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Should you feel that you have to explain? NO but I do
A couple of years ago I was on holiday in the Dominican. One night,in the restaurant, the man on the table next to ours started asking me about my hair! Wig. He asked me how I had got it curly and if it was permed. I replied that it wasn't naturally curly and smiled hoping that would be that. But his wife kicked him under the table and apologised to me for her inquisitive husband. He told her 'shut up -you don't know it could be a WIG', enough was enough so I said 'well yes actually it is a wig'. He carried on asking questions, it dawned on me that it didn't occur to him that I was wearing it for a reason other than I fancied a new 'do' for the night. So, I then found myself explaining (god knows why) that I didn't have any choice and I had to wear one for medical reasons. In fact he was a hairdresser.
In my younger days I was extremely slim and strangers used to think it was acceptable behaviour to tell me how thin I was! I used to eat like a horse and would have to HATE explaining that it wasn't through choice. I doubt the same people would go up to obese people and point out how fat they are!
What makes people think it is acceptable to make comments to strangers about their appearance?
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Comment by Fay on July 23, 2014 at 8:31pm
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I wore a scarf for 1 year. Then as I was leading a school assembly a teacher walked up to me and said my scarf was slipping. I said thank you and later thought about what my fear was. I feared everyone's reaction to my being bald specifically I feared my own baldness. I have AU, so I am completely bald with no eyebrows ( which I miss the most second to eyelashes). Long story short, I put my big girl panties on and went to work without anything. I didn't die or hear whispers behind my back. Those who were concerned asked if I was sick and moved on from my answer. I am now in my second year of AU and do what I like: some days I wear a hat to protect against the sun, a scarf when my head is cold and one day I wore a purple wig that I rocked ( which I took off when my head became hot walking down the hall). So FREE yourself. There are a lot of people hiding right now. I know because they pull me aside and tell me.
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Comment by Cindie on July 23, 2014 at 8:52pm
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Such people have no boundaries, and they seem to be getting more and more numerous in our "ask it all -- tell it all culture." I have had people actually TELL me that they KNEW that I was lazy, and that is why I wore wigs. When I told them I had a medical condition, alopecia, they became belligerent. My grandfather used to have a saying about such ignorant people, "all that they don't know, they invent." They need to be put in their place.
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Todd YOU SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE HAD A TUFF TIME. I REALLY UNDERSTANDING YOU. YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET YOUR EYE BROWS TATTOO ON AND THEY NOW MAKE EYE LASHES THAT LOOK GOOD ALSO. I HAVE ALOPECIA ALSO AND FOR ME I HAVE HAD A TUFF TIME BECAUSE MY HAIR ON MY HEAD DOESNT GROW BUT THE HAIR ON MY FACE AND ARMS IS GROWN OUT OF CONTROL SO AS A WOMEN I AM ALWAYS TAKING IT OFF THOSE AREAS JUST WISH I COULD BE NORMAL ALSO. I HAVE TOLD PEOPLE FAMILY AND FRIENDS I HAVE HAD FOR YEARS AND THEY JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. THEY SAY JUST DO THIS OR JUST DO THAT OR YOUR MAKING THIS ALL UP. THEY DONT GET IT. SO BE HAPPY AND FORGET WHAT PEOPLE SAY WE CANT CHANGE THERE NEGATIVITY SO JUST BE YOU AND BE HAPPY LIFE IS SO COMPLICATED WITHOUT THIS TO ADD TO IT. SO I AM HAPPY FOR THE GOOD IN MY LIFE MY HUSBAND IS SO WONDERFUL TO ME ...HE LOVES MY WIGS..LOL ABOUT THE SKIN DISCOLORATION YES I KNOW ANOTHER GUY WHOM HAS THIS ALSO HE NEVER WEARS SHORTS AND ALWAYS LONG SLEVES NO MATTER HOW HOT IT GETS PLUS HE WEARS SUN GLASSES DAY AND NIGHT BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT ANYONE TO SEE HIS EYES. THIS ALL HAPPEN TO HIM AROUND 18 YRS OLD. I KNOW ITS ALOPECIA ALSO JUST A DIFFERENT TYPE. HE JUST WENT OUT OF THE COUNTRY THIS PAST YEAR TO SEE IF THEY COULD HELP HIM WITH NO LUCK AFTER $20,000.00. I DO ALSO KNOW THERE IS A TREATMENT THAT THEY DO NOW FOR MEN FOR YOUR HAIR (HEAD) AND IT REALLY LOOKS GOOD LIKE SHAVED HAIR VERY NICE. I WILL TRY AND FIND OUT THE NAME OF IT AND POST OF HERE. GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE LIKE ME. KEEP SMILING :)
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People who have had luck and haven't felt the way we've felt in hiding or covering up our hair are the first to judge... it's only funny or amusing to them when it's not them who have a condition that affects their self-estime.
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Comment by Stephanie on July 24, 2014 at 12:30am
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I am overweight and have had people I don't know comment about how pretty I am, I should lose weight to Mach my pretty face! So yes people do say ignorant things even to overweight people.
I don't let people bother me though! Never have, I just laugh it off.
When I was younger and thin people would say the same, like your so thin where do you out all that food! Being commented on about being thin didnt bother me though.
People that have to put others down are unhappy or just plain mean people.
Don't let them bother you.
I get a lot of compliments on my wigs, I just say thank you! If they ask where I get it cut, then I sometimes tell them ' oh I bought it this way" and they look at me puzzled lol
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Oddly enough I feel better when people ask. I would rather them know from me than have rumors floating around.
Once people know they normally have been really cool about it. In fact my family joking around have been much more harsh than any stranger.
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Comment by Melissa on July 24, 2014 at 8:02am
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I don't wear a wig anymore. I wear scarfs now and that I wrap my head with. People assume that I'm going through chemotherapy, that I'm Muslim, that I'm Jewish. I had one lady customer at work who kept asking me questions in front of my coworkers when I was new to my job and then after all of her very personal questions asks if she is making me uncomfortable. I was thinking that it was a little bit too late to ask me how I felt after you asked me to tell about my personal issue. People stereotype and judge me and it's frustrating. I don't know how to respond to their comments so I let them assume without correcting them unless they ask me if I have cancer, then I say no, I don't, I'm healthy. My husband says to use something he calls the pressure principle. When someone asks you a question, answer their question with a question. For example, Stranger: "are you Muslim"?, me: "why do you ask?", Stranger: Because you're wearing a scarf." Me: "why do you need to know?" Etc.
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Comment by Pam D. on July 24, 2014 at 8:28am
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I use any opportunity to educate people about the condition. I am not sensitive about the condition, but I hate when they assume I have cancer (I prefer hats over wigs), so it happens often. I DON'T want anybody feeling sorry for me, especially since I would rather have alopecia than a lot of other conditions or illnesses I COULD have. People are curious; I accept it and move on.
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Interesting thread.
Personally, I don't see the person asking about getting the hair to curl as being rude. To me, that's like seeing someone with great shoes and asking where they bought them. Especially since hair is his career!
I personally don't feel any obligation to explain my wigs to people, especially since mine is related to a potentially life-threatening and incurable illness. I got angry when people critcized Paula Deen about hiding her diabetes; her life-threatening illness is none of your damn business and she doesn't owe you any disclosure.
Anyway, back to wigs. I actually have received lots of compliments on my hair. Just yesterday I was at the grocery store and and employee approached me to tell me how much she loved my hair. A few months ago I got a new wig and someone liked it so much they asked me what salon I got it done at.
I agree that it's a shame that wearing a wig is seen as this weird/shameful/embarrassing thing. I wonder if a celebrity (say, Tori Amos) got candid about their hair loss, if that would change public perception.
When I started losing my hair, one of the most upsetting things was that I had no idea where to turn, how to buy a wig, etc. Nobody ever talks about it! So I am considering outing myself so people can see an example of someone who isnt ashamed of having a wig and who looks great (see link below for pics). I would like it if people could point their friends or family with hair loss to me and I could help them ... OR if people could say, "wow, jenny wears a wig? She looks great!" And their perception would change.
Too bad I'm not a celebrity!
But I'm not quite there yet. With me, part of the problem is explaing my condition. It would be easier for me to "go public" if I simply had Alopecia.
You can see me in ny new Freedom wig if you scroll down to the seventh photo here:
http://www.pianojenny.com/midtown-atlanta-wedding/
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Comment by Sybil on July 24, 2014 at 9:36am
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When my daughter first lost her hair I felt I had to explain to EVERYONE. Now, five years later I just explain only if someone asks and then say, "It's Alopecia, hair loss". If they want to drone on about it, fine, but I keep it wo a short conversation.
Unfortunately this is something you will have to dealw ith from time to time.
The other evening I was at a dinner and I saw an elderly gentleman who was obviously wearing a wig. My first thought was, why? He has a great face and I'm sure he looks fine without hair, but then realized it's a personal preference and none of my business. Too bad everyone can't think the same
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