General Info.

-Had it since I was 3.
-Have never received any treatment whatsoever.
-Hair was very thin when I was diagnosed. And was expect to be completely bald by puberty. That didn't happen.
-Hair has only recently began falling out in a mass quantity.
-Haven't been to a derm. in 10 years.

So, keeping that in mind... I'm sort of caught off guard by my somewhat recent hair 'fallout'. I've always had thin hair, and a few bald spots that I could easily cover up. But now, there's not way to hide it. So I guess I'm getting a reality check about AA.

My entire scalp is now visible one way or the other. There's no hiding from my AA. And for awhile, I hated that I couldn't. I bought a wig. I bought headscarves. I've bought hats. Anything to hide it. Anything to make me feel better.

I don't wear the wig, because it makes me feel like there's a big sign over my head, "Look! She's wearing a wig! It's fake!"

I don't wear hat/caps, because I feel like a boy. Really. God did not bless me with a chest to where it's easily visible that I'm a girl. So believe me, I've gotten a few people call me 'sir'. I ditched the hats.

I now wear headscarves! In varying colors and designs, they make me feel the most comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. But they never quite make me feel 'good', you know? I still feel like I'm hiding.

And I've come to the conclusion rather simply. Putting on a wig,hat, or a scarf doesn't change the way I feel about myself. I feel better about my AA, sure. But myself? I wasn't so convinced. I had a bit of an epiphany when realizing that.

Was I really the type of person who was going to degrade,disappoint, and depress myself over something isn't changeable? Was I really so fickle?

I think I'm at the age, where that matters and yet doesn't matter to me. Then again, it might matter to everyone.

But I decided then, that it didn't. It didn't matter that I had AA. Because I've had it nearly my whole life. I become ashamed the moment my hair falls out, and that's how I'm gonna handle it? That's how I WAS handling it.

Now, I've got more a grip. I still wear my headscarves, mainly because I have hair left on my head and I'm hoping for a regrow session soon. But I don't think I'll ever let myself feel so bad about myself again.

And here I go on a religious rant. Because I believe that God created AA, and gave it to certain people. Certain people He thought needed it. Yes. Needed it. People He thought needed to look within themselves to find something. Whatever that something may be. For me, it was a better self-awareness. And the sense that I've really been complaining over nothing. I believe that when a person realizes whatever that 'need' is, is when the find the reason 'why' they have AA and leads them to find the way, to cure themselves. Since I think, more than anything, AA is psychological rather than a 'hair loss' disorder.

If the world were truly so vain about appearances, there would be a cure for AA. And there isn't.

So I'm partly glad, because it allowed me to really 'soul search' and figure out what was more important. How I looked? Or I felt about myself?

I don't even know if I made sense just then. Hopefully someone gets this. And if not, it's really just me ranting here. :D So I don't mind.

But if you are reading this, then I hope you find something relative to you. That I don't believe it's necessary to feel 'ashamed' or to hide from people, including family and friends. And even though I'm not happy that I have AA, I think I'm in a place now where I accept it. And don't really give a darn if others do or not. :) So relatively good place to be!