I noticed today a new self- talk pattern that puts in question my self- worth. I have said this inside:"What if retail security followed me because if my mohawk? What if my hairloss did not happen; would she have put me down so often? What if my baldness angered him to rape me?"

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Comment by Lili on November 22, 2011 at 9:58pm

Yeah... I have these thoughts a lot. Not just about hair loss, but a lot of things in general. The thing is, we can get lost in these what ifs and lose sight of the here and now, I think. I was writing to a friend I made on this site and she really opened my eyes about this.

Comment by Kycie on November 22, 2011 at 11:39pm
Thanks for the encouragement. The rape issues is too recent to let go of because I just reported last night. I have to remind myself that being a Psychotherapist, Psy.d , does not mean that knowledge of psychological processess , personal growth, grief/loss; ect., can ever replace the needing to just be
Within my present moment ; intrapsychic space. For me ( this my personal dichotomous journey , not just baldness,: I have to become " lost' to truely know within me- when I am found by me.
Comment by Tallgirl on November 23, 2011 at 12:49am

Huh?

Comment by Kycie on November 23, 2011 at 4:07am
Hi Tallgirl! One of the definitions of huh in the urban dictionary is: cimplete confusion and a reply to say the misunderstood phrase. Does this definition apply your " huh" If so, let me know which phrases of mine are completely confusing. I like the title on your private page! I too value taking people seriously, knowing that sometimes one just need a listening ear, or the emotional connection that validates another' s feelings in times of personal crisis. I hope we can be friends within this community forum. Take good care of yourself wherever you are in your life journey...
Comment by Tallgirl on November 23, 2011 at 10:10am

People are going to be who they are going to be, regardless of hair loss. Some try to blame the hair loss for things caused by personality, poor planning, overconfidence in an Eternally Sunny Sitcom World, whatever. Some even blindly believe in true love, then get one come-uppance or another in a relationship that says, Hey, I wasn't that important after all.

I am sorting out the things in life an almost-60-year-old does (empty nest, career, retirement, downsizing), and usually seek out those who have successfully solved these issues. I'll drop in on you young-uns once in awhile to spout off my teacherly and 49 years of knowing alopecia (or not, some years) advice. Sounds like counseling is in order for both of us. I had my own old-age-session-#2 last night! Biggest points: developing new relationship aspects with my grown children (the past is past, they have to be men, blah blah), and trying to find out who really DOES need me now.

Comment by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on November 23, 2011 at 9:38pm

I have to think that any kind of trauma shapes who you are and who you might become.

Comment by Tallgirl on November 23, 2011 at 10:44pm

...and, will it make you or break you? I choose to keep trying, learning, talking and pushing through. Sometimes when I get P.O.ed enough at indecision, I jump into a choice that shocks the heck out of everyone...like moving across country! I've done that three times already!

Comment by Kycie on November 24, 2011 at 6:36am
Sinsemilla( cool username- thanks for sharing some of your interior landscape with me." I get you girl and in sime level " you get me. I am going to write your comment down on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in my wallet. That way, when I feel lost and alone in my thoughts , I will remind myself of how wise you are. You are because you can find protection laying under the bed vulnerable, maybe scared; and yet within that intrapersonal space you contemplate and give meanings to unanswered questions. I admire you. And thank you for taking the time to share with me.
Comment by Kycie on November 24, 2011 at 6:44am
Tallgirl..., hey are you really short in stature yet tall in your interesting life stories? Seriously, I am pretty sure you are being directly honest with me, and I respect your flavor( was that ainbow sherbert, strawberry cheesecake, peanutbutter cup, or tin roof sunday. ( though I prefer a snickers flurry myself) you made me laugh just, so thanks for the personal discourse. And most importantly, thanks for some of your " self- revealing." Hey, do not just pop in , stay awhile, you might just like the connection???
Comment by Kycie on November 24, 2011 at 6:57am
Lillybell, ( love the dog by the way- thank you. You are right on. Trauma does reshape the individual. You hit in a profound truth, " who you might become.' I work with VOC patients and in working with young girls, this becomes a message of hope down the road in their healing journey. Interesting in the moment: if I had not been raped i may not have gone to my gynocologist( I put off that annual checkup for over 2 years. It turns out that I have symptoms of uterine cancer. My in office biopsy came back abnormal and the pathologist said my endometrial cells were very close tovstage ine. I have some more tests and surgery is in order. It is that" when the opens me up, I will know more and go from there. Take good care of yourself

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