I don't know why my mother thinks I am making her suffer

Everytime I talk to mom about my state, she goes like "why are doing this to me? Why are you making me suffer so bad?" But I am not making her suffer, I just don't know why is she thinking like this, ever since my father had died two years ago, she started acting so nervous and putting blame on me having this disease... She has this weird thought that I am making my hair fall on purpose to get her attention and to make her suffer. I just don't see the point in this, instead of feeling less stressful and more relaxed, I feel so depressed, I was fine before dad's death just fine, but after his death I got the Alopeacia back and it was more severe than before, so she's not the only one who's feeling the gap that dad left.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

Views: 901

Comment by Karlijn on May 9, 2013 at 10:49am
I understand what youre saying ! My mother is always playing the forlorn one on birthdays .. Always telling to other people 'how hard it is' .. But it isnt even her problem and she never asks me how i feel about it ..
I'm just ignoring it but i understand it's very irritating!

Moms logic it sucks !
Comment by SamirK on May 9, 2013 at 10:53am

You have to develop a sense of yourself. Your mother is clearly ill-informed and grieving and unfortunately for you, she is taking it out on you. Some people are broken that way. Give yourself 30 minutes every day to sit with yourself, be angry, let your feelings come out... I found meditation helped me deal with the stress... and my hair ended up growing back!

Comment by Mur on May 9, 2013 at 10:58am

I am sorry you have to go through this. I am the only person in my family that has Alopecia and I try to talk to my mom about it too, but I just thinks she don't know what to say. It's probably hard for your mom to see you going through this and she cannot help you. Your not making her suffer and your not the reason you have alopecia. I lost my stepfather last year but my hair was already a 100% gone. I would suggest that if your mom isn't making it any better than don't talk to her as much about it. I'm no psychologist or anything but I hope yall can figure something out. You are not the reason why she is suffering.

Comment by Sharan on May 9, 2013 at 11:00am

Hey Yuri,I am so sorry to hear your mum doesn't seem to know how to help you with you condition. Perhaps she is a little stuck in the grief process, as you say, you are missing dad too. My mum didn't want to talk about it either. it was the elephant in the room. She constantly told me to cover up and wear a wig and look 'normal'. Very hurting indeed. Stay strong and try find someone to confide with. Glad you can vent how frustrated you feel here, loads of us understand how you feel. warm wishes Sharan

Comment by Elrika on May 9, 2013 at 11:01am

Hi there,
I am the mother of a teenage daughter who has Alopecia. She was diagnosed with it a couple o years ago. Many night I prayed that God would rather take my hair instead of hers because as a mother you feel so helpless. You want to fix it but can't fix it. We tried everything that is available on the market and for 2 years she had to wear a wig. She now has a head full of hair! Thicker than mine! We changed her diet and removed any possible allergens from her diet and life. IZt is not easy, but I can tell you that it works. Building the ammune system is the only way to fight back.

If makes me so sad to read about the emotional stress you are forced to deal with. I am sure your mother would trade places with you any time. When she says something that upsets you, please remember taht we as mothers sometimes just don't know what to do and how to fix it and then we say the wrong things.

My daughter one night had such an emotional break down - she broke the mirror - and that night I realised that she knows I can't fix it but all she wants and needs is for me to listen and maybe shed a tear with her. After that we sat many evenings when it got too much on the floor just holding each other and crying. Tomorrow we get our chins up again and face the world.

Sress does have a huge effect on the condition. We are using medication for stress which also allows my daughter to sleep well, a very important thing for the body to repair itself.

Hoep you feel better!
Elrika (South Africa)

Comment by Amy on May 9, 2013 at 11:04am

I haven't been on this website for so long, but I got an email about your blog post and had to reply, because I can understand where you are coming from. My Mum has depression, and she always blames me for how much I stress (whether it be about my hair or uni work) by saying that it impacts on HER and makes HER stressed. I've told her that she does this, and she doesn't even realise it or believe me. I always think: really? It makes YOU stressed? How about me, seeing as I'm the one actually going through it?!

The problem is that sometimes, when people have depression it makes them self-centred to a certain extent, to the point of which they cannot care so much about other people as they probably should. They're not doing it on purpose though, and probably don't even realise they are doing it.

I don't think she truly believes that you are doing this on purpose. I just think that she is so down about everything that she is saying irrational things. You could tell her how you feel about this, but if she's not thinking clearly she may not listen. For me, it's gotten to the point where I hardly talk about my alopecia anymore. It's been going on for so long that people have lost interest in it.

Also, people who don't have it just don't understand how horrible this disease is. I wouldn't have believed it if someone told me how it felt before I had it. The best thing I could say to you is that this form of independence, of having to deal with the issue on your own to a certain extent, will make you such a strong person. Hopefully, in time your Mum will come round. I do think it's worth trying to talk to her about all this though. She can't bring you down for something which isn't your fault.

I'm so sorry for what happened with your dad, and I really hope in time that everything will slowly start to get better

Comment by Julie Ray on May 9, 2013 at 2:43pm
I am a mom of a teenage daughter with alopecia. She started losing her hair when she was 13 and over the course of a year, had lost every hair on her body. I knew that she was suffering, but the pain that I felt as a mother was overwhelming. I felt helpless! A mother is suppose to be there to protect her child, that is our natural instinct, but this disease is out of our control. To watch our child suffer is heart wrenching. We are angry, but not at you, just at the situation. However, I know that sometimes that comes across that we are angry with you having the disease, but that is not the case. Your mom is grieving for your father, but she is also grieving for you. I can look back and recognize that there is a grieving process that you go through when you lose your hair, just like you would when you lose a loved one. The 5 stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I do not know what stage your mom is in, but it sounds like it is the anger phase. Just be open and tell your mom how she is making you feel. If you can't talk to her in person, write her a letter. Sometimes it is easier to get your point across through writing. It is a great form of communication...you get to open up without having to be defensive, you get to say exactly what you want. In your letter, tell her to respond with a written response, that will make it easier. I know that this is an awful disease,the only thing that makes it bearable, is the support from loved ones.
Comment by monica on May 9, 2013 at 2:49pm
It's really sad when things like alopecia happens to us and we are not able to fully cope...but it makes it worse when a parent doesn't realize that they are hurting someone more by being so hard on them...I went through so much as a child...with experimental hair treatments,,,covering up my head just so my mother won't be embarrassed of my hair loss...all for nothing...as you grow up..things like that don't really matter...now that I am grown I realize it's so much easier when you have no choice but to be strong and find your won "coping mechanisms"...in time things do get better...hang in there...
Comment by Julie Ray on May 9, 2013 at 2:49pm
Don't ever be ashamed of who you are. God made you and he doesn't make any junk! He only picks the strongest individuals to test, He knows your strength, so trust in Him and know that he has a plan for you. Be yourself, you never know how you will affect other people and the difference you will make in their lives from being strong. This disease does not define you, it is just a part of what makes you YOU! Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;the most massive characters are seared with scars. God is writing your story, trust that HE has a plan.
Comment by Mike Mahoney on May 9, 2013 at 3:21pm
Yuri, this is unfortunate because it's a time when you both really need each other. It may even be a time when you have to switch roles and YOU be the adult. You could possibly become your mother's hero if you take the lead and help lead her out of her dark days. (Believe it or not it would be as beneficial to you as it would her.) At any rate, this is a real challenge and please note that you have a good number of friends who all have good intentions and hope and pray for you on this site.


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