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Comment by Gabi Bastos on November 6, 2014 at 5:58am

You made me cry.... I wish i didnt feel the same way as you do, but i do sometimes.

Comment by PamFitros@boldlybaldwomen.com on November 3, 2014 at 11:32am

BlondeB4bald,

I get what Dom is saying, but I think he's missing a very important piece of dealing with any loss. Time. It takes time to work through all the feelings that are involved with change of any kind. As a nurse, you know exactly what I am talking about. There's a whole bottle of physical and emotional shocks to get through before anyone even gets close to a bottle neck. 

Raw feelings need to be processed. That takes time. And, I don't know about anybody else out there, but for me the process was not a straight line connected from the bottom of the event to the top of acceptance over time. There were three steps forward, two back, one step forward five back. It was a jagged tooth graph like the picture on a heart monitor of a heart in distress.

It is not all or nothing. There is a difference between working through feelings and wallowing in them.

And the process of grief is not like a class that starts when the bell rings and ends when it rings again. My father died when I was sixteen. I grieved then, worked through the grief and got on with my life. Still...one day some twenty years later, I burst into inconsolable tears in the middle of a bright sunny day because my father never had to opportunity to see the kind of woman I'd grown into or to meet the love of my life or know his grand children.

Did I stay there, stuck? No, I took the time I needed to recognize and feel my feelings to make my list of all the things I wish my father could have seen. When my tears were done and I'd said a prayer that somehow my father would know I missed all that never was, I went on with my day. I have never forgotten that day. My husband was kind enough to draw me into his arms and dribble tears and sniffles on his t-shirt without telling me to get on with it or get over it. That kind acceptance helped me allow those feelings to flow through me rather than get stuck somewhere inside.

I think that's the piece Dom is missing. It's not all or nothing. Open or shut. On or off. Feelings are just feelings. For most people they come and they go and they may revisit from time to time, but we know there will be an end to how we feel right now, just like the wind will blow the clouds away and we will see the sun again.

Are there people who get stuck in their feelings and get something out of wallowing in them year after year and using them as an excuse not to get on with life? Yes, I believe there are. Do those folks need confrontation? Yes I believe they do. In some cases a good swift kick in their emotional but (as opposed to butt) could be beneficial.

For the most part, however, I think the most effective way of getting someone through the bottleneck is to show them there is a way out and help them step back from emotion to look at options for moving ahead.

Are there some people who, no matter what approach is used, choose to stay stuck in the bottle neck and cry help when what they really want is to play a round of 'Poor Me Ain't It Awful?' Yes. But that is true all across the spectrum of life's losses.

BlondeB4bald, know that you are doing a beautiful thing in being vulnerable about your feelings, strong in your expectations for a safe place to share them and up front with yourself and your family.

Shine on, sister, shine on.

Pam

Comment by BlondeB4bald on November 2, 2014 at 1:56pm

To Dom- I am a nurse, helping others is both a passion and a career choice I made. I do not have a " me,me me" attitude. I put others and my family first. But that doesn't mean I should disappear. Have two daughters that I face the challenge of raising in a world where looks matter. I have to force a confident smile to show them it's ok mommy is ok. You do not know everyone challenges. You do not know the daily struggles I face myself. Your view on alopecia, is just that yours, it doesn't have to be mine. So I challenge you to find empathy for others, not weakness.

Comment by PamFitros@boldlybaldwomen.com on November 2, 2014 at 1:29pm

Dom, I absolutely agree. That's why I do what I do. Both ovarian cancer and alopecia universalis have become incredible blessings in my life as they present opportunities to help those just entering the process or stuck in the bottleneck.

Pam Fitros, author

Boldly Bald Women

Comment by PamFitros@boldlybaldwomen.com on November 2, 2014 at 9:43am

Dom,

I appreciate your positivity, and applaud your get-beyond-it attitude. I too, have reclaimed my joy. My choice has been to toss the wig, forgo the makeup and change my taste in earrings from bland to bling. My choice has been to expose the secret and thus take away its power. My choice has been to educate, speak, write, reach out to people with alopecia and those who've never heard of it.

Still, I so remember what it was like when I lost all my body hair within two months and looked in the mirror at an alien landscape.

What I've learned along the way is it is necessary for folks to go through the grief before it is possible to move on to a new normal. Everybody grieves in their own way at their own pace. Some never get through the grief. They get lost in it and stay stuck. My heart aches for those who choose to stay stuck in the negativity - fear - blame - anger- of that very normal process.

It's easy to mistake encouragement for criticism while grieving and for the best of intentions to be misinterpreted.

Keep shining your light, Dom.

Pam

Comment by Rose on November 2, 2014 at 1:10am

BlondB4bald:

what a comprehensive wish list. many of your wishes are my wishes also.. it's odd though, as I would never have thought to make a list of my wishes in this regard. I've had AT since age three, so it's pretty much all I've known. My wishes now are to find the best hairpiece out there... to find the best permanent makeup technician.. and to tell more people who are trying to get to know me that this beautiful head of hair of mine is really a wig.

I had a girlfriend text me all these different ways she styled her hair, which is thinning due to age. I gave her my opinion... and then said "I wish I could just wear my hair in a ponytail" which is what she does! She started laughing as she realized the irony of her asking ME about HER hair problems. I still love her... smile.

I wish I knew what it felt like to have growth hair. I wonder... is it easier to lose your hair as a child than as an adult?

I wish you peace with your hair loss..

I wish you get so busy with enjoying life, you don't think so much about your alopecia wish list..

You are not alone. I hope (wish) this site and words help  you...

Comment by BlondeB4bald on November 1, 2014 at 11:05pm

Grace- you made me feel better too. Thank you for your response, you're so sweet.

Comment by Grace on November 1, 2014 at 10:49pm

Arghhh. Still getting the hang of this site. I think I commented in the wrong place. I'll copy and paste: 

BlondeB4bald: Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm in a bit different situation with my hair, but can relate to much of the pain you expressed. (you're an awesome writer btw!) 

One thought I wanted to share...my memories are different because my mom's hair was very short and I don't really have memories of it. But, she was the most affectionate woman in the world and touching her hands....and her touching mine, holding my hands and stroking my fingers - is my most vivid memory of my mom. I can tell by your writing that you have a similar loving, open heart. You and your kids are going to have your own way of creating that memory. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Reading things like that really makes me feel understood and not so alone with these desperate hair related thoughts.

Comment by BlondeB4bald on November 1, 2014 at 8:43pm

To Pam- you made me get all teary eyed, that was so kind. I cannot thank you enough for your kind words. Hugs to you. A big one.

Comment by BlondeB4bald on November 1, 2014 at 8:42pm

To Dom- please do not belittle my emotions, this is supposed to be a support for people with alopecia. I'm not a mind reader, but have gotten multiple uncomfortable hugs from people wishing me well as I " fight cancer" from people who have cancer. I'm not a mind reader. My hair made me feel like a woman, I remember playing with my moms hair, it's makes me sad my daughters won't remember that. Yes I do have do have to give the perception I'm ok with this. I am so happy you have found peace and contentment with your alopecia, but please don't judge the rest of us that have not.

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