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Dating was already hard, and then all my hair fell out in 1 year
I am basically 6 feet tall (5' 11 1/2"). Dating was already hard because of my height. Most guys are attracted to average height women. I was shy and a very late bloomer--didn't start dating seriously until age 30. Over 10 years, I had one crappy or bad relationship after another. Nothing lasted very long, was cheated on, etc.
2 years ago, I finally figured out the kind of man I really wanted. I broke up with the boyfriend I had at the time because we were not right for each other. He was somewhat selfish and self-absorbed, and not caring enough. My hair had started to fall out here and there before that.
My father went into a nursing home at that time--4/2016. My hair fell out more and more. Before he passed in 10/2016 , I had almost no hair left on my head. < Later I shaved off what little was left and continued to try to cope with my father's passing.
I got a wig, and tried not to give up hope to meet a good man. I tried online dating for the millionth time in my life. Shortly thereafter, I started dating a guy.
Our relationship lasted 3 months. He said he was o.k. with my medical condition--alopecia universalis. Near the end of the relationship, I'd hug him and he'd move his head as far away from my wig as he could get. He wasn't ok with it, obviously.
A couple of weeks ago, I went on a third date with a guy I had met online. I had cancelled my account shortly after he and I started dating. I couldn't take the ups and downs anymore. I had read advice that you should tell your date about your alopecia on the third date. I did so. I texted him after he went home on our third date, with a couple of links about my condition. He said he had to think about next steps and ghosted me after that.
The blow to my self-confidence has been very bad. I am 41, have finally figured out the kind of guy I want, and it seems very unlikely I'll ever meet him now. I live in a rural area and am in my permanent home. I work two jobs in the spring and summer. I've been passed by a lot because I am tall. I have been rejected twice because I'm bald. My age really doesn't help things either.
I guess I'm just trying to cope with all of this. I had a full head of very thick hair for 38 years of my life. I'm trying to cope with the likelihood that one of the things I've wanted the most in my life may never happen--a positive long-term relationship with a good man. I'm trying to overcome some pretty difficult sadness as a result.
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Comment by Gretchen on May 22, 2018 at 10:16am
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Kathi,
Thank you so much for what you said. I know that you are right about self-love and acceptance. I've had to try to do the talk in front of the mirror many times in my life, as I have struggled with self-image before.
The mantra you mentioned, "I am not my hair"--that is excellent!! I hadn't thought of that one! That is a very good idea. There's a lot of research out there about being able to rewire our brains from negative thought pathways to positive ones. A friend of mine mentioned this, and I think I heard it on the radio too (National Public Radio) that you can start that re-wiring process by simply repeating things out loud to yourself. I used to do that. I have to start again.
I have been forcing myself to look at my bald head in the mirror and not cover it up and not look at it in revulsion. I have been working on appreciating myself the way I am. I will add your mantra and other positive self talk as I do this every day. Thank you very much for the suggestions!
I'd love to chat further! I welcome new friends! Thank you so much and take care,
Kathryn.
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Just wanted to say thank you again and blessings to all of you!!! You have helped me so much! Thank you for being generous enough to share your stories, advice and encouragement.
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Comment by LeslieAnn Butler on May 24, 2018 at 3:21pm
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Michelle makes a good point -- you have to be okay with the possibility of ending up alone. I just decided I wanted to be happy, whether it was with someone or not. And then going ahead with online dating. That made it interesting to meet people, and not having any set expectations. I made some great friends -- of course there were some odd ducks thrown in too -- but it all makes great stories! Hugs to you.
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Michelle,
Thank you for your advice. I’ve been working with myself to prepare myself to be alone, not assuming it, but trying to plan for the future just for myself. The plus side to things is I’ve been alone /single more of my life than not, so it’s not as hard for me as it might be for someone who has experienced the opposite.
It’s best to try to be happy with what is, that’s true. Thanks and take care,
Kathryn.
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Yes! Me too. I was an only child and I enjoy my own company -- sounds like you do, too. You are gorgeous and anyone who has half a brain will appreciate you!
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Thank you Leslie! You’re very kind. Sounds like you had a good outlook when you started online dating. We’re both lucky we can enjoy solitude because of our backgrounds. It’s definitely nice to have a guy in my life, but I will not plan on that happening. Just have to keep moving forward!
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Comment by Cue Ball of Steel on May 28, 2018 at 12:19am
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So situation: There's the physical you and the personality you.
Physical: You have things you like and things you don't, as does everyone. One big glaring thing you don't like is the lack of hair, which is emphasized as feminine beauty in our society - I understand. What do you like? Is there anything you dislike that can be changed (fitness, etc). It's really hard to see when you're in the situation, but being bald does not automatically result in being ugly. You have to learn to somehow see past the baldness, if not as an asset, than as a neutral physical trait (like an elbow).
Personality: This is important. People can sense insecurity from a mile away. People will be more drawn to you if you have self respect and give off the impression of confidence. This can often be acheived in a "fake it till you make it" sense. Maybe even try going without the wig one day, just to see how it feels. The wig can make you feel like there's a big secret and make you act insecure.
You have to somehow convince yourself that you are attractive and cool, and worthy of a good partner.
It's just straight up messed up that a ~40 year old man thinks ghosting a date is appropriate. You'll encounter some losers, that's just the way of the world. But you have to remember that those people aren't really worth your time or effort.
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Cue ball (sorry, don’t know your name),
Thank you, you have some very good points. I appreciate what you said. I agree with the positive self concept ideas and thoughts. I will keep it in mind if I ever do try to date again. I’m too busy and too burned out to try anymore. Thanks and take care,
Kathryn.
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