days after being called a liar, i understand why it hurt me so bad. i wish i could lie about this situation i'm in. i wish the simple truth was that i wanted to draw attention to myself, and that i could stop at any time. but the truth is still there - i can't grow hair. i don't shave my arms and eyebrows off like i was accused of doing. i wish that i did, because i could stop and they would grow back. but they don't, i have alopecia. this is my fate. unlike theirs, mine doesn't involve hair and it involves a lot more emotions.
these emotions come from everywhere. and i can't hold back anymore. this girl, he thought she had the right to tell me that i was an attention whore and was shaving myself to claim that i had alopecia. i don't even tell people i have this disease. i don't talk about it with people, it makes me uncomfortable and them as well. but some girl just thinks that i'm lying? really. i flipped out on her. i pushed her away from me after snapping my hair tie to show her the bald spots on my head. i told her "you think i want to f*cking fake this?" and you know what she said "yeah, because all you want is pity. so everyone will stop calling you a b*tch." i was the one to say "call me a b*tch all you want *pushes girl away* and i'll beat the sh*t out of you after you've finished."
this is my life.
a life where i can't be myself. my school spreads rumors about me being a fake. my school hates me. not one person came over to me after that fight. and not one person apologized for starting that rumor. but i still hear the same rumor over and over again. i have two friends, but they don't really like me -they just know that it's good to have someone as powerful as i am as a friend. they're the ones who get the questions now. "i heard jamie's lying about going bald. i heard when she talked to you about it, she even laughed." my friend was the first one who got that question. how hard is it not to laugh when all you want to do is cry. and i will not cry in front of those ignorant children at my school. so i laughed, i made a joke even, one that one of our teacher's would finally have some competition for shinest head. i have to joke in front of them. i'm strong to the world. to my "friends." to my family. to my boyfriend. and all i do every night is cry. as soon as i run my fingers through my hair. and i touch that bare skin, that's what hurts the most. and almost every time i take out my ponytail at night before i shower, i gasp at the realization that i'm going to be bald. i want to choke myself at those times. so, my shower runs with tears. and then my hair goes back up. but it's so thin when it's wet. there's nothing left to it. so up it goes, and i break down. bed time, i sleep with my buildabear my boyfriend got me and squeeze him as i squeeze my eyes tight. i would trade my fate with anyone in the world right now. i feel so beaten down by it. i would be a completely different person. there would be more to me. a better me. a wholer me. and a prettier me. someone worth all the love my boyfriend gives me, someone worth the devotion my family has to me, and someone who isn't just powerful in outside situations but someone who is powerful with their own difficulties as well. i strive to be each one of these people and with alopecia i feel like i'll never make it there.