Hi everyone! I’m charlotte and I'm 25 years old, I've been trying to write something about Alopecia Areata/Universalis in my life, but it’s like something is trying to get hold of me... like something is stopping me. But now, I’m fighting this thing by continuing what I want to do and that is to let it all out but it’s only for the Alopecia World. I'm still not ready to expose my hidden flaws. And I don’t know how to start and when and where to begin with. So here it is, the first time I've experience Alopecia Areata was when I was 10 years old. I was in my fifth grade that time and it’s our Christmas party, like every girl: we want to look good and present ourselves in our best. So that time I have a new clothes to wear and to add something, ( I can’t remember if it was my aunt or our neighbor ) I as her to braid my hair in crown shape, so she did and it was beautiful. Then afterwards, I when to our school and meet with my classmates and then suddenly someone ask me what was that on my nape that was a dime in size. I said I don’t know, and then they started teasing me about it. I don’t know what to do, so I just kept myself busy by just sitting around. Then days had past my hair started to fall more and more that made more patches not only on my nape but all over my scalp. So me and my mom when to a doctor and check everything. I had a laboratory to check my blood. But all of it was normal. But why is it my long and beautiful shiny hair started to fall off. That time I just wore a headband with a bandana on it, just to cover the spots. Then when I was graduating my elementary days, Me and my mom look for a salon where they sell wigs and we did bought one for me to use. But it really was not like what we had today that are unnoticeable and undetectable. When I was in high school I transfer to other school just to have different environment and classmate but sad to say I also had a classmate who also transfer from the same school where I went. So school days came, I was surprise when some students are talking about something and then I found out that it’s about me. About me wearing a wig. I was really devastated. Walking around the campus and seeing there are people staring at you and kept talking and whispering about you. There were also an instance that one of my classmate girl who I don’t know if she only seeks for attention, who when to school one day and says that she had a haircut. Because her hair is I think 16” long then suddenly she cut it to a short hair like as in short. With short bangs and short as the end was a little bit over the nape. Then afterwards when my classmates kept on asking her...WHY? WHY did she cut her hair from long and beautiful into a short hair that she look like a lesbian? Then suddenly she takes off the wig and kept on laughing and also some of their friends. To my surprise of what she did I just kept quite and there this one guy who’s really naughty and keeps on bothering me. And borrow the wig and kept on asking me if we can exchange wigs. There were also some guy who would touch my head who I think was just curious to know whether is it true or not that I’m wearing a wig. So when I came home my mom was asking me if someone was teasing me in our campus I just told her none. Because I don’t want her to worry anymore. Because I’m a type of person who is very shy and don’t want to cause any pain to others. So even though I’m in pain I just kept it to myself. Then enrollment came I told my mom that I don’t want to go to school anymore she ask me why I told her I just don’t want too. But my auntie insists to push me to go to school. I kept crying that day coz, I don’t want people to keep on starring at me and keep on whispering about something. I don’t want to attract attention but because of my condition even though I don’t want too I still do. And on the side on medication I’ve tried so many medicine whether it’s oral, cream, topical solution and injections (steroids)and there’s also this liquid that is being applied to my head that It feels like you were burn alive. It was really painful. But I don’t have any choice but to continue my medication and endure all the pain whether its physically because of the injections plus the oral medication that the side effect is that you will gain weight and emotionally because of the people who don’t understand my condition, who keeps on doing something even though they know that they will hurt somebody but they still continue to do so. And also psychologically because I feel like there are a lot of things running into my head that I fell that I was going crazy. Like I just want to commit suicide because I just want to stop all of this pain. But the one thing that was holding me not to do was my mom. I really love my mom because she won’t stop caring and loving me. And I don’t what her to be lonely because deep inside I know that from 2 of my sibling she’s really concern about me. And I’m the only one who shows affection to her and the one who gives some surprise just to make her happy. Oh By the way I’m the eldest and I have a brother and my sister is the youngest who turn into a lesbian who is a really a pain in the ass who always bring heartache to my mom while my brother is just a simple guy who’s independent. That’s why I can’t do want I want plus the fact that I know it’s really bad. I also don’t want to disappoint God that, I can’t handle his trial and his test. So I just keep on doing want I do and continue living with alopecia areata despite all the pain. So time comes that all my hair came back so I was really happy I can live again with a normal hair and im so proud to myself to overcome all the trial. So days, weeks and months have passed I’m living the life that I’ve wanted. By being normal like everybody else .But suddenly when I was working some patches appear into my eye and that time I was devastated again. That I have to live again the life that I don’t want too. But I don’t have a choice I have to undergo all of it again. There are a lot of times that I cried by myself. Because I can’t share it with somebody. I haven’t talk to friends about it. Even my dad’s don’t know anything. Because he is in other country working for us. And my mom doesn’t want him to worry bcoz of me. I was like a favorite of all because I was nice and very sweet and thoughtful I can’t say NO to someone but it’s only when someone needed some help and If only I can do something about it. And because of that I was really hurt because I might feel rejection and disappointment again. And due to a wrong judgment of my boss and he says something that I think was the cause of the falling of my hair again. It’s like a had a trauma because of him that I don’t want to do anything stupid and wrong doings. I see to it that I made my job not only good but I’ve done it to my best. And time had passed that he found out that it wasn’t my fault and it was my co-employee who was his friend. He just told me yah I know it, Carlo told about it already and told me that I should have say something. I just told him that I was shock that I just want to say something , that It wasn’t me but it’s like my mouth was in freeze that I can’t open my mouth. But despite that, I still continue working and when to medication. And later on I’ve had the courage to tell him about my condition. So he’s okay with that, and even joke about that he is the one who’s giving me stress and I said it was not like that but deep inside I said YES it was all your fault why I have to undergo all of this pain again. But I know, it wasn’t intentional for him to hurt my feelings. I was just on the wrong time and on the wrong place. He was just doing his job being my boss and when he sees something wrong he says what he want to say. This time we had a good relationship that we even joke around sometimes even if his my boss. They were happy to be around me. Hehehe . So from Alopecia Areata now I have Alopecia Universalis and the pain I have before I think it double it this time. Now I’m wearing lace wig and I put an adhesive into it. And because of a very limited stock and its very expensive. I can’t find any other salon where to buy to. I kept on crying and I was absent for one day because I was looking for other salon where I can buy some. And that time I just want to give up actually there are a lot of times that I feel that and I just want to cut/stop all this pain. But some people help me to keep on going like my mom, my family, my friends and also my co-employee. I was still blessed to have a family who supports me. I think this is too long already and I also know that we also experience the same thing but not all. And my problem now is because of the limited stock here in our country. I don’t have any option but to use the adhesive where my skin get reaction and gets irritated. Even though I have to endure the pain everyday just to be at the office and even though i'm late I still continue to use it. Because I don’t have any choice. Every morning I have to accept the feeling like I was burn alive because of the pain that causes the glue to my skin. I still put glue on my skin even though it’s really painful because otherwise I can’t come to office. But days has passed it worsen even my face got irritated same as my neck. And now I went to a doctor and ask me to stop it and not to wait to make it more worse that it may affect my whole body that it may poison my blood because the chemical can go inside my system because of the open wound that I still to continue to put an adhesive into it. And my mom already threw the 2 bottles of it. But what will I do, I need it. I already hide the other bottle but she found about it. So I don’t have anything to use. I still have 1 bottle but I save it only for emergency(it’s a different brand that I don’t get irritation). And now I have to use it. But what worries me is what I will use for the succeeding day. Were not rich that we can afford to buy another wig. I only use one wig that needed an adhesive. So now I’m wondering if it is possible for me to go to other country where there are other alopecians unlike here in country. Because here, the people here are not aware of my conditions. They don’t know anything about alopecia and I don’t have the courage to explain and to reveal myself. That’s why I envy most of you here. Those who are full of self confidence and have the courage to expose themselves. Because they are living in a liberated and an open minded country unlike me. People here are so judgmental and are still close minded because they are still conservative and are not yet expose to unusual things. Plus the fact that our government is blocking the things that can be brought here in our country. Because the reason why the stock here is limited it’s because the adhesive is flammable that’s why they don’t allow it. The reason why my salon were able to get my glue is because they hide it carefully in order not for them to be caught. I even ask my boss to buy me a glue when he when to Canada but unfortunately he wasn’t able to buy me, because he told me that’s our airport won’t allow it. So my question is, Is there any possible way that I go to any country who will support me and where I can work that can accept me. Because I’ve already tried going to Germany because my aunt was there I going for a vacation but the embassy denied my visa because they are doubtful that I won’t be coming back to my country. But my intentions are just really for vacation and to unwine and to also meet my cousins and my auntie and uncle. But sad to say they reject me that’s maybe also that’s one of the other reasons why it shifts from alopecia areata to alopecia unversalis. It’s like all doors were close and I don’t have anything to do. Even my uncle forces it just to make me happy but sadly we loss from court. The embassies basis is that i’m single and that they are really doubtful of me going back. First I was sad but I just think that maybe God has other plan for me that why he doesn’t allow it to happen. That I have still some obligation that is left behind. Sometimes I feel so alone and I don’t have anyone to talk to about my condition. I don’t want to add to my mom’s sufferings and heartaches. So being a member of Alopecia World was really helpful because I used to see people who are like me but on the other hand I still feel helpless and worthless. I’m happy for you guys that you have found the right guy who loves you unconditionally. But how about me? Do I have to be alone and experience this by myself. I know I have a family and friends but I still want somebody to love me as I am unconditionally. But how will I find him if im afraid to expose myself. So your advise reaction and other suggestion will be very helpful on my part. Sorry If I twas too long. Thank you in advance for giving time to read my story. Godbless you all and have a nice day! 