Alopecia World
Where acceptance is all there is!
Dating was already hard, and then all my hair fell out in 1 year
I am basically 6 feet tall (5' 11 1/2"). Dating was already hard because of my height. Most guys are attracted to average height women. I was shy and a very late bloomer--didn't start dating seriously until age 30. Over 10 years, I had one crappy or bad relationship after another. Nothing lasted very long, was cheated on, etc.
2 years ago, I finally figured out the kind of man I really wanted. I broke up with the boyfriend I had at the time because we were not right for each other. He was somewhat selfish and self-absorbed, and not caring enough. My hair had started to fall out here and there before that.
My father went into a nursing home at that time--4/2016. My hair fell out more and more. Before he passed in 10/2016 , I had almost no hair left on my head. < Later I shaved off what little was left and continued to try to cope with my father's passing.
I got a wig, and tried not to give up hope to meet a good man. I tried online dating for the millionth time in my life. Shortly thereafter, I started dating a guy.
Our relationship lasted 3 months. He said he was o.k. with my medical condition--alopecia universalis. Near the end of the relationship, I'd hug him and he'd move his head as far away from my wig as he could get. He wasn't ok with it, obviously.
A couple of weeks ago, I went on a third date with a guy I had met online. I had cancelled my account shortly after he and I started dating. I couldn't take the ups and downs anymore. I had read advice that you should tell your date about your alopecia on the third date. I did so. I texted him after he went home on our third date, with a couple of links about my condition. He said he had to think about next steps and ghosted me after that.
The blow to my self-confidence has been very bad. I am 41, have finally figured out the kind of guy I want, and it seems very unlikely I'll ever meet him now. I live in a rural area and am in my permanent home. I work two jobs in the spring and summer. I've been passed by a lot because I am tall. I have been rejected twice because I'm bald. My age really doesn't help things either.
I guess I'm just trying to cope with all of this. I had a full head of very thick hair for 38 years of my life. I'm trying to cope with the likelihood that one of the things I've wanted the most in my life may never happen--a positive long-term relationship with a good man. I'm trying to overcome some pretty difficult sadness as a result.
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Comment by Gretchen on May 29, 2018 at 10:14pm
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Cue ball (sorry, don’t know your name),
Thank you, you have some very good points. I appreciate what you said. I agree with the positive self concept ideas and thoughts. I will keep it in mind if I ever do try to date again. I’m too busy and too burned out to try anymore. Thanks and take care,
Kathryn.
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Comment by Cue Ball of Steel on May 28, 2018 at 12:19am
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So situation: There's the physical you and the personality you.
Physical: You have things you like and things you don't, as does everyone. One big glaring thing you don't like is the lack of hair, which is emphasized as feminine beauty in our society - I understand. What do you like? Is there anything you dislike that can be changed (fitness, etc). It's really hard to see when you're in the situation, but being bald does not automatically result in being ugly. You have to learn to somehow see past the baldness, if not as an asset, than as a neutral physical trait (like an elbow).
Personality: This is important. People can sense insecurity from a mile away. People will be more drawn to you if you have self respect and give off the impression of confidence. This can often be acheived in a "fake it till you make it" sense. Maybe even try going without the wig one day, just to see how it feels. The wig can make you feel like there's a big secret and make you act insecure.
You have to somehow convince yourself that you are attractive and cool, and worthy of a good partner.
It's just straight up messed up that a ~40 year old man thinks ghosting a date is appropriate. You'll encounter some losers, that's just the way of the world. But you have to remember that those people aren't really worth your time or effort.
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Thank you Leslie! You’re very kind. Sounds like you had a good outlook when you started online dating. We’re both lucky we can enjoy solitude because of our backgrounds. It’s definitely nice to have a guy in my life, but I will not plan on that happening. Just have to keep moving forward!
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Comment by LeslieAnn Butler on May 24, 2018 at 6:49pm
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Yes! Me too. I was an only child and I enjoy my own company -- sounds like you do, too. You are gorgeous and anyone who has half a brain will appreciate you!
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Michelle,
Thank you for your advice. I’ve been working with myself to prepare myself to be alone, not assuming it, but trying to plan for the future just for myself. The plus side to things is I’ve been alone /single more of my life than not, so it’s not as hard for me as it might be for someone who has experienced the opposite.
It’s best to try to be happy with what is, that’s true. Thanks and take care,
Kathryn.
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Michelle makes a good point -- you have to be okay with the possibility of ending up alone. I just decided I wanted to be happy, whether it was with someone or not. And then going ahead with online dating. That made it interesting to meet people, and not having any set expectations. I made some great friends -- of course there were some odd ducks thrown in too -- but it all makes great stories! Hugs to you.
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Just wanted to say thank you again and blessings to all of you!!! You have helped me so much! Thank you for being generous enough to share your stories, advice and encouragement.
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Kathi,
Thank you so much for what you said. I know that you are right about self-love and acceptance. I've had to try to do the talk in front of the mirror many times in my life, as I have struggled with self-image before.
The mantra you mentioned, "I am not my hair"--that is excellent!! I hadn't thought of that one! That is a very good idea. There's a lot of research out there about being able to rewire our brains from negative thought pathways to positive ones. A friend of mine mentioned this, and I think I heard it on the radio too (National Public Radio) that you can start that re-wiring process by simply repeating things out loud to yourself. I used to do that. I have to start again.
I have been forcing myself to look at my bald head in the mirror and not cover it up and not look at it in revulsion. I have been working on appreciating myself the way I am. I will add your mantra and other positive self talk as I do this every day. Thank you very much for the suggestions!
I'd love to chat further! I welcome new friends! Thank you so much and take care,
Kathryn.
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Ty,
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences. I a very sorry for the loss of your mother. Cancer is a terrible and painful. I hope that things get easier over time. I am so sorry you had to go through what you went through in childhood and with dating and impatient / superficial women because of aphasia. That sounds very difficult! It is wonderful to hear that you have succeeded in many ways in life in spite of it! I am not ready to go without my wig because of various reasons--fear, anxiety, especially in today's political climate. I live in an extremely politically conservative area. I thank you though. I might try it sometime. Blessings and thanks to you,
Kathryn.
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Heather,
Thank you so much for all you said! That is awesome that you met a man who loves you for you! And your first date was in Paris--how romantic is that!
Thank you for the condolences for my father. Very sorry for the loss of your father. The good memories are what help us when we miss them.
I have struggled with what you struggled with--loss of confidence, feeling unattractive, etc. After the most recent bad date experience, for the first time in my life I actually felt ugly. I know that our culture's ideals of 'beauty' and attractiveness are far-fetched, fake and unattainable by most, but reconciling that most people buy into them is the hard part. The hard part is realizing that being passed over by the majority of men is going to be even more the norm for me, and it used to just be because of my height.
I know all of us are still beautiful in spite of what society's false ideals of beauty are. I know it's crap to think that things are impossible--you are very right! I thank you for reminding me of that. I would definitely date a guy who is missing a limb, a guy who has alopecia, who is blind or has burns. I think all of this is possible. It might take a really long time because as I mentioned, I live in a very rural area and don't do much other than go to work and come home and then do my part-time work, and either run or bicycle. The only other thing I do is go to church every other weekend, as I work every other weekend.
You are very right on the working on developing self-love and inner radiance as well as believing that I am deserving of love. I have had to work on correct and unconditional self-love and acceptance for many years because I had some struggles with self-image my whole life. Believing I am deserving of love--I guess I hadn't thought consciously about that enough. I will have to dive in my brain and see if some of my beliefs are wrong--maybe that's part of the problem. In thinking just now, I think part of me never believed it would happen and that I would always be passed by and things would fail or never last. That's certainly an epiphany!!
Thank you so much for your faith and sharing your story! Thank you for the positive and true affirmations. I would love to chat with you further--that'd be great! Thank you so much and take care,
Kathryn.
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