Oh my dear friends, I am sorry I have not blogged in so long! I've been busy... blah blah what an excuse!...For that I apologize, but hey it's the best I got right now.

Right now, I am going to dig deep for a minute or so and really put some things out here. As you have seen my profile, I'm funny, witty, cocky, bold, etc. But I can feel it coming. I can sense it. It's right behind me, waiting patiently, ready to swallow me whole.For the last couple blogs where I've dabbled in here and complained about others not being aware of what I have, or being misunderstood, really only talking about Alopecia. Haha, yes I know what website I'm on!

My friends, life has worn me down to a little nub. A small insecure child, who is slowly but oh so surely fading out. Everyone has a sad story to tell. EVERYONE has lost someone, EVERYONE has been beaten down, EVERYONE has a bad day, a dead loved one, an a addiction. EVERYONE thinks they are dumb. EVERYONE asks themselves if they drink too much. EVERYONE works themselves to death, hahaha and for what? EVERYONE goes to college and STILL doesn't know what they are going for yet is working full time and going to school for time just because. EVERYONE thinks they are unique. EVERYONE thinks they are funny. EVERYONE hurts. EVERYONE thinks they will never actually be in love again. So what? My brother killed himself 2 years ago on Feb.8th, my family is still damaged from this, both of my parents don't work, my mom just lost her job a couple months ago, yay Michigan. Oh what's that? The world's smallest violin playing your personal sob story. I understand, I won't go there.


I'll let you in on a little secret.... I've found out how to escape my life!!!! Oh it's working because that's what I have to do to cope. I fade out, my eyes are glazed as I look out my dirty driver side window. I wonder if the car next to me can hear my music. Ah who cares, Classical music would do the world good anyways screw it. What day is it? What is the time? As my eyes focus on the road when the light turns green I glance at the time. Oh my 3:30pm that's weird the last time I looked at the clock it was 11:24pm. Again I go back to focusing on the road... which is a good thing of course. I can't wait to go home. But then it hits me, I never get time off. I try to pull memories out of my head, but all I can see is a ford truck in front of me riding their brakes.

What the hell? I had a couple hours off yesterday... what did I do? Did I go to school yesterday? I know I worked twice that day... What do I do when I go home? What do I do when I have time off. A slight wave of panic hits me, and wildly my brain starts to swarm. Weeks, hours, days, months, minutes.... I can't focus.
I grab my ipod and switch from classical to Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith, ah yea that's more like it. I drop my ipod in the seat next to me and then grab my pack of cigarettes and take one out, this song calls for it. I instantly start to relax as I take a long drag. Smoke fills my car quickly so I roll down the window. Oh wow, 12 degrees IS really cold especially when it's hitting in the face while your diving 40 miles and hour.

Oh save me. I settle down again and go back to what I was thinking about before... what was I thinking about before? Trouble knowing what I do when I'm off work? Time in general? Winter? Smoking? Aerosmith?
I accidentally hit my knuckle on the shifter, ouch. It's still swollen from when I punched the bowling alley's monitor. Well if I made the shot he bought me a shot if I missed I had to buy him. Of course four pitchers in and I miss the shot and so one not knowing my own strength and two being drunk to when you feel your body having a armor of numbness, I decided to punch the monitor. Armor of numbness oh it's oh so lovely. Next day my hand is completely purple yellow green and swollen. The colors are pretty though.

I am fading out. What I've realized is that I have this awesome gift of like just barely living on survival mode only because I am not happy with my life! Now you might be thinking well, um I don't mean to burst your happy little bubble but everyone has survival mode. Ok ok yea but most people go into that when lives are threatened or something insanely traumatic happens. Again you might think well your brother dying in front of you was pretty traumatic, sure I'll give you that, but I'm over that, it's been two years. I accept he's not coming back, that he won't be able to see his own sons grow up, that he left behind his fiance to raise his son by herself. I accept that my parents favored him and they are grieving still and that it will always be about him. He was a talented brilliant man who was crippled by addiction and mental problems, loved by everyone, taken to soon. But that is only but a blip of it all, like this blog right here and now is only a blip into it all. Just like your blogs as well...

So, the one thing I've noticed is that because I'm survival mode for some reason it's taking my life away from me. My memories are few. I live day to day. Check to check. I'm sleeping. Who I used to be is sleeping and this other robot who was created is now taking control and doing things. School, work, school, work, school. Well la ti da give me a freakin medal right? Isn't everyone else doing the same thing? Work kids wife husband work kids blah.
I ain't gonna lie it does bother me that I am 23 years can't afford to live on my own, and I'm the only one who works in my family. And yes, it does bother me that I pay for all my bills and for school out of my own pocket. New clothes? Shopping? Friends? Life? Fun?

What are those odd things you speak of!! I'll tell you one thing, "There ain't no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees, I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed, ain't nothing in this world for free. No I can't slow down, I can't hold back though you know I wish I could." Oh how my personal anthem has been playing in my head for seems like days now...

I pull into my driveway and turn off the car. I stare out my window. The engine still roars without exhaustion or feeling. The cold creeps in through the cracks of the windows and plastic. It seeps in like a poison and I shiver. I stare out my window looking blankly at the house I live in. The bricks are still bright red after all these years. I wonder what time it is now, I wonder how much time actually matters. I ponder for awhile. My mind flows in and out of wild subjects like my soul, God, pure love, hate, and blind rage, school work, my boss, my family, music I long to make, people I long to see, feelings I long to have. I love inspiration. I love when it flows through me as if it were apart of my energy and personal DNA make up. All in day, I silently shut off my car and clumsy get out of the car. I drop my keys a light falls out of my pocket in a swift motion of stepping up the porch I open the door with my body and force to realize quickly the door is locked. Crap.... I grab my keys from my pockets, my phone falls out of my jacket. This is it. That is me. I am living. I am here. I am not lost. I claim to be in survival mode and that it's great because then I don't have to deal with life... lets be realistic. I want to live. I do. Slap me around a little, I like it I swear, maybe then I can get out of this daze. This smokes screen in front of my eyes. As I finally get my key in the lock I step into the warmness of my house and my mind turns off for the day.

As you can tell this is not like any other blog I have had before.... This may depress you, impress you, inspire, cry, laugh at, laugh with, hate, outrage, love, or whatever. But instead of the small talk bs you have gotten from me before you will see a different turn hopefully. Something more full bodied, I am to exhausted to have a wall, for now it's coming down. My true feelings are spilling out so much that soon I fear I will be empty.