when i was a teenager, each time i woke up and got ready in the mirror, i had less and less hair. my first solution was to close the shades on the window behind the mirror so that you could not see the light through my hair. but then that didnt work for long. then i started hanging a black towel behind my head as i got ready in the mirror, and the darkness of the towel tricked my eye into thinking my thin dark hair was full. that wasnt enough after a while either. i discovered the miracle of the flat iron, and i would iron my hair every day so that my hair was so straight i could sculpt a female combover. i wore a black headband and strategically wore it to cover up the see through parts of my hair. i was desperately afraid of the sun outside, i became a night owl. and my bedroom was so dark with dark curtains. this was all so i could hide. i was also desperately afraid of the rain. it took a long time to fashion my hair to my liking (ie: tolerance), and the rain was my nemesis. no daytime. no sun. no rain. no swimming. no sweating. no pictures. (the flash always somehow found the baldness... ). when i look back at my teenage years, well, its amazing that i was a pleasant person to be around and that people actually liked me...i say this cause looking back i was one miserable girl. i hated my self. of course with the hair loss in high school it was especially distressing attempt to come of age in a healthy way. i was equally in a constant battle with the rest of my body as well. i thought i was fat. i thought i was fat and bald at 14. not a good place to be. not hot.

in college, my flat iron broke and my regimen had to change quickly. i had to leave my dorm room un-ironed! this was frightening. i called the hairdresser that i was going to before i left for college in my home town, and drove 3 hours home to have her cut my hair off. and she did.

best thing i ever did for myself.

i started experimenting with bleached blond hair, it matched my scalp better. you could still see through it but not as much. i had found a new "mask" so to speak. and so my compulsion developed. and my mood grew more and more dependent on thursday nights : bleach hair. friday mornings : barber shop for a haircut. i also realized at this time that a barber was the best option for me, as they deal with men with thinning hair all the time, right? i found my guy. he saved the chair for me every friday morning at 8 am. lord knows i didnt miss a friday for four years. at the perfect length and the perfect bleaching, i was passing.

after college:

friends would ask if i wanted to hang out or go someplace on thursday nights, and i said no. i really was "staying home to wash my hair". i would hide in my room and bleach and then shower it off and not want anyone to see me until after my cut friday morning. lets just say this is a hard and disfunctional way to live, especially with roommates!

this was so called a successful way to live for many years to come...i was obsessed with the progression of the hair loss. more bleach. shorter cuts. less hair. obsessed.

THEN I WOKE UP.

meanwhile when all that was going on, i was missing out on life. college is a depressing blur. there were relationships/crushes requited and unrequited , and social events, classes, interships, yes. but i wasnt really there. i was in my head. i was my hair. (hairloss).

my life changed drastically when my father unexpectedly passed away of a heart attack. i guess during those kinds of events you really re evaluate your life. i looked in the mirror and wondered what do i really want to do with my life. what is it that i care about the most? i looked in the mirror and the girl that looked back at me was not as ugly as she thought. i signed up for beauty college the next day. i wanted to help and spend my time around women like me.

i shaved my head. i became a hairstylist. the irony knocked people off their feet, and still does. but my "sisters" know me as normal. it took many years for me to train and gain the experience that would give me the confidence i have today with hairstyling. i have grown to love cutting hair...real hair on real hair growing people.....its like sculpture, and if i cant have it on my head, i want a chance to play with theirs...and also....i love to cut wigs, and style hairpieces. i also love to have my private clients come into the salon and feel comfortable with me that they are among a bald headed sister. who knew?

its been ten years and i am loving my job. i like so much to be available and share stories about how we hide our hairloss from people, and that i was able to escape that way of thinking by shaving my head.

i still suffer from depression, its true. just cause i am a support for other women with hairloss, i still very much wish i had hair, and i dont hide that with any of my clients. i am just making lemonade out of lemons i guess you could say. i dont have a truly happy relationship with my body, but i imagine like so many women, that will be a struggle for time to come...the difference is that i am working on it everyday and act as if i have chosen this body, this bald head, and take it from there, one day at a time...

anyway, this is the beginning of my story. hopefully i will have the attention and patience to write more about my experience with alopecia.

so why did i title this 'in the middle'?

i have androgenetic alopecia. also called female pattern baldness. (how unpretty that sounds). the universalis girls think i am just a girl with hair over reacting. the thick haired girls think i am sick or ill. where do i fit in? yes, i could have hair if i wanted to. i could stop shaving my head and see what is actually growing there...but....the shiny see through hairs that i can count keep me in a league sort of undefined and with no allegence to a particular community. i want into all communities! i can relate to so many strifes of total hair loss b/c i live that way. i can relate the areata because i have had to "hide" my bald spots. i can relate to people with hair because i could spend the rest of my life with a bleaching regimen and a dependence on such chemicals for satisfaction in the mirror. where do i belong? there is a relating to all sides and yet also having my own personal experience with my own world, body, and life.

still looking for my "people".