When I think about it, when I actually stop and go deep into thought to try and sum this up, the word that often springs to mind is “challenge”. Yes a definite challenge, but whom am I challenging? I guess I’m challenging myself, challenging myself to be able to focus on other things, my children, my husband, my job and my life, which are all blessings that I couldn't do without. It is said that “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” So who am I to question this? After all, I am a believer in the All Mighty and what he decrees for me. Therefore I shouldn't really question this but rather praise it. This story of my challenge should really just end here but it doesn’t.

So I find that I continue to think of this burden, as I am only human, so back to this challenge. I think more about it, more in depth and another significant word comes to mind “Al hamdu lilah” thank god, and now, this is my faith that’s coming out of this situation. I only wish my emotions had more faith but being human these are things I can’t control.

Alopecia Areata has been a part of my life for the past 20years. It’s been right there all this time but its been pushed to the furthest part of my mind where I didn’t stress about it. A few patches here and there, really nothing major to even think about. My life was still the same, nothing much had changed I still had my health and my long beautiful well-maintained hair, which I loved still existed. It was the part of me that was always perfect. It reflected who I was. Whenever a patch appeared I managed to cover it up every time so why stress?

Three years ago I guess I hit rock bottom after going through a tragedy. My emotions could not go any further, there was no way I could cope with any more stress or emotional damage, I thought I had reached the full capacity of what I could handle. Stressed, tired and very emotional gave my alopecia the food it needed to take its toll!
Fast-forward 12 months and there’s more! Much much more!
These serious bouts of circumstances were taking over my life and those around me in a tornado type of whirlwind. Everyone was coping well however I found myself gasping for air and when I was able to rise above the surface I realized that I had lost almost 80% of my hair.

It’s only hair! “Come on you still have your health”. I kept saying it in my head over and over, and underneath a little bit of embarrassment took its course “stop being so vain!” but this is the emotion that I have no control over! So after some serious soul searching I took a step that I wasn’t ready for.

Are we ever really ready for anything? Things happen because they are meant to. I guess the better way to phrase this is “I wasn’t ready for what was meant to happen” Alopecia came fast and hard and hijab (Islamic head covering) came on quick! There was no room for preparation not physically or psychologically it just had to happen. I kept telling myself that I can do this, maybe this is the reason behind all this the All Mighty had a better plan for me, accept it just accept it!.............I couldn’t and I didn’t.

So here I was, an appearance that portrayed an image of glory. While my mind basked in the satisfaction of doing the right thing by my religon, my heart had an agenda of it’s own. Depression followed and with everything I was going through that was the last thing I needed. I didn’t want more stress.
Depression took over my mind, body and my whole self esteem and rolled my emotions into a tight ball and kept firing more strains of stress. Now on top of losing my hair, I had to deal with the hijab. I have always believed in my religion and did all the rituals, I pray, fast during Ramadan and always dressed modestly. However I never felt the need to cover my hair. So when I looked at my reflection in hijab I felt it wasn't me, however without it wasn’t me either! So who was I? Where have I gone? And who have I become? I had lost myself completely and here it was “the challenge” My faith told me it's a test I can overcome, I'm stronger than this! but really I was fighting my own demons. I cried until I thought my tears had dried out, I prayed to the point where I prayed and cried together, I fell asleep hoping never to wake up and all the while I hated myself. I found solace in my sleep where my dreams were visions of the person I knew not the one I lost in this ugly battle. Waking up in the morning was the most difficult thing to do. It was by the grace of god that I managed to get up and get on with life. But getting on with life was lifeless. I became a mechanical machine doing what I had to do to get through the day. I hated it; I forced myself to get on with it. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want to go through this and it began to show more and more each day I lashed out at those around me in anger and frustration then the moments of nothingness came. My body was like an empty shell of someone who used to occupy this existence I Wasn't coping and I just wanted this battle to end. I wanted to go back to being me again. The end was so far away. I realize now it was only the beginning.

…………………………….

Every calamity starts off huge. I now know this is the shock factor that your brain & body processes. However as humans we have been created with the ability to “accept” which makes us able to deal with these calamities and slowly we come to terms with what’s happened (this is where the saying “time is healer” must come from) However I believe we don’t ever really heal we just “accept”, and we accept because we have no choice and so the acceptance of hijab and alopecia (which Was now moving to totalis) came, it took its time but it came and for that I am grateful. It wasn’t easy and it was still a process of work in progress.

I have my beautiful family who were very accepting and continued to support me in every way so I guess life was slowly getting back to a solid ground of "acceptance" and while I accepted that I had lost most of my hair I still lived in hope. I still cried occasionally and could not bring myself to look at my reflection in the mirror, when I did, I didn’t see the familiar me so I kept my head covered all the time at home. That familiar person that was me had long gone and another 12 months on saw me lose most of that last 20% of hair that was left on my head and half of my eyebrows.

I thought the decision to shave whatever was left would be an easy one after all it was mostly gone anyway.
It was early one Friday morning when I woke up and headed to the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. This time though I turned back and looked at myself, really looked at myself. Something I hadn’t done in almost a year and saw eyes that I didn’t recognize without eyeliner and mascara that looked tired and empty with thinning eyelashes, eyebrows that almost no longer existed had no pencil liner to define them and a head with small strands of hair scattered on the crown. I realized then that this battle has left a wound that will never be the same again and the tears rolled down my face as I shaved off any hope that was left.

I find myself back to the challenge. The challenge of finding different ways of explaining to my 6 year old daughter that mummy doesn’t have hair because……… and not being able to answer. The challenge of overlooking the shock in my boys eyes when they get a glimpse of my hairless head and ask if it’s going to get better and not being able to answer, the challenge of being intimate with my husband and the challenge of still being me the bubbly person that everyone knows.

Depression and stress have become a part of me to this very day, however after 12 months I have become an expert at suppressing them when I’m out & about. Everyone is able to see the person they know who overcame the challenge of having alopecia and solved the problem by wearing hijab. A strong woman that has managed to deal with such an emotional problem and taken on a new style and moved on.
Yes I have managed to take on a new style which I do love and I’m very satisfied with the exterior as the "new me" but really my inner self still needs work. I have found that while I’m able to suppress my emotions to those who don’t live with me; I am not able to do that when I’m at home. My strong character collapses all the time and I continue to find myself crying endless tears and those moments of nothingness still exist. My children still have their mother and the fact I’m slightly an angrier emotional version that's bald hasn't phased them in the least. My husband I feel has suffered in silence although he tells me everyday he loves me just the way I am and doesn't care what I look like, I feel he has lost part of his wife when I lost myself during this ugly battle along the way.

I have found that Alopecia sufferers find their emotional turmoil a very difficult one and often suffer in silence because those around them while being very supportive and offer words of sympathy, love and hope simply don’t understand what the fuss is all about. I have always heard "after all its not cancer it’s only hair right?" So very true I'm thankful that it's not life threatening but depression and over stressing can be life threatening and I'm at a point in my life where I find that I stress of EVERYTHING! And need help. I have also began to notice that alopecia totallis is gradually moving to universallis!

I have read about this autoimmune disease forever I don't think there is anything that don't know about it! I pray and hope everyday that there is breakthrough in a cure that actually works!