we all share in the same feelings you do the feeling of being in the middle. Hair loss is hair loss and for a female it does not matter what type it is...it is a loss of a dear friend, a body part… We all go through sad days of the loss, but we have to keep moving or get stuck… Keep doing what you do Girl...Make your works of art in hair! :)
~Yvonne
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Comment by Vicsta on September 26, 2008 at 10:10am
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Hey - came to your page from the new fbp group...
In some ways your story could be mine... I have done the combover, I have avoided sun and rain and bright lights and felt damned miserable. I have shaved my head and felt liberated. At the moment I am back in the 'have grown hair to see what exists of it' stage and am sporting a fetching combover ;o)!!
I too have wondered... where do I fit. I explain the headscarf with the 'I have alopecia' line, but sometimes I question if I am a fraud because there are women with other forms of alopecia who would crave to have the hair I do have, however, I realise that it doesn't mean that I am not going through my own journey trying to cope with what is happening to me. The general public no more readily accept my hairloss because after all... they believe: "women are meant to have a full head of hair... aren't they?"
It was comforting to read your story so far and remember that there are other women out there just like me!
Vicky
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Comment by CSue on September 27, 2008 at 12:10pm
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I really enjoyed your story. I wish you were my hairdresser. My stylist tried to convince me to continue perming my hair to "disguise" the thinning, but I knew from the last year or so that I permed my hair that it wasn't hiding anything. I also noticed that a woman I know who keeps her hair bleached and cut super short actually has fairly thin hair on top (although not as thin as mine). I considered trying that but only for a second as that color wouldn't really suit me with my skin tone & eyes, so I decided to cut it super short & wear wigs & hats. I wish I could cut my hair myself because I can't go to the stylist often enough to keep it as short as I want it. Also, she doesn't really cut it as short as I want it and I think she figures if she leaves it a little too long I'll come back more often, but time constraints don't allow me to do that. At first I was really uncomfortable barring my head in a shop full of customers with a full head of hair, but I'm starting to get used to it now.
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Comment by Victoria Laughren on October 9, 2008 at 9:28pm
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Emily,
I loved reading this. Thanks for sharing your story, beautiful tattoos as well. I must admit that having an awesome hairdresser counts! Not just ones that are have a sheer talent but ones that make you feel comfortable. I have AA and FPB. I'm watching my scalp come through and my beautiful curls limp out every day. I hope that one day I can have your courage just like many women and go off with the hair!
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Comment by dollydreadful on January 8, 2009 at 10:23pm
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emily i just took the time to read this and just for the record i relate -
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Comment by emily on January 8, 2009 at 10:40pm
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thanks D!
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Comment by SF_lisa on March 6, 2009 at 1:36pm
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hi emily, you moved me to tears. i have gone through a similar journey and although i have not shaved my head, (i have thought about it many times) i have delt with most of the stuff you mentioned. i live in SF and wear hairpieces (wish i had a job where i could go bald and still keep it) and would love to have you as my fake-hair-dresser! i actually found your salon on yelp and will give you a call today to chat.
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