I have never written a blog before so please, bare with me. 

When I was about 2 years old, I began losing patches of hair. My parents took me to doctors to determine the problem. It wasn't until I was 4, when all of my hair fell out (peach fuzz, eyelashes, eyebrows.. everything) that the doctor diagnosed me with Alopecia. From then on I was on a regimen of steroid drops to assist in hair growth. For a while, it worked. My mom and dad had such good attitudes about it so I couldn't help but to have a good attitude myself. I was only a little disappointed when I couldn't put my hair in a high pony tail or wear my hair a certain way due to the quarter size spots covering my scalp. My mom always told me I had so much to be thankful for, I don't even have time to be sad about my hair. (For the record, she was right). I didn't begin wearing wigs until I was in the 7th grade. (Luckily my eyebrows and eyelashes were in tact for the most part). It basically happened over night. Nothing compares to the feeling I had waking up and finding almost my entire head of hair on the pillow where I had slept so blissfully unaware the night before. I think my mom took my complete hair loss harder than I did. She cried and worried about me, constantly doing research on wigs and trying to find me scarves or covers I could use to cover my newly bare scalp. I tried to be strong for her and I was.. most of the time. 

Starting high school is hard for any freshman girl, let alone the ones who wear wigs and have mild self esteem issues. Luckily for me, I found my confidence through the sport that I grew to love ever since the age of 7: softball. I played on a travel team as well as my school team. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I was pretty good. So good in fact, that I wanted to pursue a college career in the one thing that gave me the confidence to be around people without a wig. That's right, my very first time to go in public without a wig was at a softball playoff game my sophomore year of high school. My wig tape had run out and I had no other option but to play in a bandana. I was overwhelmed with support from my teammates and AD, who all wore bandanas with me to show their love and support. Fueled by the confidence from excelling at my favorite sport as well as the open arms of my peers, I began going without a wig more and more. I became more open about my Alopecia and I found that my ability to accept myself and my flaws helped others. I consider myself a very compassionate person, most of the time putting others' feelings before my own. So I was not only accepting my situation for ME anymore, I was now doing it so that others could feel okay in their own situation. 

Long story short, I did not pursue my dream of playing college softball. In high school I suffered from two different ACL surgeries, hindering my ability to play as well as I used to. Those sound like excuses and truthfully they are. If I wanted it bad enough I'm sure I could have rehabilitated myself enough to play. The truth is, around the time I graduated high school I had this plan in my head of what my future was going to be like. Here I am 3 years later and guess what? My life is not even the slightest of what I had planned at the naive age of 18. 

I am now a senior in college pursuing a degree in elementary education. In fall '15 I joined a sorority on campus. (Contrary to popular belief, sororities really aren't all that bad.) My experience has been enlightening. I have learned many things about myself as well as other people. I learned not to trust too easily, and just because a frat boy says he loves you it doesn't mean it's true. I have learned how to be myself amongst a group of such diverse women. I have a boyfriend who loves me. I have a wonderful relationship with my family. Everything seems to be going my way, so why am I not happy?

Recently I began losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. Eyebrows I can handle, especially now days when it seems like everyone draws them on. Who's going to notice if mine are just a little different? The eyelashes are what really hit me. Though the ones I have are short, I have always been proud of my little eyelashes. Now that they are gone it really hits me just how crazy Alopecia is. One second your hair is there, the next it is gone. It may or may not come back. 

I've always struggled with self esteem and anxiety. I do my best to hide it because I really do have so much to be thankful for. Alopecia bothers me more than I let on. I tell myself that maybe if I portray that I'm fine, I'll really be fine. So I make bald jokes. I post a picture of me without a wig on Facebook every now and then with a scripture or positive quote. The encouraging comments make me feel good for a little while, but when people say how much they admire my confidence and my acceptance of my situation, I feel ashamed. Truthfully, I'm not as okay as I let on. I'm 21 years old. I have friends getting married and having babies left and right. I'm not even sure what I feel is real anymore. I'm so confused about what I feel that I'm ruining relationships that may not need to be ruined just yet. I feel like I'm at a cross roads. I can't love someone else unless I love myself. I can't be the best version of me unless I accept where I'm at and where I'm going. 

This blog post may not have even had a point. It felt good just to get it all out. If anyone else is struggling with the ups and downs of Alopecia, you're not alone. Some days I feel like a bald superwoman, and some days I clearly do not.