I can remember the first time my hair started to shed. I thought it was falling out. I saw more of my hair on the bathroom floor daily. My friend started doing my hair and nursed it back to health. It came back, no more breaking off, no more shedding and it was healthy. I didn't think another thing about it.

When my mother was in her 40's her hair started to shed and fall out. Her eyelashes even fell out. But I remember telling her it wasn't a big deal and that she was still beautiful. I remember her first wig. I remember boys in the neighborhood making fun of her and I remember going over to them and telling them not to ever say another word about her. They didn't.

But I remember her being terrified when someone unexpectedly knocked on the door. I remember her never being far from her head scarf so that she could grab it fast to cover up. I remember the different doctor appointments and the creams and eventually the painful confirmation that her hair would not grow back. I remember feeling her heartbreak but still, I just felt like who she was on the inside never changed.

Fast forward about 15 years. I'm stuck in bed with a disc pressing on a nerve in my back. I would lay in one spot for hours sometimes all day. I noticed from the sweating my hair had become a bit matted. When I finally got back on my feet and combed it out, it was breaking off. I went to my beautician and she worked at keeping it. But eventually she suggested I get a wig.It continued to fall out. I waited hoping it would come back like the other times. But it didn't. I finally talked to my doctor who sent me to a specialist. Sadly the specialist was cold and delivered the news that I had scarring Alopecia and it would never grow back... 4 days after I her and a nurse told me over the phone.

I stayed away from relationships because I didn't think I could ever let a man see my sparse hair and I worried a wig would come off during sex.

My sister finally persuaded me to get a sew in, it was my birthday present and I felt good about myself...finally. Then it had to be taken out...wigs went back on and I picked up my cloak of shame again.

I still don't feel pretty if I don't have a wig on and I consider often shaving it off. I'm worried I will look funny though. What if my head is shaped funny...or what if it never comes back...I have from the back of my head down the back and then a little bit in the top (in between a bald spot)...but it's mine. But why hold onto it. I don't know. I admire every woman who rocks the beautiful bald head and wish I could...I'm not my hair. I'm still the same person on the inside. Now if I can just emphatically believe it.