Comment by PamFitros@boldlybaldwomen.com on November 1, 2014 at 1:07pm

I wish I had a hug that reached far enough to surround and strong enough to comfort your pain.

I wish you could be okay with losing your hair for yourself, your peace, your ability to see the joys in your life and feel the gratitude every day for all your many blessings.

I wish you could remember you still are the person you were and more as a result of losing your hair.

I wish you could give yourself permission for a pity party of one without feeling guilty when your stress level rises above your current coping skills, knowing feeIlings pass and you'll feel better again and feeling sorry for ourselves at times is pretty normal in the grief process.

I wish you could believe that pain can't be legitimately be rated more than or less than another's - whether it be cancer, amputations, paralysis or anything else. I have known women with cancer who were more devastated about losing their hair than having cancer.

I wish you could know there are very real reasons for the pain of hair loss for women regardless of what else is going on ( see Boldly Bald Women, ) Chapter 3 "Quit Whining Kermit, Green Is Easy).

I wish you could see how beautiful you are - just as you are. How valuable. How important to the people who love you and the people who come in and out of your live. How worthy you are to be happy.

I pray you will find a way to reclaim your joy. If I can help, please let me know.

Pam Fitros,

www.boldlybaldwomen.com

Comment by Mark S. Hansen on November 1, 2014 at 4:21pm

* I wish did not have this alopecia univseralis, total body hair loss for 45+ yrs.

* I wish it had not started to fall out in big patches in junior high school, patches that on occassions were ripped out by the school bullies.

* Even though my good parents bought me my first wig when I was 15, I wish that I had not hid under it for 35 years and only took it off 10 yrs ago.

* I wish I wpould have had more courage after high school, at places I had worked, and in college that I went back to at age 33 and graduated at age 45, to approach more woman with the idea that they might understand when I the time came that I had to tell them I was really bald and I wore a wig.  

* When I did ask women out over the years I wish they would not have rejected me because of the way I looked, you cant hide the fact that I dont have any eye brows or eye lashes.

* I wish I had not heard women and others say behind my back over the years, that I is "so weird." What got me is that they act did not know why they thought that, until I told them why, that I look diff bec I have a hairless face. And the usual response is "oh, we didnt know or notice"

* I wish I was not 58 yrs, S, Nv Marr, and never having had a girlfriend or relationship in my whole life.

* I wish I had not only went out with a woman once, back in 1989, and then not again until 25 yrs later in 2004, when I had sex my one and only time in my life where I lost my virginity at age 48.

* I wish that the worst thing about this condition wasnt the ignorance, the stares, and the silent ostrasisum that I get to one extent or another every day.  

* Some times I even wish that I didnt have to credit myself by saying that many people have committed suciside for a lot less reasons than I live with.

* I also wish that I did not have to say that dispite the fact that I have a BA and  MA I am cronically unemployed, technically broke, and that my age in this society is an obsticle, to finding a job, even in a retail store (yes age decsrimination exists)  as well as for the way I look.

* Lastly, I wish I could say that I was a happy person. Maybe some day. Mark Hansen Milw WI.

Comment by BlondeB4bald on November 1, 2014 at 8:42pm

To Dom- please do not belittle my emotions, this is supposed to be a support for people with alopecia. I'm not a mind reader, but have gotten multiple uncomfortable hugs from people wishing me well as I " fight cancer" from people who have cancer. I'm not a mind reader. My hair made me feel like a woman, I remember playing with my moms hair, it's makes me sad my daughters won't remember that. Yes I do have do have to give the perception I'm ok with this. I am so happy you have found peace and contentment with your alopecia, but please don't judge the rest of us that have not.

Comment by BlondeB4bald on November 1, 2014 at 8:43pm

To Pam- you made me get all teary eyed, that was so kind. I cannot thank you enough for your kind words. Hugs to you. A big one.

Comment by Grace on November 1, 2014 at 10:49pm

Arghhh. Still getting the hang of this site. I think I commented in the wrong place. I'll copy and paste: 

BlondeB4bald: Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm in a bit different situation with my hair, but can relate to much of the pain you expressed. (you're an awesome writer btw!) 

One thought I wanted to share...my memories are different because my mom's hair was very short and I don't really have memories of it. But, she was the most affectionate woman in the world and touching her hands....and her touching mine, holding my hands and stroking my fingers - is my most vivid memory of my mom. I can tell by your writing that you have a similar loving, open heart. You and your kids are going to have your own way of creating that memory. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Reading things like that really makes me feel understood and not so alone with these desperate hair related thoughts.

Comment by BlondeB4bald on November 1, 2014 at 11:05pm

Grace- you made me feel better too. Thank you for your response, you're so sweet.

Comment by Rose on November 2, 2014 at 1:10am

BlondB4bald:

what a comprehensive wish list. many of your wishes are my wishes also.. it's odd though, as I would never have thought to make a list of my wishes in this regard. I've had AT since age three, so it's pretty much all I've known. My wishes now are to find the best hairpiece out there... to find the best permanent makeup technician.. and to tell more people who are trying to get to know me that this beautiful head of hair of mine is really a wig.

I had a girlfriend text me all these different ways she styled her hair, which is thinning due to age. I gave her my opinion... and then said "I wish I could just wear my hair in a ponytail" which is what she does! She started laughing as she realized the irony of her asking ME about HER hair problems. I still love her... smile.

I wish I knew what it felt like to have growth hair. I wonder... is it easier to lose your hair as a child than as an adult?

I wish you peace with your hair loss..

I wish you get so busy with enjoying life, you don't think so much about your alopecia wish list..

You are not alone. I hope (wish) this site and words help  you...

Comment by PamFitros@boldlybaldwomen.com on November 2, 2014 at 9:43am

Dom,

I appreciate your positivity, and applaud your get-beyond-it attitude. I too, have reclaimed my joy. My choice has been to toss the wig, forgo the makeup and change my taste in earrings from bland to bling. My choice has been to expose the secret and thus take away its power. My choice has been to educate, speak, write, reach out to people with alopecia and those who've never heard of it.

Still, I so remember what it was like when I lost all my body hair within two months and looked in the mirror at an alien landscape.

What I've learned along the way is it is necessary for folks to go through the grief before it is possible to move on to a new normal. Everybody grieves in their own way at their own pace. Some never get through the grief. They get lost in it and stay stuck. My heart aches for those who choose to stay stuck in the negativity - fear - blame - anger- of that very normal process.

It's easy to mistake encouragement for criticism while grieving and for the best of intentions to be misinterpreted.

Keep shining your light, Dom.

Pam

Comment by PamFitros@boldlybaldwomen.com on November 2, 2014 at 1:29pm

Dom, I absolutely agree. That's why I do what I do. Both ovarian cancer and alopecia universalis have become incredible blessings in my life as they present opportunities to help those just entering the process or stuck in the bottleneck.

Pam Fitros, author

Boldly Bald Women

Comment by BlondeB4bald on November 2, 2014 at 1:56pm

To Dom- I am a nurse, helping others is both a passion and a career choice I made. I do not have a " me,me me" attitude. I put others and my family first. But that doesn't mean I should disappear. Have two daughters that I face the challenge of raising in a world where looks matter. I have to force a confident smile to show them it's ok mommy is ok. You do not know everyone challenges. You do not know the daily struggles I face myself. Your view on alopecia, is just that yours, it doesn't have to be mine. So I challenge you to find empathy for others, not weakness.

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