This stuff sucks. There, I said it. That's how I feel today.

My whole life I've been a self-proclaimed Polyana Positive. I'm pretty much CHOOSE to put positive spin on everything. It's my nature but it's also a choice. This ability has carried me through many challenges growing up. You know, really hard stuff that takes years of counseling to clear up. And I still look on the bright side. I am a mentally and emotionally healthy, stable, strong person. I've done lots of healing work that I think is really helping me deal with this. So, because I counting my blessings, stay positive and look on the bright side, I was a little surprised to find that deep inside I have this welling sadness about this whole damn thing. I decided to blog about it because I AM a positive, strong person. I know that this disease is going to do amazing things for making me strong, accepting and loving. But I want to be honest about how hard it is, even when my nature is to see life through a rose colored filter.

Bleh
So, here's the reality. I look at my thinning hair in the mirror at least 7,000 times a day. I pull up the little strands and let them stand up on their own. Then, with my wezzy little hair sticking out, I make really ugly faces at myself in the mirror! It makes me laugh and not take myself so seriously, so I guess I find that therapeutic. Then I just look at myself and say, "I'm going F*in' bald!" I constantly think about just getting rid of this nasty crap on my head and these icky yicky stringy sucky extensions! Ugh. These days I feel really ugly.

Yikes
While shopping around for my next hair piece the consultants have all said, "So, you've noticed you're thinning?" And they are referring to my extensions! Then they rummage around my head and realize what a miracle my hairdresser has done to create "hair." Even my bangs are teeny, tiny extensions! I don't feel emotionally ready for a full wig so I've decided to go with an integration piece made of cyberhair (like Amy's Presence but not a full wig). It will be integrated and attached for 4-6 weeks at a time. I've told myself I'm trying a different kind of
extension...more of a weave-style to get more fullness. That just shows me I haven't really fully accepted my alopeica.So. I guess that's where I'm at.
As excited as I am to move on, I'm also afraid my hair is going to look horrible, behave poorly in intimate situations, or that my natural hair is so thin it won't stay pulled through the netting then, uh-oh, I'll look like I have a cheap holey wig! Wow. Now that would suck! (Listen to all that fear, fear, fear.) These in-between times and the unknowing is hard. Ah ha! I've found the lesson. What do we ever really know? Life is all about the unknowing and being ok with the unknowing. Roll with the punches. Have a little faith! Joyfully leap into the unknown. Boldy go where no man...Ok. I'll stop there.

Yay
I've been so inspired by the stories of everyone on this site...those who are honest about their pain, disclose their fears and celebrate their victories! Because of all of you I can hold a vision of myself in the future when I am through this stage. Perhaps I'll be the cool chick who works out like crazy at the gym, pops her vaccum wig on and is out the door! Maybe I'll be the playful one who changes up her styles and colors. Oh, how I'd love to be the confident one who has a beautiful smooth head and a sparkle in her eye. But today I'm a bit of the confused one. Confident and gracious one moment, sad and scared the next. But I know it will pass because so many people here are paving the way, providing strength, role modeling and most of all, inspiration! Thanks to everyone here.

I hope my sharing my ups and downs it helpful to others as well.