That is how I feel tonight. My alopecia struck me 6 years ago at the age of 35. It came 2 years after my second child was born. My thyroid was not being treated properly and I was depressed. In fact, depression has lurked in and out of my life for as long as I could remember. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand my situations in life. To this day it is unclear to me why I was handed the life I got. I know that sounds scary but if you were in my shoes you would question it almost every day. You see, I lost my Mom when I was 7, the end of the summer before starting second grade. The day she died was the last day of my childhood. What I endured after her death was indeed another blow and it is what I carry with me until this day. My father suffers from a personality disorder: narcissism. I didn't know it while I lived under his roof but little by little, it became clear that it was not normal. Being the oldest child, I tried my best to keep the peace. None of us wanted to get caught in one of his rages. If he was happy, we were surviving. But inside, I was dying. I didn't know who I was; my feelings were not important and I did not know how to deal with them. The hurt that I carried was overwhelming and had often led me to suicidal thoughts...which sadly I still harbor to this day even though I am not under his roof anymore. Our relationship as parent/child fell apart when it was time for me to move out. I wanted nothing to do with my Dad and we didn't speak for several years. It was the best years of my life. When I was ready to start a family, we reconciled at the urging of my siblings. I dealt with having him back in my life but I really didn't like it. He hadn't changed even though I was a Mom and had a child and a husband that I needed to take care of. He refused to accept what I had chosen for myself. A few years later the relationship blew up again and this time all my siblings and I did it together. They realized that it was time to push him out of our lives after having dealt with the same awful things that I had gone through. It has been about 5 years now since we broke off contact with our Dad. I remember when I first told him about my alopecia. He responded by saying that my husband was to blame -- that he must have pulled my hair out when I was sleeping. I absolutely withered. If I could blame my alopecia on something it would be my Dad. For all the hell I have endured up until now -- and all the hell I will continue to go through as long as he is alive (even though we have no contact) the result is on my head. I need to ask: my Mom died when I was young; I was raised by a narcissist; and my hair is falling out -- what have I done to deserve this? These are three really major things in my life that affect me on a daily basis. Actually, I really don't know what it is like to have a Mom even though I am one. But, I still struggle with what my Dad did to me and I don't know if those bad thoughts will ever leave my mind. The alopecia thing I deal with every day. There is no escape to that either. I start every day and end every day with it. I can fill the middle of the day with other things. But somehow, I wish I could blame my alopecia on something. Then I could fix it.